Be kind everyone. We must learn to love and pray for each other.
My fathers uncle fought in World War II. He was a captain for the boats that dropped soldiers off at the Banks of Normandy. I am not sure how familiar many are with the event, after all I know more and more schools in America are getting rid of teaching such things. Anyways, he blamed himself for the death of every single soldier who he dropped off. I imagine there were many…too many…..there were no breaks from what I understand. He would pick soldiers up and drop them off at their grave…over and over…and over again. After my great uncle served, he went home and spent the remainder of his days sitting in a corner reading fairy tales.
Our beautiful minds….they were not meant to experience such horror…will the games ever stop?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result…I wonder….how many of us suffer from the lack of sanity. It is easy to get stuck in the time warp.
“Today I will be healthy! Today I will get better! Today I will keep food down. Today I have been sober two weeks! Today has been a month! Today one drink wont hurt. Today I can handle this. Today I will be healthy…today today today….”
Insanity…drinking, drugs, dieting, eating disorders…other faults…there is a fine line between determination and insanity….am I trapped on repeat?
On a major scale….politics, war, conquering…this world is on repeat….
Sitting in a corner…day after day….
Maybe that is the answer to everything
Please just stop
Hey guys! So I am going on 9 days sober! And to be honest, yesterday was fucking horrible. I did not drink but wow talk about cravings and needing anything to numb the thirst. I of course knew to expect this. I have always filled the empty void with food and liquor. This is where I need to develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Needless to say yesterday was full of binging and purging. There was absolutely no satisfaction, even as the food was going in my tummy. I actually barely even felt it. There was not even a fullness. It felt like I was trying to fill up a bottomless pit. I felt like I was watching myself from the outside eating and purging, eating and purging….disassociating I am sure.
I know I need to feed the bulimia recovery. I feed my faith by reading the Bible, praying, and studying the Bible. I feed the sobriety by listening to podcasts about sobriety and reading about sobriety. Now I must somehow find a way to feed the bulimia recovery. I think feeding the sobriety will help the bulimia but I also know that there has to be more of a physical feeding to combat the bulimia. I know I need to start working out. The school next to me has their gym open to the public so when I can afford that I will join. Its actually only $100 per year, so less than $10 a month. That is the only place to work out in this town.
I am realizing a lot of my addictions are based off pure boredom. Its like I almost don’t know how to enjoy life without some kind of substance. I know I need endorphins, that high feeling. That is why I enjoy jumping off planes, or being scared by horror movies, or being high. Addictive personality…its fun.
There is heartache too mixed in with my drinking and purging. I know as long as I have feelings for my daughters parents I really can’t have anything to do with them. I try not to, I pray a lot for them to go away. I am toxic to them as long as the feelings exist. I can’t do that to them nor my daughter, I can’t risk my daughter losing a stable family again. In a sense I blame myself for her moms troubles. I do believe God makes us suffer for bad enough sins. Her mom betrayed her marriage under God. I take the blame though because if I never would have acted on my feelings then she never would have been tempted. If she never would have been tempted then she never would have done what she did. If it weren’t for the alcohol I probably would have never acted on my impulses, I would have been able to think straight. Alcohol makes me selfish and everything bad. I deserve the heartache. I deserve what her mom is going through as well, I guess God must see it differently.
I slept a ton this weekend. Friday night, 11 hours, Saturday almost 8 hours, and last night 7.5 hours, it was honestly amazing. I feel so exhausted and like I can sleep forever. I know that is the alcohol brain wearing off and my body getting back in rhythm. I also know the bulimia is knocking my electrolytes off and that is not helping. Normally alcohol sugar would combat this….not healthy. I will take it easy on myself though, I always want to rush myself but recovery takes time.
I really wish I could get back into college. I owe $2,700 since when I withdrew my student loan was reversed. I suppose it is whatever. Someday I will be rich lol. Probably not now that we have a racist as hell president who somehow managed to fool half the country that he loves minorities….and don’t let me get into the vice president
Yeah, I did not sleep well last night but that is okay. I still got enough sleep. I binged and purged when I got home but I was fine at work all day. Today I am eating fine at work too. I think I just have bad habits. Last night I really wanted a drink but it wasn’t until after I purged so I am almost certain I wanted the sugar alcohol.
