Day 58- Life Comes In 3’s (Part 1)

If someone were to ask me the worst thing I have ever done I would feel conflicted, after all, what many would see as the worst thing I could possibly do is honestly the best in my eyes, and what is the best thing I have ever done in the eyes of many, to me is the worst thing I have done. Are the good and bad of my actions based on the opinions of others or on my own mental well-being? Who has the right to judge what I do when I have always tried to do what I needed to survive? I have kept a bit of my past secret from my readers since much of it can be debatable. I suppose if I think blogging helps, then to help cure these thoughts I must let it out.

Before I had my daughter, what I would have said is the best thing I had ever done would be murder in the eyes of some but surviving in the eyes of others. To begin to understand this chain of reaction, we must go back to the time I was raped in college. I was eighteen and going to college like many other young folks. I have talked about this time before when I met a guy. He was honestly a disgusting loser, but I was desperate. I had already felt like a failure about the military as previously mentioned. Mania was starting to build up as well as loneliness and being under my parents’ roof. I held a lot of ill feelings towards them even though I didn’t understand why at the time, later on I would come to realize it was because of my childhood. We all know I dated this loser for a couple weeks and we all know that he raped me. At the time, I did not realize it for what it was, even though I said no continuously and to stop, he didn’t. However, I did not fight as hard as I could have. I think inside I knew it didn’t matter and so I went off to my own world. Society and media have taught me that a female should be putting up a fight if she doesn’t want sex, and although it is getting better, reality is that women are still victimized and still the whore if they aren’t strong enough to fight back. In an ideal world, no means no, in the real world…well, I know better. He did what he did as we all know. What I have not told anyone is that as a result of this rape, I became pregnant, and I hated every minute of it. I felt like I had a monster growing inside of me the entire time. I wanted an abortion, however, having two very die-hard Catholics for parents, it was out of the question or I would have been kicked out. Being 18, pregnant, and living in the middle of the Bakken where everything was ridiculously expensive, while trying to go to school, I had no choice but to stay pregnant. I chose adoption for her, after all, I did not want anything to do with her. I do feel this is one of the worst things I have ever done for myself. It fucked me up bad. Growing something inside of me that came from a disgusting sperm from a disgusting man, I honestly wish I would have gotten an abortion. To me, this is the worst thing I have ever done. I fully believe in abortion. Even though this adoption was open, I do not have anything to do with her really. Anytime I receive pictures I throw them away. I do feel guilty at times for doing so, after all shouldn’t it be natural instinct to care for her? Reality is I do not care for her and she reminds me too much of that asshole. Christians and pro-life movers would say god acts in mysterious ways. This is one of the most selfish things a Christian can say as they are only thinking about their own agenda, not the well-being of the female. I suppose though, there is no room for women’s health in the Bible. This is another reason I say god can go fuck himself. Staying pregnant after rape was the worst thing I have ever done, and I would gladly go back and have an abortion.

Life comes in 3’s. To get a full experience about something, we need three angles. I will hopefully be able to show these three angles the next couple days. I really do want to be happy, like fully truly, no more low spells. My life has been a roller coaster and very unfair. I know they say life is not fair, however, I really wish I could have maybe had just a little bit more fairness. I suppose I shouldn’t complain though, after all, I am where I am at now. I have my daughter and her parents, a decent job, am in college and pay my bills. I am working on myself. I know if the therapy works, I will not forget anything, but have the emotion drained in a way. I do hope it works, but I really do not know what will be left. I have been trying to think of good memories of my childhood, I really cannot though. Maybe they are there but are just overcome by negatives, who knows.

I feel a lot less stressed out now that I do not have to worry about the A&P class. I have started the day out with coffee and plan to take a bath since my body is a tad bit stiff. I am so excited for my chiropractor appointment tomorrow. I have always said I should marry a plastic surgeon, however, if the plastic surgeon could have a side job as a chiropractor, that would be AMAZING! Well, I had better start the day, coffee makes me go number two. Have a good day everyone and be good to yourselves. I am trying to find my triggers, so far, I think I am doing pretty well. Bye, bye.

