Change

Okay, well, I cant realistically leave the liquor store. I am guaranteed my hours there and I can’t realistically wait three weeks for a first paycheck from a new place. So, I am going to try it out. Honestly my mindset right now is that I feel so like a piece of shit and hate who I am when drinking that I am hoping that will keep me from wanting a drink. Right now the idea repulses me but I did tell my manager that if a time comes where I do crave a drink and think it will be a problem working there I will have to be done. So we will see. I hate who I am drinking, I just have to hold onto that thought I guess.

I had a friend text that one guy telling him I did apologize on Snapchat, he has yet to look but thats really all I can do. I don’t expect a reply but if he knows how sorry I am thats really all that matters to me. Live and learn I guess, I have to come out better than before and I promise to myself I will.

So my skydive tomorrow, I am putting meaning into it as I have mentioned. As I jump I will leave the old me behind and as I touch the ground it will be a new beginning. I have to be better. I have to be better for my friends and family, and most of all I have to be better for my daughter, because I want her to know most of all that all struggles can be overcome. Sometimes you will fuck up more than once but as long as you learn and become a better person thats all that matters in the end. I don’t want to die with regret.

I have always needed someone to lean on. I have never been strong enough to believe in myself or even love myself. Maybe thats why I started drinking during Covid, because I was alone and had to face my own leftover demons, but I didn’t. Instead I tried to drink them away but that never works, does it? I have always used my daughter and her parents as my strength but thats not fair to them and too much pressure really. I have a lot of inner strength I need to build and not only that I have to learn to love myself. I promise myself I will get there. Life is too short not to. I don’t expect a change overnight, its a process. Babysteps, I have to learn how to live on this side. I jumped and made it and the new world was scary. I have never had the coping mechanisms to live on the other side, and I thought they would just come once I made it, but they don’t. Life is a learning process. I will be better, and I know I will fuck up sometimes, but with every fuck up I promise to myself I will be better than who I was the day before.

The change starts now.

I am only on a break but am working a 13 hour shift, so this is all I have time to write. Thank you my readers for reading. Be better than who you were yesterday, forgive yourself, love yourself, baby steps, trust your spirit to guide you, and be strong. Do this all for yourself.

Change starts with regret I guess

So, I am sure many are dying to know how I’ve fucked things up, but maybe that was a little dramatic. I haven’t fucked everything up yet but honestly have probably come fairly close. So, lets just be real here.

I have been wanting to quit drinking for awhile now, very strongly at least a month, but two to three months building up. I am honestly not sure what happened. I mean, I do know, I let drinking be a coping mechanism. A coping mechanism for stress, loneliness, and anger. Financial stress, family health stress, loneliness of not seeing loved ones, and anger because of that and because of how fucked up the world has become. But I guess inside I figured if I wasn’t hurting anyone then who cared. I shouldn’t have to hurt someone in order to stop but I guess regret can break you or change you. I wont let it break me, but I do feel bad.

To explain more, the guy I met at the end of 2018, ya know, the one where it’s literally all over the place. I can’t say what happened is a bad thing in the long run because realistically we would just continuously disappoint each other. Well, I have been binge drinking quite a bit lately and therefore I am irritable and totally not myself. Well, him and I have very conflicting views on masks. I do not want to wear one, my anxiety goes up with it plus I want to be exposed, I have lived with no immune system before because of a lack of exposure and I don’t want that again. I can go deeper into this some other time. Well, anyways, on my birthday he brought it up and I got upset, more than I should have but thats what alcohol does to a person. That was Monday, and so Wednesday I just reamed on him, because once again, liquor. He didn’t deserve it at all and I said some terrible things I think, I honestly can’t remember. But of course I deleted him and his messages and told him to never talk to me again and he took it pretty seriously, which, he should have because he didn’t deserve that. I remember him begging me to be safe so that honestly makes me feel even shittier. Ive tried to apologize on Snapchat but unless they accept your friend request they cannot see anything, and I am not sure how often he checks for requests. I don’t deserve for him to talk to me again, but I do hope he eventually knows how sorry I am. I can’t say it was all irritation from the mask, I know there was a build up of the heart ache he has caused me as well and the continuous rejection. Anyways, its something I handled in a very negative and childish way. I am confident I will never hear from him again, but maybe its for the better, who knows, I probably caused him more trouble than anything.

