59 days sober…third day attempting to be bulimia free. Church bells ringing, mild headache, feeling empty, I am hungry, but not for any food in particular. The birds are chirping, the sky is clear, golden sunlight fills my apartment, beautiful plants hanging all around me…why do I not feel fulfilled? Am I still recovering from the emotional and mental train wreck from the last couple weeks? In retrospect, I am sure on the outside I looked determined and work focused. On the inside, however, I feel like I just had a week long screaming session in my head. It was just loud…but with nothing in particular. It was racing thoughts and stress, like ten radios on at the same time blaring. And now…it is just silence. Silence…and emptiness…at least I am getting my energy back. I am getting my energy back because my mind and emotions are not draining me.
I want to enjoy life, is it possible though, without my daughter? I cannot center my happiness around her, it is an unfair burden to the both of us. Nor is it realistic.
I feel bored. Bored enough to drink. Its only 10 am…how sad is that. I should go tanning, do some infrared therapy. Boredom is dangerous.
Well….I went and gave Ashley furniture attitude about my sectional not having a delivery till the end of June and am now getting the sectional along with an office chair and reading chair on Thursday. I do not like having to give a bad persona but sometimes it works wonders.
I am finding if I do not eat all day I am better at keeping food down. So I think I need to only have my shakes during the day and not eat lunch. I am wondering if this is because if I eat lunch then I have to deal with the habit of eating and the wanting of purging. I just have to keep myself busy.
I did go tanning and in the infrared. I also went and bought some beautiful pink flowers for my table.
I have all of a sudden become very tired. I am going to go lose myself in anime and video games.