I wonder….if I will ever get past these feelings. As long as I have them I cannot reach out to my daughters parents. I have tried to change them to hate and anger but that only makes me feel cruddy and gives me more of a heart ache. I am trying to submerse myself in work. The more stress the better to be honest. I just have to fake it till I make it. Fake being happy till I am. Fake I know what I am doing till I do. Fake being confident till I am. Fake I have my shit in order till I do.
Oofda…too much caffeine, talk about heartache hurting more. Ugh the anxiety. Blerg. I didn’t get much sleep last night because I got up early to donate plasma. I combatted that with a large coffee with three expresso shots….and considering I have really cut back on caffeine I am on the verge of either a heart attack or anxiety attack.
The need to drink in the evenings is rough. I know it is my electrolytes being off balance.
Well….I failed last night and drank. I am honestly just plain upset at myself. I am anxious today, slightly hungover, have a horrible tummy ache, and just feel ashamed. It was a rough purging session too. I know better. Damnit.
Drinking fools me to think it numbs the heartache but it doesn’t. I didn’t even want to drink…I was driving to the liquor store and just felt so dissociated and numb. Its like I was telling my brain I did not want to drink but it just didn’t feel anything. And then I of course binged…but even that…as I was buying food I just wasn’t feeling anything. I was feeling tired too and just wanted to go to bed…but no…my stupid stupid mind.
I know what I need to do…I know the coping mechanisms I need to work on. I know how I should proceed when I am disassociated. I know I need to ask God for help. I have dissected my entire brain and know why I do what I do and the ripple effects. Really I just need to learn discipline. I get lazy.
Well….what is done is done. Breath and try again. I refuse to give up. I need to make a plan to combat the moods I get in.
So this is my third day of sobriety, clean, eating normal, and no purging. My mind is foggy, my mouth has a weird sweet taste to it, and I feel semi bloated but not terrible. The scale has pretty much stayed the same but I do not know if I should even be looking at it. I have obviously been here many times before. The last time, even though I had God, I did not accept the fact that I was done. I have to feed the sobriety just like I do addiction. Therefore I am listening to podcasts and doing interpersonal therapy at home. I highly recommend doing this if you are trying to stay sober. There are a lot of therapists out there who are willing to give their therapy for free.
I am trying to figure out a game plan with all the uncertainty with the future. We all know I like to be prepared for different scenarios, however that is near impossible right now because I do not know the future and there are a hundred ways life can go. I suppose I never knew what the future held to begin with but it at least used to seem a little more hopeful. Maybe though….it was always a false hope. I put all my hopes and wants in this world rather than the one that mattered. Maybe there is no point to a game plan.
I do wish I would have appreciated life more and the time spent with loved ones. What’s done is done I guess.
Regardless what happens, I have made my peace with God. I understand now that as long as I keep my faith in him and trust him I will be saved. This world is not the one I care to be saved in, but rather eternal salvation. This world is the devils playground. As a follower of Christ it is my duty as his servant to spread the word of God in hopes souls that have strayed away will find him again. While many might deem this pointless and lack hope in the lost souls, from personal experience I can say it is 100% possible for people to find their way back. We all know how much of an atheist I was and how much I mocked anyone who followed him. I never want to live without Christ again.
Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may rant them repentance lading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will. (2 Timothy 2:22)
Love and understanding is how to lead people to God. This though is kind of challenging for me as I can understand but I also just get tired of people. Maybe that means I do not understand enough? I do not like listening to peoples problems, it annoys me. Shit, reading back on my blogs I annoy myself. I cannot even read my book because I want to tell myself to just shut up and get over it.
Essentially that is what people need to do to overcome trauma. Just get over it. Although I remember being told to do this and then feeling offended because I did not think anyone could understand.
Okay I am annoying myself again.
This next administration is going to finish bringing in the devil to America, and down shall we fall. I am afraid the birthing pains may be ending and the first seal shall be released, Communism.
Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer. (Revelation 6)
Oh well, what is meant to be will be.
Maybe…nothing will happen. Nothing can only last so long….we are just prolonging the inevitable. Either people fight back against Socialism or we succumb.
I feel like we have been living in 1984 longer then I realized, it just doesn’t even bother getting hidden now.
