Staying Positive


My sleep concoction lately has been 1/2- a full bottle of wine with a melatonin to finish knocking me out. So in the mornings I am back to coffee. I need to get off that cycle. I know I have to actually. So last night when I got home from the liquor store I made up some strong sleeping tea, took a hot bubble bath with lavender and salt, took a half a melatonin, and crashed. I probably fell asleep around 2 am and woke up a little after 11 am. I feel decent. 70 hour weeks are getting long but I volunteered to close the store every night this coming week but Thursday so I have a break before the weekend. Everything I am working this next week will be on the paycheck before my birthday and I need as much as possible for skydiving. It will be a shitty week, but afterwards I will take it easy.

Oh yeah, I think I mentioned I am going skydiving on my birthday on the 20th, but maybe not…we all know how shitty my short term memory is.

Just Chilling Before Work

Now I am drinking some green tea. I am downing liquids today. I have Palo Santo brewing since my inner energy needs some help. I already had my Super Green and Mellow Yellow drink, doubled actually. I have some Raspberry Tea cooling so I can put the Energy Bomb and Forever Beautiful in it and I have some Mud/Wtr and Magic Mushroom setting. I have a steak and pork chop thawing so I can simmer that up and will probably steam some broccoli today.

Oh yeah, I am back to eating meat. This is primarily because when I was donating plasma my iron and protein always seemed to be lower no matter how much I downed the protein and iron tablets. I am thinking maybe my body just doesn’t absorb plant based protein that well? Either way, my levels are back to normal…, guess I will eat hella expensive meat.

Meat is ridiculous right now and theres no point in buying a cow because the butchers are backed up till next summer. I expect seafood to go up as well since from what I am hearing from friends in Alaska the processors are getting shut down when theres a single case of Covid. Its getting a little too ridiculous for a virus with a .02-.08 death rate. I am just happy my state is all back to normal. 

Male Rant

For the ones who have followed me the last couple years you might recall a guy I met at the end of 2018. He was the first guy who ever listened to the word no. When I got the job at the bank we ran into each other again, I forgot he had worked there. Its been so complicated since then, one minute he likes me the next he doesn’t? Or he’s nice but then is a complete ass. Or he likes me but says it would never work out and says its not sustainable if I talk too much? We’ve had a couple rough falling outs since we both can be fairly vocal to each other. Honestly, he’s just a moody little bitch. I tried being there as a friend but even that he is just as shitty. His brother had killed himself a year ago, I am kinda wondering if thats why he the way he is. I think he has always been selfish though and somewhat of a player, you don’t become almost forty with almost no relationships other than one night stands or short relationships by being a nice guy. A good friend of mine said he looked like a player when I showed him to her. What kinda got me hopeful things could eventually work out though was when I had my last reading done by Kaiva she had said someone I met at the end of 2018 would be influential in my love life, or lack there of. She said I would need to learn what I do and don’t like. I am now thinking this means I don’t like the constant disappointment he makes me feel. I don’t talk to him much these days but if I don’t talk than its like he tries to say things that will get me close to him, also if he opens up about his brother I feel like an ass to just say I don’t have time. I think he is just very lost and very stressed. I will still try to be there as his friend but I don’t really think I can count on him to be mine. Which really sucks because we honestly have a lot in common and share a lot of the same values.

There was also another guy who I met at the end of 2018, the guy who’s dog has play dates with Bailey. He very clearly likes me. We were actually going on a few play dates and eating out and starting to talk a lot. He’s probably one of the nicest guys out there but I had clearly asked a few weeks back if he was single and he admitted he was. So after we started hanging out more I thought I would just ask him if he wanted to go out on a real date and thats when he said he actually did have a girlfriend sorta? Like, complicated or something. I told him how inappropriate that everything then was. He said he wasn’t trying to cheat….buuuut….if you tell someone your single and then start spending a lot of time with them…thats not exactly respectful in my eyes. So….I haven’t really talked to him since, that was a couple weeks ago now I think. I don’t like half truths.

