Well, I finished my book yesterday. I am very proud of it. I have only attempted to publish it on Kindle so far because I want to see how many readers I get from that. I have never published anything before on Amazon. I am nervous. I read that normally it will take 12 hours or less for English novels to be released. I published yesterday morning so I am not exactly sure what gives, I am hoping my book is not deemed inappropriate. Pretty much the book is my blogs of recovery summed up into sixty days along with poetry. Its not a lot of poetry but it fits nice. I keep the rawness and to be honest there were a few areas it was hard to read none the less perfect. On word it is about 107 pages. I am proud of it none the less, it just felt like the right time to publish. Now I just wait.
Also yes, that is my real name, not Kitten (as if that seemed realistic LOL)
So I have deleted all my blogs up to this point. There is no need for them. After a certain point (the “Life comes in 3’s” if any of my readers remember) there was not a lot of point left. I wrote everything about my life to the point I was actually very bored with my past. In fact writing the book (it was for a college class) I was so bored. It wasn’t until I added some poetry that I felt it was alive again. All my writings can be summed up in this book. I am not sure if I will continue to blog, after all, my life is not that interested these days, I mean it is good, but its also just normal.
I mention this in my book but I have been bulimia free since January 1st, 2019. At this point I am not sure I could even really throw up easily. I get full and satisfied. I get overfull and uncomfortable as anyone would. I still try to stick to lower carb foods but I also splurge on fries and beer at hockey games and occasionally candy. I have learned the hard way sugar free candy needs to be enjoyed in moderation and that keeping real sugar down can overwhelm my body. I have learned to enjoy my wine and gin. My body has changed a lot but I have a personal trainer I see twice a week. I notice myself getting stronger but am learning to accept that I will probably never be as skinny as I once was…to be honest I am not sure I want to be anyways. I can lay on my side without my ribs and hips bruising. In fact I do not bruise that much anymore.
I do still have issues with bloating so I am trying to drink a lot more water and cut down on sodium.
I do still take vitamins and supplements but I am pretty regular these days.
I still love my apartment, I love feeling safe and secure.
I have started the process of fixing my teeth, I had my first root canal done for the really bad tooth. When I went to the dentist a few months ago she pretty much said either we fix it now or I have it pulled. I cannot fathom the thought of having lost teeth so I decided I might as well start the process. I will be paying on the root canal for a few months but I maxed out my insurance with it so will just take baby steps.
Although my belly is bigger I have to say, having boobs is kinda nice. I mean, I have gone from a padded B bra to easily a non padded D cup. I seem to have more cellulite since stopping purging caused and influx in weight. It wasn’t even just that, it was feeling emotional and having a hard time getting away from the binging that put weight on. But even when I “binge” now, it is not even close to what I ate in a single meal setting when I would throw it all up. That has caused the alcoholism to go away. I do admit I still go overboard occasionally but I am okay with that, because in the end its one million times better than where I was at.
Work is work at this point. There have been a lot of changes. I am trying not to put too much of my pride and happiness in work these days. I am proud to be in the company that serves the clients that we do but with a lot of negative changes and mismanagement I have been letting it get to me too much, so at this point I am just taking things as they come. I don’t get paid enough to worry anymore than that. I actually hope that maybe I can make enough off my book to be able to just focus on school and not work, chances of that are slim, however I have a good partner who loves to work hard so I actually have been able to improve my grades for this last end of the semester push.
Speaking of which, I have been accepted into NDSU with a tuition scholarship for the next four years as an undergraduate. I will be taking two classes this summer and will have my associates after that so I can start of the Fall semester headed towards my bachelors. I have decided Psychology is what best suits me. I know my mind always goes back and fourth but honestly it will always do that. My mind just keeps going back to wanting to help people. Depending on how things work out I may try UND as well for an online degree, it all depends on how my workplace works out. That is nothing to worry about for now. At this point I know I can handle almost anything that comes my way.
Now that winter is over (OMG IT WAS A LONG FUCKING ONE AT THAT!) I spend evenings finishing up homework, going to my daughter and her parents for evening walks, or just sitting on my balcony watching the sun set.
I love where I am at, whether it be physically or life in general. There are bad days and nights, but more often there are good. My mind is probably permanently FUCKED, but thats okay, there will always be an end. There are still times I would love to just slit my wrists and to just let go but than I think of nights like tonight where I am watching the sun set and my cats and dog happy, a slight breeze, think of my daughter and her family, think of my parents and friends, its not worth it to die, not yet.
I am very grateful for the readers who continued to follow me through the worst of times. I would have never imagined I could be where I am at. I would not have continued to blog if I wasn’t reaching people. Well, I suppose that is all for tonight. I have some homework to finish and than will relax. I need to hit the gym tomorrow, Bailey is headed to daycare in the morning, and I suppose it will just be another day, which is okay. Hopefully my book is approved. I really hope I didn’t make a stupid spelling mistake, I tried to correct them all. Well, have a great evening everyone. Don’t take your life for granted and keep on fighting.