Today is 58 days sober and $870 and 348 hours have been saved by not drinking. Yesterday I did not binge or purge at all. I am starting to feel like I am getting my ambition and mental clarity back. Its slow…but its there.
I realize whenever I think about my daughter I feel very sad and depressed. I have thought about reaching out to her parents but I know there is still anger inside of me at them and it would not be good to do so. She likely does not remember me anyways. They are definitely better off without me, I am sure they are very happy. The reality is is that I am toxic with loved ones, so I have no choice but to keep my distance. I really hope my daughters moms cancer is gone. I know my mom will occasionally talk to them but I do not ask. I do not want my mom to feel like she is in the middle of anything. Adoption….it could have been so good. I hope one day we can forgive each other, as for now, I will just have to pretend they do not exist. I cannot keep crying everyday to have my daughter. Regrets regrets regrets…please…if you have issues you know you need to get over…do so…please do so, otherwise you will have to live with a never ending broken heart in the end. I guarantee you…you do not want that.
The urge to drink today was very strong, it seems to be stronger lately. I am sure it is because it is getting nice out. I hate when its nice out, it reminds me too much of my daughter. I cause myself this heartache. I kept busy today cleaning, rearranging, organizing, and doing laundry. I have been watching a lot of anime too. I am doing whatever I can to keep from drinking. I did not purge today either. I think once I can get my coffee bean business going then I will be able to be busy enough to always fight the urge. The next time I see my daughter, no matter how many years it may be, I promise I will be someone she can be proud of.
Have a good evening peeps. I am going to go back to watching anime and playing video games. Escape from reality can be a good think once in awhile. Goodbye.