My mind is blah today. I suppose that is normal for where I am at with the sobriety and whatnot. I am taking tomorrow off but now I am debating on if I should work. I do not think anything happening to civilians is realistic, not yet. If Biden is sworn in tomorrow I am not sure there will be a World War but worldwide civil wars against with wars against the establishment. Does that make it a World War? Essentially if America sides with China and Russia than no other country stands a chance against communism. I am not sure if Russia even needs to be in there. I am also not a fan of the Vatican. Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. The pedophile ring surrounds the churches and elite. I guess at this point the Catholic Church might as well be considered the elite. When I say I am Catholic I mean from the beginning with what Jesus preached, before the devil took over. No one can say we are no in intense times worldwide.
That is really all I have for now. I am going to keep drinking water and stay hydrated. Have a good one peeps. Repent, while the end times may not be near, your time very well could be. Be ready. I love you all.
Well, Happy New Years peeps! So….now to be like everyone else and talk about New Year, New Me, HA!
So last year my New Years Resolutions were….Pointless to say the least. Soooooo…..
- Get closer to God
- Read the Bible fully
- Get in better shape- this one will be tricky, but I will figure it out. Gyms are starting to open up but theres just none in the town that I live.
- Become financially stable- I know I can do this…provided the collapse of the dollar doesn’t happen. At least I have a career now that is in the pharma industry so if a shutdown does happen, I will very likely still be an essential worker.
- Positivity- While I did great this year, it was not until towards the end of the year that I truly found my happiness and positivity inside, I want this to carry on into next year but an all year type thing.
- Learn to swim
- Jump off a plane again
- Build stronger relationships
- Become an activist- I feel like this will either be patriotic or for a pro-life movement
- Go back to college- (I know I know…somehow have to pay off the $2k bill)
- Move up in my career
- Do everything possible to be the role model I wish my daughter to look up to
POINTLESS EWWW BLABBER
I think I am only fooling myself if I say that my love for my daughters parents has changed, it hasn’t, I would still drop everything for them and would still give up everything if it meant being a part of their lives again. I think the difference though now is I can cope with the reality better. This last year has definitely hardened my soft spots. I would like to think I would never fool myself again but I know better, I would rather live in a lie than reality. I supose that always catches up eventually.
I tried to look forward to last night. I really wanted to like the guy. For dinner I made cilantro lime shrimp tacos, they were delicious. We played cards and had a few drinks and watched some comedy. There was just no connection on my end though. I really did try. But I kept looking for faults and trying to measure him up against my daughters parents and that was not fair to him. I didn’t find that one guy from the bank too great at first though either and then I spent way too long liking him. To be fair….I think I just have a habit of chasing people till they like me then I get bored…but we connected on a lot too. We wouldn’t now though, not unless his beliefs and values have completely changed. Maybe they have, mine did, but for some reason I feel like he is a guy whom is so settled he will never change, he is in his forties anyways I think.
The first time I met my daughters parents I wanted them to touch me….why can I not find that effect with anyone else. I want to find someone that has that instant jolt like they did. And why can I not stop thinking about them? That in itself is a sin. I think….I will always be pathetic to an extent. I hope they are okay and staying strong. I imagine not having me around to remind them of regrets has likely given them more energy to get past the cancer. Even if I never see them again, as long as they get past the cancer and are okay thats all that matters.
Enough of the heart. I wish I could go to D.C. on the 6th, it won’t happen, too expensive.
I PROMISE TO MYSELF I WILL LIVE THIS YEAR
NOTHING WORTH DOING EVER CAME EASY
Oh Kateri, you can be so much better than this. Sit up straight, smile, head up, pretend you have all the confidence in the world, big eyes, and show those pretty white teeth. Submerse yourself in work, laugh, go out with friends, chat with the ole timers at the bar, don’t let your guard down, never show the sorrow, never cry over sadness but instead the happiness, and always look pretty. Be daring, go for the adrenaline, after all, it numbs the heart, go for the highs, jump off the cliff, scare yourself, let yourself be free. Heartache is just one minor piece of what makes you up, so small its almost insignificant. Your smart, courageous, brave, wise, faithful, a victim who became a survivor who turned into a warrior, a beautiful woman who’s soaked up her trauma to become unbreakable, to become a Christian, and fearless. You see, even if it were the end of the world, you would face it head on, you would never stop fighting, never give in, you have stared the devil in the eyes repeatedly, and because of that, you will always push forward. Your soul is strong, God has you and he will never let go.
New year, new me, right? No…New Year…but NOW me. I have found myself.
“TREAT THE WORD IMPOSSIBLE AS NOTHING MORE THAN MOTIVATION”