All Good

Sometimes it is easier to live in a lie than to face reality. The reality of never being good enough, or the “its not you its me,” bullshit every woman has heard at some point or another. No one wants to see the red flags of an investment in a relationship leaving them dry, rather, I feel those signs are there from the beginning and humans always seem to cling onto hope, even if it is false.

Ello

59 days sober…third day attempting to be bulimia free. Church bells ringing, mild headache, feeling empty, I am hungry, but not for any food in particular. The birds are chirping, the sky is clear, golden sunlight fills my apartment, beautiful plants hanging all around me…why do I not feel fulfilled? Am I still recovering from the emotional and mental train wreck from the last couple weeks? In retrospect, I am sure on the outside I looked determined and work focused. On the inside, however, I feel like I just had a week long screaming session in my head. It was just loud…but with nothing in particular. It was racing thoughts and stress, like ten radios on at the same time blaring. And now…it is just silence. Silence…and emptiness…at least I am getting my energy back. I am getting my energy back because my mind and emotions are not draining me. 

I want to enjoy life, is it possible though, without my daughter? I cannot center my happiness around her, it is an unfair burden to the both of us. Nor is it realistic. 

I feel bored. Bored enough to drink. Its only 10 am…how sad is that. I should go tanning, do some infrared therapy. Boredom is dangerous. 


Well….I went and gave Ashley furniture attitude about my sectional not having a delivery till the end of June and am now getting the sectional along with an office chair and reading chair on Thursday. I do not like having to give a bad persona but sometimes it works wonders. 

 I am finding if I do not eat all day I am better at keeping food down. So I think I need to only have my shakes during the day and not eat lunch. I am wondering if this is because if I eat lunch then I have to deal with the habit of eating and the wanting of purging. I just have to keep myself busy.

I did go tanning and in the infrared. I also went and bought some beautiful pink flowers for my table.

I have all of a sudden become very tired. I am going to go lose myself in anime and video games.

Goodnight yall.

58 Days Sober

Today is 58 days sober and $870 and 348 hours have been saved by not drinking. Yesterday I did not binge or purge at all. I am starting to feel like I am getting my ambition and mental clarity back. Its slow…but its there.

I realize whenever I think about my daughter I feel very sad and depressed. I have thought about reaching out to her parents but I know there is still anger inside of me at them and it would not be good to do so. She likely does not remember me anyways. They are definitely better off without me, I am sure they are very happy. The reality is is that I am toxic with loved ones, so I have no choice but to keep my distance. I really hope my daughters moms cancer is gone. I know my mom will occasionally talk to them but I do not ask. I do not want my mom to feel like she is in the middle of anything. Adoption….it could have been so good. I hope one day we can forgive each other, as for now, I will just have to pretend they do not exist. I cannot keep crying everyday to have my daughter. Regrets regrets regrets…please…if you have issues you know you need to get over…do so…please do so, otherwise you will have to live with a never ending broken heart in the end. I guarantee you…you do not want that.

The urge to drink today was very strong, it seems to be stronger lately. I am sure it is because it is getting nice out. I hate when its nice out, it reminds me too much of my daughter. I cause myself this heartache. I kept busy today cleaning, rearranging, organizing, and doing laundry. I have been watching a lot of anime too. I am doing whatever I can to keep from drinking. I did not purge today either. I think once I can get my coffee bean business going then I will be able to be busy enough to always fight the urge. The next time I see my daughter, no matter how many years it may be, I promise I will be someone she can be proud of.

Have a good evening peeps. I am going to go back to watching anime and playing video games. Escape from reality can be a good think once in awhile. Goodbye.

Serendipity

I realized something last night. I was impulsively buying food for a binging and purging session. When I tried talking myself out of it I started having the reality of this world hit me, which in turn made me extremely anxious, scared, and overwhelmed. I feel like that was the closest I have been to a panic attack in a while. I felt as if I was on the last straw. I thought about how many people have completely broken down the past year and wondered if I would be next. So I threw those thoughts aside, made myself numb, and binged and purged.

To me….this very much says I am using binging and purging as a coping mechanism for stress. I am trying to get over all the negative coping mechanisms, and when I think about it, the bulimia is the only real one that is left.

What am I without my toxic traits? Who am I? Can I really live without them? In this very broken world?

This morning I feel withdrawn but still focused if that makes sense. I feel like I am getting my energy back. I feel lost. I have always used the morning I wake up hungover after a hard night of drinking as my low point to go up from. A night full of hard liquor and uncontrollable continuous purging. What do I go up from if I do not have that? Is my low point going to be a new high point? I feel like I am losing a sense of identity with recovery. If I were a therapist I would tell my client this is completely normal because I am leaving an old comfortable self behind and opening myself up to a brand new non-familiar person.

We had two people put in their notices at work this week so I will probably be pretty busy. I am looking forward to it because it is a chance to prove myself. I promise to myself I will be the absolute best I can be, addictions or not. I will be great.

I will not realistically start the coffee business till probably May 1st. That is okay though, it gives me time to think up names. So far I have thought up Serendipity. I feel like that is more of a roasted coffee bean name…what do you think?

I wanted to get this out this morning, but it became a long busy day. I was actually supposed to have an early day out but now that we are going to be short handed I want to get signed off on as much as possible as fast as possible. So, with that, I hope you all have a good night.

Side note….after work I really wanted a drink, like REALLY. I had a disassociated spell come on. I know this is because of all the emotional and life stressors I have been under. But…I did not get a drink, rather I made a Costco run, moved my bedroom around, and am now listening to an Epstein podcast while waiting for dinner to finish cooking. So…I am proud of myself. And I did not vomit once today, granted I did not really eat anything either, just drank my shakes. But still…progress.

Have a good night my lovely’s.

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