I put my resignation in the for liquor store as I’ve mentioned, I have a buddy who works at a fast food place who is going to try to get me a job there. It pays a dollar more than the liquor store and closes earlier. He is fairly confident I can get the hours that I need. I am not fond of the idea of smelling like grease but its only part time. Also only the drive thru is open so no real direct customer service. But I won’t be surrounded by liquor so thats really all that matters.

Well, when the numerologist gave me a reading she said year 30 would be death, but not in a bad sense. Kaiva has given me a tarot reading and a start chart reading talking about how 30 starts a change in my life. Well…..most definitely it has, I wish it was better. But thats my own doing so I just have to hope to be better.

I am jumping off a plane at 8am on Sunday morning. I am going to put a lot of meaning into this jump. Its going to be the first positive adrenaline rush I have ever given myself. It has to be a new chapter.

Well peeps, I just wanted to get what I did off my head. I mean, its not really off my mind at all but time will heal regret if I allow it to. I am going to go to bed. Have a good night.

Sobriety again I guess

Well peeps, I just cant seem to stop fucking up. I put my notice in for the liquor store today. Its a bummer because I quite enjoy working there but theres too much temptation to down all the liquor and I am giving in a lot. Theres no enjoyment in it, I am just binge drinking and therefore I am purging non stop. I miss the person I was before when I was sober. I was laying out my spiritual foundation, exercising, eating right, reading, drawing, playing video games, like I was enjoying life. Why is it so easy to get back into the downward spiral? My moods definitely suffered too. I hurt a friend. I knew I was going to spiral too, I felt it coming but couldn’t stop it. Its like I needed to get there before I could stop. Well, lets start sobriety over again I guess. At least now I know I can’t take a six month break and expect to be better, no, the spiral will come back the moment I take that drink.

Life’s Okay

We had quite the storm last night. I woke up around 3 am to the loudest thunder and what I read were 80 mph winds. My flowers are a little toppled but I think they will spring back up. I have three flowers now actually that I have grown on my own, I feel quite accomplished about that. I am not sure what they are though, I just picked what looked pretty lol.


So I am debating on casually dating my coworker if he’s interested. I couldn’t seriously date someone with kids, especially since I miss my daughter so much but theres the temporary companionship that could be very beneficial right now. We might benefit each other. Stupid guy #1 has been messaging me more these days, but he also admits that he is bored so I am not putting much thought into it. I am thinking short and sweet is the way to go and if he wants to talk about his brother I will listen as a friend, but I don’t think I will ever be able to count on him as a being a friend.


Yesterday was not a great day for keeping the binging and purging at bay but I think I found a not great but not as terrible way of helping it and that is nicotine pouches and gum. Theoretically they are safer than tobacco and aren’t as disgusting since it just tastes like spearmint and nothing else, but it calms me and the chewing gum kinda satisfies the binging part. This will have to do for now. I am going to start being more physical so that should get my energy flowing so there is less chance of needing to b/p. Your Super products have really helped my body bounce back from when I give in.


My daughters mom has been in the hospital again, they think she has pneumonia in her right lung. They drained fluid the day before last. She just can’t catch a break. She really needs one too.


So when I say I am going to be more active, this is totally true. For one thing, not only will I be driving school busses, I am now hired on to help with landscaping around the schools grounds and during the school year am now hired on full time for maintenance and cleaning around the school. With the whole Covid thing the schools will have to be sanitized a lot. So I probably will not apply for the behavioral tech yet, maybe in the future, but warming up to kids first might be a good first step. I do plan to start going to the gym too. I was hoping Bailey and I could get a walk in this morning but it’s still raining. But we will see if we can.


