I realized something last night. I was impulsively buying food for a binging and purging session. When I tried talking myself out of it I started having the reality of this world hit me, which in turn made me extremely anxious, scared, and overwhelmed. I feel like that was the closest I have been to a panic attack in a while. I felt as if I was on the last straw. I thought about how many people have completely broken down the past year and wondered if I would be next. So I threw those thoughts aside, made myself numb, and binged and purged.
To me….this very much says I am using binging and purging as a coping mechanism for stress. I am trying to get over all the negative coping mechanisms, and when I think about it, the bulimia is the only real one that is left.
What am I without my toxic traits? Who am I? Can I really live without them? In this very broken world?
This morning I feel withdrawn but still focused if that makes sense. I feel like I am getting my energy back. I feel lost. I have always used the morning I wake up hungover after a hard night of drinking as my low point to go up from. A night full of hard liquor and uncontrollable continuous purging. What do I go up from if I do not have that? Is my low point going to be a new high point? I feel like I am losing a sense of identity with recovery. If I were a therapist I would tell my client this is completely normal because I am leaving an old comfortable self behind and opening myself up to a brand new non-familiar person.
We had two people put in their notices at work this week so I will probably be pretty busy. I am looking forward to it because it is a chance to prove myself. I promise to myself I will be the absolute best I can be, addictions or not. I will be great.
I will not realistically start the coffee business till probably May 1st. That is okay though, it gives me time to think up names. So far I have thought up Serendipity. I feel like that is more of a roasted coffee bean name…what do you think?
I wanted to get this out this morning, but it became a long busy day. I was actually supposed to have an early day out but now that we are going to be short handed I want to get signed off on as much as possible as fast as possible. So, with that, I hope you all have a good night.
Side note….after work I really wanted a drink, like REALLY. I had a disassociated spell come on. I know this is because of all the emotional and life stressors I have been under. But…I did not get a drink, rather I made a Costco run, moved my bedroom around, and am now listening to an Epstein podcast while waiting for dinner to finish cooking. So…I am proud of myself. And I did not vomit once today, granted I did not really eat anything either, just drank my shakes. But still…progress.
Have a good night my lovely’s.