Like, why can’t men just be honest and not so full of bullshit? Anyways…I guess Kaiva was right, definitely learned a lot of shit I don’t like. I guess Venus should be entering a certain house soon (by August?) for me where a relationship can bloom, but as for now, theres not really anyone I can think that I want it to bloom with.

Some Positivity

So I have been working with this guy at work and he is honestly really relatable. He has had a pretty fucked up life too and trying to get his shit in order. The past few nights we have closed together we’ve really started just talking about our life and shit, we work pretty well together. We close the next four nights together and I can’t say I would want to close with anyone else. I think we have become that outlet for each other to vent about shit. Its nice. Anyways, he’s already pushing me to be better, not in a judge mental way though. I think he can do a lot better too, but he is younger than me so I can kinda see where he is at because I was there a few years ago too. In ways though he is also much older than me. He works as much as possible too to stay out of trouble and keep from doing dumb shit. Anyways, its nice to have someone to vent to.

Last night was a shitty night at work, hate drunk people, but I am going to go cook my meal and relax before work again tonight. Its gross out otherwise Bailey and I would go for a walk. Its about 90 so I am assuming the pavement will be even worst. So I guess we will just snuggle and play inside. Have a good day peeps.

Last Few (a lot of) Weeks

Hello peeps. I suppose I should give a breakdown of how my life has been.

My daughters mom, my best friend, had her surgery with quite a few complications, after three weeks theres still issues. She did end up having cancer and will have to have chemo and radiation in a couple weeks. It was an extensive surgery, I believe it was about 14 hours. The doctor did a great job though. Her body just hasn’t been the most cooperative. To be bold, if she would have waiting another week for her first surgery to get her gallbladder out she would honestly be dead. When she starts her cancer treatment she will need chemo everyday for six weeks and radiation once a week for six months. I am trying to be positive for her and push her to be positive. Its kinda hard to do when I probably am not doing that well emotionally and mentally but I think texting and snaps make me look and seem very happy, which than there is nothing for her to worry about with me.

Some people have real problems, thus why I feel stupid for even feeling anything these days.

My temp job for Microsoft ended. It was decent I suppose but I am happy to have my desk back and my home as just my home, not a work space. It got too cluttered with all the work tech that I needed. Now I will be driving school busses and working for the school in between. For the warmer temps I will be helping out with landscaping. There is a good chance I will be getting overtime, so mix that with the liquor store that I got a month back, I should start doing fairly well financially. I am hoping during the school year to maybe even be a behavioral aid. We will see how that goes. I had a reiki session and another star chart reading done by Kaiva . She still insists I am supposed to help people and I am meant to nurture. So, maybe I need to help kids when I can still influence them to be better, like help them before they become broken and maybe they wont. If I became a psychologist I know I would never leave work at work and would always be disappointed, because lets face it, humans naturally give in to weaknesses, and if I became a social worker, that would just be mentally draining and honestly probably fairly traumatizing. Maybe helping kids is what I am looking for.

I know I need to quit the wine for now, I feel it starting to be a coping mechanism again. It is just hard when all the healthy coping mechanisms I was used to cant really all be used right now. It has been so disgustingly hot and muggy so I haven’t been walking. I know I need to get my energy flowing again. Purging occasionally sprouts its dumb little head but then it quickly goes away. I could see a cycle brewing though. It is also why I am trying to stay as busy as possible.

I feel like I am making excuses again. My gym is open, I can go there. I just really miss my meaningful friends and family.

Also, why do men have to be dumb? I will go into that later.

Bailey and the cats are doing well. Bailey has not really been to daycare since lockdown since I was home all day. I think now that I will be working a lot away from home I will start bringing him one to two times a week.

I meet with a financial advisor next Wednesday. Its time to get serious about all my shit. I was working with my daughters dad before COVID hit, now thats not exactly something he should prioritize right now.

I wonder when I will be able to cry again. I know its something I need to do. I just can’t. Maybe it is because there is no need to. I mean, I am just sad, I am not the one dying. I am still able to live my life as normal as possible everyday. Maybe I am just putting too much thought into my emotions.

I think that is enough for now. I close the liquor store tonight. Actually, I think in the next 8 days I will get one night off maybe. This is on top of working for the school full time. I want to go skydiving for my 30th birthday and everything I work this coming week will be on that paycheck, so might as well work my ass off for a week.

