Awoken2020

Merry Belated Christmas, I just realized I had posted the full out truth on Christmas lol. I actually forgot it had been Christmas, I had just seen I had been deleted more on social media at the time. If any of those people are still following my blog I just wanted to explain my side too. In the end though, I would rather not keep fragile relationships in my life.

I have lost many friends and family this year due to COVID opinions and political differences. I am okay with this, because again, fragile relationships. I will not apologize for trusting my instinct and knowing when puzzle pieces do not align. Luckily….now millions in America (if not billions around the world) are waking up. I do not feel alone now and even if I was, God knows the thirst for righteousness that is in my heart.

Oh yeah, so I started a new job last week for a pharma company. They store, package, and ship vaccines and medications that are being used for clinical trials and so on. They were just bought by a worldwide big pharma company so things are changing but that makes the benefits, pay, bonuses, and ultimately promotions better. With my experience from the last bio-manufacturing plant I worked their plan is to fast track me on up. I loved driving school busses but with the shut down of sports and trips there really were no hours to be had. I can not live off averaging 20 hours a week. The managers there were pretty upset I left, which I understand because they are short handed due to Covid and will be hurting once things open up, but I have to do what’s best for me. Needless to say they weren’t exactly the nicest to me once I put in my two weeks notice, which is a bummer because one of them was like a friend, but….I guess maybe not too.

I think this year has just brought out peoples true colors because its been so exhausting people can’t hide who they really are anymore.

I see the hardening of my face, the wrinkles that have appeared around my eyes, the relaxed sadness my mouth portrays when no one is looking.

Last New Years I was hopeful for a better year and had goals, now….heading into 2021, I am realistic.

I am grateful though for my eyes being opened. I feel like I am watching the un-woken society from the outside. Lies are obvious but believed by many. People want to believe the lies though, they don’t want to face the truth. Truth is a bitch and means facing demons. Truth makes people realize just how low they can sink and how easily they can be lead astray. If we are not honest with ourselves than how can we be deserving of heaven? Love, honesty, righteousness, and everything good is God. Ignorance, deceit, hate and everything bad is of the devil. Fear is a lack of trust in the Holy Spirit.

I hope to get the anger and hurt out of my heart with my daughters parents. There are so many mixed emotions. But its deserved none the less, there has to be self accountability when one refuses to face their demons.

I have a hen boiling for a good soup tomorrow. I just ate some bacon and eggs and have a really good tasting coffee I am drinking. I am thinking of trying to make sugar free iced coffee since I hear thats all the rage right now. I still love this little town and my apartment. Damn ladybugs seem to love my apartment too, I suppose this winter has their hibernation all messed up.

Bailey and the cats are good. Bailey is pretty happy these days I can get some fresh chicken scraps for him. The cats are happy they have a bigger apartment to run in and lots of windows to look out. We are pretty happy and content I think all in all.

I should get going, lots of chores to do. I just wanted to write a less emotional post. Have a good day peeps, stay safe and pray for enlightenment.

Ripples of Deceit

Hello my followers. I am happy I can finally be honest with you all. I feel like now I can finally heal because I can get my thoughts and feelings out about everything.

When I was talking about the ripple effects of all of this, they definitely became greater after my daughters mom got her cancer. The three of us never sat down to talk about everything and once the cancer came, any chance of talking was lost and ultimately only the negative existed. I could feel my daughters moms resentment towards me and anytime I tried to be supportive I would say the wrong things. Anything I said she saw as either an attack or insensitive. Since there was no way I could ever say anything that would be positive in her eyes, I took myself out of the picture. I started distancing myself and only offering occasional words of support. When I removed myself I knew that it would lead to them completely blocking me out of their lives, but I knew if it meant she didn’t have to deal with the anger inside towards me than that would give her more strength to beat the cancer.

So now social media accounts they’ve deleted me on, friends that I had made of theirs have deleted me, I no longer have house keys, and the small opening where there was a chance of friendship is gone, because her husband stabbed me where it hurt. I deserve it though.

