If someone were to ask me the worst thing I have ever done I would feel conflicted, after all, what many would see as the worst thing I could possibly do is honestly the best in my eyes, and what is the best thing I have ever done in the eyes of many, to me is the worst thing I have done. Are the good and bad of my actions based on the opinions of others or on my own mental well-being? Who has the right to judge what I do when I have always tried to do what I needed to survive? I have kept a bit of my past secret from my readers since much of it can be debatable. I suppose if I think blogging helps, then to help cure these thoughts I must let it out.
Before I had my daughter, what I would have said is the best thing I had ever done would be murder in the eyes of some but surviving in the eyes of others. To begin to understand this chain of reaction, we must go back to the time I was raped in college. I was eighteen and going to college like many other young folks. I have talked about this time before when I met a guy. He was honestly a disgusting loser, but I was desperate. I had already felt like a failure about the military as previously mentioned. Mania was starting to build up as well as loneliness and being under my parents’ roof. I held a lot of ill feelings towards them even though I didn’t understand why at the time, later on I would come to realize it was because of my childhood. We all know I dated this loser for a couple weeks and we all know that he raped me. At the time, I did not realize it for what it was, even though I said no continuously and to stop, he didn’t. However, I did not fight as hard as I could have. I think inside I knew it didn’t matter and so I went off to my own world. Society and media have taught me that a female should be putting up a fight if she doesn’t want sex, and although it is getting better, reality is that women are still victimized and still the whore if they aren’t strong enough to fight back. In an ideal world, no means no, in the real world…well, I know better. He did what he did as we all know. What I have not told anyone is that as a result of this rape, I became pregnant, and I hated every minute of it. I felt like I had a monster growing inside of me the entire time. I wanted an abortion, however, having two very die-hard Catholics for parents, it was out of the question or I would have been kicked out. Being 18, pregnant, and living in the middle of the Bakken where everything was ridiculously expensive, while trying to go to school, I had no choice but to stay pregnant. I chose adoption for her, after all, I did not want anything to do with her. I do feel this is one of the worst things I have ever done for myself. It fucked me up bad. Growing something inside of me that came from a disgusting sperm from a disgusting man, I honestly wish I would have gotten an abortion. To me, this is the worst thing I have ever done. I fully believe in abortion. Even though this adoption was open, I do not have anything to do with her really. Anytime I receive pictures I throw them away. I do feel guilty at times for doing so, after all shouldn’t it be natural instinct to care for her? Reality is I do not care for her and she reminds me too much of that asshole. Christians and pro-life movers would say god acts in mysterious ways. This is one of the most selfish things a Christian can say as they are only thinking about their own agenda, not the well-being of the female. I suppose though, there is no room for women’s health in the Bible. This is another reason I say god can go fuck himself. Staying pregnant after rape was the worst thing I have ever done, and I would gladly go back and have an abortion.
Life comes in 3’s. To get a full experience about something, we need three angles. I will hopefully be able to show these three angles the next couple days. I really do want to be happy, like fully truly, no more low spells. My life has been a roller coaster and very unfair. I know they say life is not fair, however, I really wish I could have maybe had just a little bit more fairness. I suppose I shouldn’t complain though, after all, I am where I am at now. I have my daughter and her parents, a decent job, am in college and pay my bills. I am working on myself. I know if the therapy works, I will not forget anything, but have the emotion drained in a way. I do hope it works, but I really do not know what will be left. I have been trying to think of good memories of my childhood, I really cannot though. Maybe they are there but are just overcome by negatives, who knows.
I feel a lot less stressed out now that I do not have to worry about the A&P class. I have started the day out with coffee and plan to take a bath since my body is a tad bit stiff. I am so excited for my chiropractor appointment tomorrow. I have always said I should marry a plastic surgeon, however, if the plastic surgeon could have a side job as a chiropractor, that would be AMAZING! Well, I had better start the day, coffee makes me go number two. Have a good day everyone and be good to yourselves. I am trying to find my triggers, so far, I think I am doing pretty well. Bye, bye.