I hope you all have a great day. Try to stay positive, I honestly find pretending to be happy does help a lot.

Goodbye 🙂


Still Trucking Along

Hello my wonderful readers, long time eh? I wish I could say things have been going well and that is why I have not posted in weeks. It is honestly quite the opposite and just trying to hold on and be positive. I am finding though that is getting harder and harder to do as time goes on. Its starting to become very lonely without friends and family. Everyone seems to have each other but really I am realizing more and more I don’t really have anyone. Its no ones fault really, just everyone has stuff going on. I don’t really know how I should think or feel these days. Most days I want to cry and scream but I wont let myself be that weak. I just keep myself busy by working 60-70 hour weeks. I really miss my daughter. I wish I would have been able to give her one last big hug and kiss. I don’t think I have ever gone this long without seeing her. I tell myself not to be so dramatic and stupid with my feelings. I miss my best friends. I really don’t have anyone who has the time to listen or even really cares what I am feeling, so thought I would just give a small blog. I feel selfish for thinking these stupid emotions. I have it better than most. I don’t know…maybe writing shit down to no one will help. I am okay though, I’m just continuing to move forward and making financial goals and whatnot. Life should be perfect lol, but ironically it is not. I will post more,  just wanted people to know I am still here.

Ya know, that cancer stuff

Yesterday 13May2020

Hello my peeps! So I know I have missed a couple days of blogging but that’s mainly cause work has been extra busy so I can’t blog during, and I have just been busy outside of work as well, ya know, just living life. Well, as much as possible lol.

So this weekend was really good. Saturday was pretty laid back, if I remember right it wasn’t the nicest of days so I tidied up a bit, went to Crystal Rock Healing because one of the owners was there and I wanted to say hello and then I spent the remainder of the day playing Kingdom Hearts 3.

Sunday was great because I got my plant hangers in FINALLY. And they look amazing! I love love love them! I also went out to eat with a friend at Red Lobster, not the greatest food buuut good none the less, it was a nice Mother’s Day lunch.


Today 14May2020

It is a weird feeling when your best friend finds out she could have cancer. The doctors are I think 90% sure my daughters mom has cancer in her bile ducts. Don’t quote me on numbers, we all know I suck at those. She had her CT yesterday. She had her gallbladder removed a couple weeks  ago and has made a turn for the worst with jaundice and other unpleasant stuff. They thought it was something else at first that was causing her liver to dump bile into her intestines, I think….if I remember right, I probably don’t. Anyways, she will have a procedure done tomorrow to see what is up. The doctors are hopeful they caught it right away so it would just be a simple getting the liver healthy so they can take the mass out. So, I guess we wait to see.

Even though many in my family have died from cancer I have never actually cried at the news of possible cancer, that is weird on its own. I don’t like to cry, my eyes get puffy and swelly lol. But the doctors are hopeful, so I will be hopeful.

I don’t much like pessimism these days, its more exhausting than anything. I used to think it prepared me for the worst, after all, if you expect the worst you can never be disappointed right? But really, its just more draining, and only leads to further disappointment because your lack of expectations are confirmed. Its less forgiving. But everything will be alright.

So yeah, I was finally going to write a blog yesterday about how great things were but then yeah….

BUT things are still good ya know? Nothing has changed other than possible bad news but even if bad news does happen, the only thing thats really changed is just that…like, it just means treatment and getting better. My daughter just got one of those huge playgrounds for her back yard, she’s healthy, has everything she needs. Her parents still have everything they want and need. I still have everything that I was happy with before the possible bad news. So yeah, possible bad news doesn’t change anything if no one knows anything yet. And if bad news is confirmed, our surroundings are still the same, which are very healthy and privileged surroundings none the less, even mine, so the rate of everything being okay is high.

Sooo, yes, lets get back to it.