Let me explain that one. So we all know I had a daughter through rape when I was around 18 and had put her up for adoption. We all know that its only been in the past couple years that I have come to accept the situation. My readers whom followed me since the beginning watched me face those demons. I would say it has only been in the last year to year and a half that I have wanted to kinda get to know her…but also not. Its still a weird thing for me. I have had resentment and hate towards that little girl for so long because of how she was conceived, and while I do not anymore, its….uncomfortable and confusing. I am so happy she’s happy, and she’s a very beautiful smart little girl. Her parents did not help when they were upset at me for a few years because I did not choose them for adoption again. But also in the past year and a half they have wanted to have more information on my daughter thats here, like they’ve gotten over their initial feelings. I think I am almost over the distaste they left in my mouth over the anger but anyways. So its just a lot of emotions there.

Well…so a couple weeks ago my daughters parents (here) wanted the mailing address of the other parents to send a Christmas card and said they would like to exchange numbers too. This is very uncomfortable because I just recently accepted the other daughter conceived through rape and I still am not sure how much of a relationship I want with her, none the less how much of a relationship I want her to have with my daughter who’s here, whom is my heart and everything. I eventually agreed to the mailing address but had made it very clear to my daughters dad how I did not want numbers exchanged. Well, when the other daughters parents got their card they had messaged me letting me know they received it and they sent a text to my daughters parents here. When I questioned my daughters dad here about it he said he did give them their number and quickly deflected to asking if I wanted to talk to my daughter for Christmas. I told him I felt like he tricked me. He had said we could talk about it after he was done helping a family member but pretty much he said he was sorry and he didn’t mean to make me feel tricked. He said to blame him. I responded with I am not sure how I wasn’t supposed to feel tricked. I was very clear how I felt about exchanging numbers so how could he be sorry? Also want to add he would have never told me, he would have just kept communicating with them behind my back. Luckily my other daughters mom does not hide anything from me. He never did respond.

When I explained to situation to the other daughters mom how uncomfortable I was she felt really bad. I had planned to just take myself out of both the families pictures because I didn’t want to be the bitch who said no communicating or visiting. She apologized to me and said she didn’t know I was uncomfortable with the numbers and assumed it was okay since it was given to them. She wants to do things when I am ready, when its best for everyone. She had just told that daughter last year about my daughter here so was not wanting to rush anything either. But yeah, she felt pretty bad because she thought she did something wrong too.

I feel like my daughters dad (here) was very out of bounds with this and almost permanently ruined the repairing relationship I have been attempting to heal with the other daughter and her parents. I am not sure if he meant any harm by it or if they just are not in their right minds because of the cancer. I ended up telling him that I did feel very hurt and betrayed and that I regretted trusting them with the other daughters address. I said I felt like we needed nothing to do with each other and I know that means I can’t have contact with my daughter. I am hoping she’s young enough she will quickly forget about me.

I wish I could be mad at her mom because I wish she had never touched me. I wish she had been a good friend too and saw horrible state of mind I was in back then. To be honest, she is the one who gave everything, she never would let me. This confuses me even more because I am not sure who should be more sorry. I can’t hate her though, or be angry, because she has cancer.

I am angry at him for betraying my trust like that and overstepping his boundaries with my other daughters family, but I also feel like I can’t be angry because I deserve it.

They’ve stabbed me where it hurts most and thats with me never seeing my daughter again.

And…..what sucks the most….is I don’t fully understand how I deserve all this. I know I did a horrible thing and I know I didn’t change fast enough, but it wasn’t all my fault. Why couldn’t they had just been happy and why could she just had never fed into my desires. I have been paying the price regardless. I guess I will even more.

I am not the person they used to know. Maybe its for the best then. I will suffer all thats possible in this life if it means I can pay the price for my past sins. I do deserve all of this pain in the end.

I Did a Horrible thing + A plea

I wish to explain to my readers why I went so crazy a couple years ago and why I could not tell the full story. I have always used blogging, now vlogging, as therapy, its been the best therapy since the hypnotherapy. It was always able to be felt though that I was not telling everything when it came to my daughters parents and I, but now, that we have parted our ways, I do want to talk. I do want to open up, because ultimately, they caused a great deal of suffering the past couple years, granted, I caused them probably an equal amount. I do take my share of the blame, however I am not the only one to blame.

I loved my daughters parents, in ways that were not appropriate. Or at least, I thought I did. I am not sure now, because I am not sure I want to believe pure love can die. I do still love them, just not in that same way. And honestly, these days when I think about them my heart aches. Can love cause pain? If it is a true honest love? I suppose that is where the problem is though, it wasn’t honest. It was deceitful and wrong and when something is not moral it causes ripples of destruction.