Day 58-Hypnotherapy

I went through my first hypnotherapy session and maybe this is part of the reason I feel exhausted, I am not sure. I went in with doubts, after all, the idea is cool and there is science to back it up, but it is also fairly hard to understand why or how it works, and I am a skeptic on things like that. I went in with the best positive attitude possible even though I was having doubts, but my daughters mom assured me it was something I needed to try.
When I first went in, I was actually fairly calm. My head was silent all morning, like a weird content silent. It’s a rarity this ever happens. When I went in the therapists office the first thing I noticed was I felt warm and comfortable. I was trying to pick out my surroundings but there was a lot while at the same time not much at all. She was also talking a bit so I didn’t get a good chance to look around but I don’t think I really minded either because I felt safe. She introduced herself and the basics of hypnotherapy. Ive already been brushing up on it so sorta knew what she was explaining but I liked that she wanted to make me feel as comfortable as possible. She also said she really liked my blog and it was very helpful. I do admit I let my ego feel good when she said she liked it and talked about how great my writing was. She got to the point of what she wanted to help me with fairly quickly.
So, I have always been fairly aware of what goes on in my mind but I have honestly never really laid it out and put the pieces together. In fact, I haven’t even gone back really to read any of my blogs. I get weirded out when I read about myself. Anyways, she had a whiteboard hanging on the wall to the left of me with my mind all mapped out. It was really interesting to look at because she looked at each of my blogs and put the pieces together of where anxiety, loneliness, devastation, and all the words I have used in my blogs were mentioned. I honestly had a hard time remembering some of my blogs till she started reading them and I was like “oh yeah!” It got me to thinking maybe my readers have been seeing the other side of me that I so desperately have been trying to hide. As she was explaining her map of my mind (very good indeed) I started getting this pressure in the front of my head, like right between my eyes. It was weird looking at myself from that point of view. So when she got done explaining her plan she wanted to start right away. I felt a little nervous and a bit weirded out to be honest, after all, I was still having those doubts. Any psychologist could map out my mind and how everything connects, however, what she wanted to do was still a bit out there to me and I was still a little skeptical. I trusted her though. She had me recline on a chair and put my feet. She was talking as she went to turn off the lights and to turn on a dim light. As she was doing so she was telling me to relax and it was so weird, because as she was walking around I instantly felt my body go into that sensation that I get before I try to get into that place between wake and sleep. I was a bit hesitant to close my eyes but she said to take all the time I needed. I felt safe so I let them close. She kept talking about how to relax and to feel the energy flow through me. She had me feel the energy flow through the top of me on down. I could feel my left leg tingle the most and the tips of my fingers. She eventually took my left hand and put it onto my stomach, that was weird. When I try now, I can lift my hand by the wrist, and even though I am trying to relax my hand, I still feel some resistance. When she did it at that moment to both, it was as if they were floppy. She put them onto my tummy and told me to feel them, which I did. What she did next was crazy but cool. She told me she was going to move her hands over me but not touch me. She wanted me to feel her energy, and crazy thing is, is that I did! She said we all have energies and I really felt hers. She kept talking calmly to me and eventually counted down, with every number she wanted me to focus on certain energy points in my body. And I guess after that, I was in a trance, however, still aware. It was as if I was in that place between wake and sleep that I like to go. It does get a little blurry here. The first one was easy, she asked about my brother and his wife when I was kicked out. She wanted me to think about how I felt and to drain the energy. I honestly cannot remember much of that one other than she had me pinpoint where it hurt in my body and to drain it out. This one went fairly quickly. The second one, however, was a bit on the harder side to reach. She asked me to think of what age I truly felt abandoned. She said a number would pop into my head but it wouldn’t. First I saw purple swirls, and than this weird blackness, than white shapes like neurons. I wasn’t able to get there. Eventually she said something else and right away the image of me cowering behind a couch came to surface. When I think about it now, this should have been the obvious time because this is the time that always pops in my head when I think about to back than. This is the time that I always say “well it happened before because I knew what to do.” I have also thought I knew what to do because it happened many times, but maybe it only happened once and I was smart enough to know what was going to happen? I have to think on this. Either way, she had me pinpoint where the pain was coming from. I know this took awhile because I think I had trouble finding it. I know when I was finding it the man started walking out of the bathroom. It was a weird feeling when I was able to pinpoint the anxiety and abandonment, because she had me focus to where I was feeling it, which I remember one place was in my heart and she guided me while I drained it away. I think it took a bit. I could feel the energy going out my leg. It was like in spurts, I had to keep on pushing it out but if I recall correctly, there was something blocking letting it fully out. I saw the man walking the girl to the bedroom and she asked me what I felt that was so bad that I wasn’t able to let it go. Eventually I thought of the toy gun, I have mentioned this before I think, I am not sure. I think the toy gun was in this event also, even though I have always thought of them to be separate. When she asked again for me to focus this energy and what I felt so guilty about, I realized it was because I wanted to kill him. I wanted that gun to be real so bad so I could kill him. She explained to me that I had a good heart and I felt guilty about this because I would never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, these words make me tear up a little now, because she is right. I pinpointed where these negative emotions were and drained them away. She then had me find the little girl again whom was behind the couch and to hold her. She wanted me to keep telling her how much I loved her and how she was going to survive. She survived it all and she will be okay. I than took her into my arms and held her. Than I was told to let her inside and when I did, I felt my whole chest become warm, I felt the love of her inside my heart. It was similar to the same love and warmth I receive from my daughter. And then she was gone. When I think about it now, the couch is empty, the bathroom is empty, the bed is empty. I see it, but it is all like an abandoned image. Maybe there is more there waiting, I do not know, but for the first time, I held that little girl I left behind and told her I loved her. This makes me cry now actually, because I have never thought to help her by simply loving and protecting her, nonetheless reassuring her she will survive. After this, we went into something else I think, but I cannot really remember. I felt like I was almost sleeping but the next thing I knew the hypnotherapist was counting to wake me up. I had to ask her if I was sleeping but she said I responded to everything she asked and I was told to do. After I woke up, we obviously talked about what happened. She mentioned when I was trying to get to the girl behind the couch there was a dark shadow that was in my midsection. When I felt that warmth in my heart she watched the dark shadow flow away. She said this shadow, whatever it was, was bad and was going to make me really sick very soon. What stood out to me about this was I felt I was about to get strep or a bad cold this morning. I complained about this to my daughter’s mom. Everyone else has been sick and I get strep a lot. What was strange, however, I do not feel sick at all now. My throat is fine. Maybe it was a dry throat that hurt, who knows. It was just a bit coincidental was all. I felt trapped in that weird haze for a couple hours after my session. I am still trying to process a lot of it.
I did not b/p today. I have felt different all day. I still feel like I am getting over something, I cannot really pinpoint it though. I suppose if I want to fully allow myself to heal, I need to open the last part of me up. I feel much of my life is a taboo subject that is all too common. Well, that is all for today peeps. I am exhausted and will be heading to bed.