I still absolutely love Your Super products. I have been meaning to do a detox but I seem to really love hummus at the moment. I don’t know why I get in those moods where I just need ALL of something. Sometimes its BLTs, sometimes its tacos, sometimes its sushi, sometimes its onions and pickles, now I guess it is hummus. I mean…it could be worst lol. I haven’t had any real JUNK FOOD junk food cravings like crappy chocolate and candy since I did the detox. I have successfully switched over to carbs, but healthy carbs from fruits and whatnot…except the hummus and pretzels lol. I have gained a few pounds, but I think it is more water bloat as I have not been drinking enough water lately. I should have another detox kit being sent soon. I do have a little bit of the stuff remaining so I can definitely load up on extra scoops these next few days. I should start another detox when it comes in. I do feel so much better drinking them, like I just feel good. I am bloated this morning from video games and pretzels last night, I just needed to keep my mind from going off the deep end. I know I need to eat better. I don’t eat terribly though, just not as good as I should be. I should stay away from all processed foods. I think I will start calorie counting a little, just so I know how much portion control is.

I don’t think the next detox will be terrible because I haven’t had caffeine in like two weeks now. I don’t exactly miss it except for days where ya know, cry at night or something lol. But I feel like I am more aware of how cruddy my body really is inside. You see, when I drink caffeine I get all this energy, but now I am wondering how much of it is real energy vs my body just on a drug. You know, like when you take Tylenol for a headache, your not really getting rid of the problem, just masking it. So I feel like caffeine is masking how unhealthy I am. Like why do I feel sluggish without it? So yeah, its wasn’t intentional to quit drinking it for awhile, I just didn’t want to.

These were taken before bad news lol, so life felt perfect at the time.

Guys, I really hate cancer.

So how about the plants?

So I probably got too trigger happy with the camera but I was legit excited for my plants to finally be hanging lol. Also, I know I don’t take the best pictures. I have wanted them for awhile, and to finally have a salt lamp, plants, the decor, crystals, incense, a safe and secure apartment, a reliable and safe car, just everything, I am grateful for it all. So its made me really happy, not the stuff in general, but just how hard I have worked to get here, like, the accomplishment.

I have been tanning at the gym, it feels great to do that again. I really dislike tan lines and since it was becoming nice and I was outside a lot those were becoming a thing. Feeling just a little prettier really helps me feel human. I know that is a privilege but I have worked hard to get where I am at, so I don’t feel too guilty. I also know I have a long way to go to get ahead financially. I have been applying for evening jobs, I am not sure who all is hiring right now but I need to do something ya know? I cannot sit around and wait on money from the government. I can’t let myself feel like a dog needing to be taken care of. So I am crossing my fingers something happens with that soon.

I suppose that is all for today, I just wanted to update everyone. I meant to blog yesterday but yeah, ya know lol. I hope everyone has a great day, stay hopeful, keep ya head up, and do what you need to do to be the healthiest you. Later peeps.

Why did I low carb again? Ugh

Another day of bloat. Its okay though, thats what happens when you eat carbs after not eating carbs for awhile. At least the itchy legs are gone, for some reason I swell up in the legs the most after eating carbs and they become itchy. That is going down now a small bit though, I don’t completely blow up when I eat carbs now. I am still taking my detox mixes. I probably should stop eating heavy carbs like bread and crackers and eat more fresh fruits and vegetables. But I have been in this predicament many a times, it should get better soon. I have been downing liquids, that is the only thing you can do when eating carbs again, and Miralax. I do feel the detox powders are helping this time around. I should honestly be following the directions buuut yeah…carbs are also very addicting when you haven’t had them in forever.

I have just been trying to take it easy on my body. I do wish that it was nice enough to walk outside but its been pretty cold, we have freezing temps coming. I had to my my plants into my closet and leave the light on for warmth, so its sort of a greenhouse right now. At least the gym will open Monday.

Maybe the next couple days I will down a lot of liquids whenever I feel like eating. I should steam some vegetables. I did buy some sweet potatoes and leeks so I could make some soup. I should have bought vegetable broth. Oh well, it is for Saturday. I think my friend and I are going to eat on Sunday so that should give me a couple days to recover.

I am going to go to bed though, its a little after nine but I need all the sleep I can get since my body is doing sorta a recovery. So have a good night y’all, sweet dreams.


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