I have my air breaks, passenger, and school bus permit test this morning. I am fairly confident I will pass. I passed the commercial one and thats technically the hard one and the guys at work have been giving me a throughly training of the air breaks and I have practiced the air breaks physical test so….wish me luck on that.


I also meet with my financial counselor this morning, its time to get serious about my life’s goals. I have come a long way but there is a long way to go.


I had the craziest dream last night though, there were creepy parts but what was cool was there was this mind test. It was like lucid dreaming I think but being in control. There was this headset I could put on and if I controlled what happened by thinking it. So I was actually thinking in my dreams. It was very detailed I remember, I can still see some of my classmates. We were a class I believe, or at a school. I remember at one part feeling scared but than relaxing myself and my breathing and it went away.


I didn’t drink at all last night, I did the night before. There is a strange comfort in it, I think it is more familiarity then enjoyment. When I worked with that guy from the liquor store the other night I had mentioned thinking I would take a break from drinking and he said that should be easy to do but I had said it would be easier to do if I could smoke weed (I can’t right now because of my new position)  but he had said I didn’t need that either. He said I didn’t need either. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who’s life is so relatable say that, usually people are in the same mindset as me. So the other night that is what I was thinking about, was that I just don’t need it. So yesterday I didn’t. I have found a doctor would will write me a note for weed though, its just pricey. It helps my joints so much though, but we will see.


I didn’t write yesterday because I was training a good chunk of the day and took a nice long nap and completely cleaned my apartment and did all my laundry. I also studied for my test so there wasn’t much time for anything else. Oh yeah, and I repotted two plants because I think I was drowning them, so they look a little rough, but I am learning! I should get today started, the eggs aren’t going to scramble themselves and the boys are hungry. So have a great day my peeps, stay positive.

Confuzzled

“I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
I want blood, guts, and chocolate cake
I wanna be a real fake
Yeah, I wish I’d been, I wish I’d been, a teen, teen idle
Wish I’d been a prom queen, fighting for the title
Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible
Feeling super, super, super suicidal“
-Marina

I miss the winter skies. I wish time would just freeze and calm itself. I miss the world moving at my pace. The skies are so angry and sad these days. They are so off balance.


Lol, so the coworker that I have been connecting with, I am fairly sure he likes me, which isn’t what I want or need right now. It could never work with him, he has two kids and is currently living with his ex wife. He has a lot that he needs to work on. He is capable of achieving a lot, I think he just needs someone to believe in him. After all, I didn’t start achieving anything until I had friends who pushed me to be better. Do those of us who have never had a good support system or good friends, do we naturally fall in love with those that first show it? That feels too dependent.


I am feeling okay today, my mind feels slower today. Closing the store four nights in a row can really mess with the sleep schedule, but I have been sleeping so that is good. I have training for the school bus this afternoon. Turns out I don’t work every night this week, just Friday- Sunday. I am actually okay with that, after dealing with idiots this weekend I will fully enjoy the break. Also, I think maybe my coworker needs a break from me, like so he can hopefully reevaluate his thinking. I don’t think he would be a bad guy to date, he is fairly moody but I think that is just the weight of life. We are just on different playing fields.


The farmers market is coming. I am excited, farm fresh food here I come! Its next weekend I believe. I killed the food I was trying to grow lol. Oh well, next year. I think I will have to move to get a better deal apartment. They will probably keep this apartment the same price even though the value is dropping. Theres a lot of new development with nicer apartments for around the same price. I might want something closer to the school busses, or at least where I don’t have to get on a messy interstate connection in the mornings.


Thats really all I have today folks. My mind is kinda just confuzzled today, like, it just needs a break. More later 🙂

Have a good day peeps
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