Day 56- Another Direction

Could I one day feel normal?
Is there a chance that I can be happy and not have all the weight of anxiety on me?
Can I shut my mind off all the thoughts? Without the wine?

In order for one to be happy, don’t they need happy times? If I cannot think of a single happy moment in my childhood and very few in my teen years and adulthood, then to take the emotion out of everything bad, what is left? Happiness from since my daughter was born? To take the negative emotion out of 26 years, will there be anything left of me?

Afternoon: Trigger
Sometimes trying to keep a positive attitude and hopeful is exhausting. I do not have it in me to always be happy and optimistic. I’ll give it one last shot with hypnotherapy, but I do not want to put so much faith into it either. Although it’s exhausting trying over and over again. It’s exhausted to even wake up some days and then to have to put on a smile.
A&P is stressing me out. I hate that I had to take a science class that I will never need. Frick load of money for the class none the less the books and I have to take it merely for the fact that I need a science that can transfer. Generals are a rip off for the most part. I was lucky that I took my math’s and English’s I needed before, otherwise I would be doing those again also. I have to say I have never used algebra or trigonometry since taking the classes.

Deleting the Trigger
So, I decided to withdraw from my anatomy class, as clearly it was stressing me out. It has been stressing me out for a while actually. I enjoy school a lot and I didn’t want to take that class to begin with. I wanted to start out small and steady since I hadn’t been in school for almost five years. So, I dropped the lecture and lab. I still am taking my Ethics, Developmental Psychology, and Speech like I originally intended. That is okay with me. I do not want my other grades to suffer because I am too stressed with the Anatomy. My original plan was to retake a Biology that I didn’t withdraw from way back when and let fail. I want to retake that in a face to face lecture so I can get a good grade since I know I can get a good grade in that class. I let the orientation lady talk me into being full time even though I knew inside I wasn’t ready for that. I still work full time and am still working on myself obviously. I went a bit nuts a little earlier because I had been dreading the Anatomy test coming up. I feel a lot better now. School is once again fun, and I am on the track I feel I should have been on all along.

When I felt I was going crazy earlier I ended up climbing into bed and trying to get to the dream world or whatever it is. I felt I was close. I could feel my body there, but my mind was still not concentrating right. I am not sure I should be trying yet, but it is fun regardless. It also calmed me and made me realize what I needed to do about school.