I am ashamed of whom I used to be, I was weak, broken, and needed someone to love me, just anyone. My daughters mom is a giver, whether it be to friends or her career, it is something I have admired about her. Her husband is definitely someone who has always needed her, in a sense, thats how they fulfilled each other. They were pretty balanced actually with that and their interests.

We all have a darkness and a place in our hearts we do not speak of but think about when no one is watching.

To my daughters mom that was always wanting to be wanted rather than needed. You see, her husband always needed her, he never made her feel wanted. This became progressively apparent when they adopted my daughter. Her husband can get in these moods where he doesn’t even make her feel needed though, its like he shuts off and blocks her out. It happened again while my daughter was an infant. While this was happening though, the three of us became very close, and to the point where her and I were close, and him and I were close individually. We each had a individual connection with each other on interests and in ways emotion.

We created a toxic yet not toxic triangle. Eventually the walls that her husband had been putting up became too much for my daughters mom. I made her feel wanted rather than needed. I wanted to spend time with her. She had never felt that before and was drawn to it. I on the other hand was in a horrible mental state where I wanted someone to show me love and affection. At this point I am assuming its obvious what happened between us, and it happened quite a few times.

I wanted both of them though, not just her mom. Her mom and I would often fantasize about the three of us. I really wish I would have been in the right mental state at the time to see how unrealistic this would ever be. I think in the back of my mind I always did know though, but she gave me the affection I craved. I did not give her what she deserved in return, but maybe I did….I do not know now.

Eventually she started to pull away. She realized her husbands distancing was because of our daughter. She said he could only love one person at a time. She saw how close him and I were getting and became worried because eventually our daughter would grow up. She had tried explaining this to me but at the time I could not understand. She knew if he could only love one person at a time then ultimately the three of us could never work out because he would choose one or the other, and she knew it would be me. I didn’t believe her at the time, I could not understand how love could change like that. Maybe I still don’t.

I did try to pull away at one point, inside I knew I couldn’t handle the heartache. I knew it was making me worst. She pulled me back, and with that, whenever she tried to pull away I kept thinking she would eventually come back. So I never stopped trying to bring her back to me. Eventually she called me the manipulative one…..I think we both were, not intentionally….just…emotions can make the mind do things it doesn’t want to.

As she started pulling away I started resenting him. I hated seeing them show affection to each other, I hated her for it most of all that she could do that right in front of me and I hated him for really no reason at all. I hated their marriage and eventually even marriage itself. Eventually seeing my daughter became a huge mixture of emotions. The internal toxicity of us started coming out and it never really stopped.

I just wanted to be loved.

And now, the repercussions of never being honest with each other have come to the end of our friendship, and probably the end of my connection with my daughter.

I found God….and with that I realize the true horrible nature of who I was. I was so terrible, toxic, desperate, disgusting, pathetic, and could only take. In my case it was because I never faced my demons. I never faced the child abuse. I never faced the rape. I never faced the abuse. I kept it all inside till it built up and made me an evil person.

Finding God took all those walls down that I built up to cover my emotions and opened my eyes and my heart. With that, guilt and heartache flooded in. I do feel terrible, and not just because of the end result, but because I should have told her no. I should have been a good friend and told her they needed to talk it out. I should have had more respect for their marriage, not just because they were my daughters parents but because they were also my best friends.

I can make all the excuses in the world on my end….maybe she can too. In the end we fed off each other’s yearnings and needs and created a toxic cycle.

He never deserved any of this though, he was faithful, he kept his boundaries. I eventually wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. I couldn’t face him though, and maybe that makes me a coward.

Honestly, all of it makes me a coward.

So now here I sit, alone, never knowing when I will see them or my daughter again…if I ever will.

I hope to never be that desperate again. I do not believe I ever will be. My faith will never allow me to sink that low. I do not believe God has love in my future. It is something I yearn, but I also have done terrible things, and I would rather suffer in this life than eternity.

I have apologized to both of them. It does not matter now, what’s done is done.

I beg those of you whom have not dealt with trauma, please, PLEASE do so. Face your demons before you lose everything. Find your faith. Do it before you live with regret. Its hell to, but it beats the ripple effects.

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