I feel a lot better now. I have adjusted my schedule accordingly with my classes and work now. I am very happy with my decision. If I have triggers than I need to take care of them. I knew that if I kept the load on that I had, then it could cause a worst trigger later on. I am hopeful again, very hopeful. I feel like myself. I feel a lot lighter actually. I have been looking at different gyms to join since my work insurance will reimburse it. My chiropractor felt amazing yesterday and now that I feel my body getting back into place, I feel like I can start working out again. I do not feel like a 50-year-old lady, probably more lower thirties now. I am very excited to see how I feel at the end of the week. I am working on my mind and body. Hopefully by the end of next week I will be a whole new me, or at least a lot happier. I still wonder though, what all will be left if there is nothing negative? My daughter and her parents? I can live with that happily. I just don’t know what all happiness there is for the years prior to them. There has been a lot more that I haven’t talked about, not even with my daughters’ parents whom are closest to me. I imagine a lot of guilt is still there. Not from a personal stance, but because of the judging that comes from others. I suppose I should address some of these in the next few days. If I am going to be draining all the negative emotions, I need to start sooner than later.

Just Another Sitting Duck

An inch of progress on the outside could be miles on the inside. Garbage will always be garbage and garbage will always be given up on, maybe thats why we stay garbage. Soon to be more of us in this economy that will soon crumble by the looks of things. God only cares about those who have money, at least thats the world I have always observed. Maybe thats why I turned to energy and the universe to help me. But maybe we really are all alone. My dreams tell me otherwise though. I always knew something bad would happen, this still doesn’t feel like it though. Maybe I am not worried about this because my dreams have always show much much worst. I know I deserve all my misfortune, I’ve deserved it my whole life. I know psychology says a victim should never blame themselves but I did, I know I fucked up somewhere along the lines before this life. People say this life is the real Hell, that doesn’t make sense when there are people who have never suffered. Rape, Trauma, Molestation, Beatings, Suicide, Bullying, many of us have suffered for years and are beyond repair, and it will always show and we will always make mistakes. Maybe this life really is Hell, except I have seen that and this isn’t it. You ever look at those perfect people in perfect houses with perfect jobs who can handle life perfectly and wonder wtf you ever did do deserve what you got? Yeah, me too. Well peeps, its going to get tougher, many of us will probably end up homeless, yet again. Money is the root of all evil and we live in a world where money makes it go round. Maybe this really is a circle of hell, repeat, repeat, repeat, because your mind is weak and you will always fuck up. Well, if history repeats itself than lets see next should come homelessness, rape, a good few beatings, robbery, building back up, maybe getting just a little higher than now, than fuck up, fall, homeless, beaten to death, sodomized, than become another native body disposed of in a desert. Sounds right.

Day 55- Chiropractor

Well, today was a pretty decent day. I may have drunk a little too much last night as I slept in till 11 but honestly, I do not feel anything negative with it. I definitely relaxed. I had eggs for breakfast with coffee and then went and had lunch with an old friend of mine. I went to the chiropractor and it felt AMAZING! like AHMAZING! He could tell there was a lot going on with my back and neck and honestly, he found areas that were not doing so hot that I didn’t even notice. After all, I am not going to really pay attention to lesser pain elsewhere when I am feeling pain that can be compared to the pain level of labor. I will go see him again Friday and then three times next week. It will be a fairly continuous appointment for the time being. Oh gawd, you should have heard my satchel shoulder, it was SO LOUD! and not just one crack, it was like hundreds of cracks within a couple seconds. It was crazy! He cracked my spine and neck. The cracking of the neck was a little nerving and very loud. He cracked my lower back also, the left being crazy loud as well. Honestly, the whole thing was very loud. It felt so great though and when I stood up, I felt so light. Every time he cracked me; I would get this rush of warmth. It was very weird. Tonight, however, the pains are coming back but I am VERY excited to see him again. It was amazing, just so amazing.

I went to go look at a couple friends shop today where they design shirts. My daughter’s mom works for them. They put the designs on the shirts. It was pretty cool. I am hoping they give me some hours to work, after all hockey games can get a little pricey with beer and fries. But honestly, the pub fries are the bomb and OMG the cheese curds. I am getting psyched for hockey to start. It would be nice to help out at a job where there is no drama.

I didn’t do as much homework as I was hoping to today, but I still got done what I needed to. I think I will be doing my speech assignment tomorrow where its impromptu. It’s sort of weird for an online class. I am honestly very good at speaking these days, I think. Tomorrow will hopefully be milder at work. I hope my partner stays away from me as much as possible. If not, then I guess I will run and hide. It just sucks because I enjoy my job and take great pride in working for a company that makes a huge difference and that has amazing goals. I am proud to tell people about my job. Even though I am just a little guy I am very proud to be a part of the company’s dreams. Oh well, I have done what I can on giving my manager notice of how I am feeling. It was nice to enjoy a day away from her. And most of the time I can handle her, but after a while it just gets exhausting. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to ask her a simple question on a daily basis.

Well, I better head to bed peeps. I have a long day tomorrow. I was fairly good to myself today. The chiropractor was amazing. I had better hit the hay. Have a good night everyone.

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