Stay Positive

I am 55 days sober, $825 and 330 hours saved. We will just say day 1 bulimia free. That is okay though, I am hopefully going to see someone who can give me a new perspective of how to go about handling it. I see my doctor today about the headaches, as long as it is not an ear infection I will just contribute it to my body not handling vomiting that well anymore.

Being in MSM side of social media, I often have countless inspirational posts flood my feeds. While each one believes themselves to be unique preaching strength, unity, and perseverance, I find them all quite boring and quite the opposite of their intended purpose. I feel like they are all on repeat….repeat after repeat after repeat…go after your dreams! Step out of your comfort zone! Join me and you will be successful! I never believed I could do it until I faced my fears! It all sounds like privileged bullshit to me….privileged sheep. Because you see….they always cost money to get started. Chances are if you are struggling or in a certain class….then so are your peers. Selling these products will not get you to financial freedom unless you are able to convince others into buying, selling, and promoting. They will definitely make you money however if you are in an already middle class or have the money to waste because chances are your groupies will too. If you want to be a person in a low class who actually does succeed in such a field, you will have to play your cards right and really stand out. How to do this? Hell if I know lol. But the reality is, if you are low class, you are already on a path to fail in this field.

I miss my daughter a lot. I think I will not realistically have anything to do with her till she is older and she can make the decision on her own to have me in her life. Her parents are very much media based and I have a pretty good feeling they will not let me see her unless I am vaccinated. They also seem to do things in spite of me. It would not be good for us to have a relationship. For the longest time I blamed everything on myself but none of it was ALL my fault. Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if I would have chosen the other parents, would life be more stable for my daughter? The other potential parents looked very confident. The fact I was able to bond with my daughters parents so quickly should have been the first red flag. At the time I bonded with everything broken, weak, toxic, or insecure. They are good parents regardless. Just when I reflect now with where I am at with recovery and how I am able to decipher my relationships…getting too close would be something I would watch out for now. Well, what’s fucked up is fucked up.

The Profile by Sanford is going fairly decent, I am happy I always have a consumption schedule to fall back on after purging sessions. I am thinking of contacting the Sanford hospital itself since they have a special program for eating disorders. Right now I am looking at a private therapist. Maybe it will be cheaper too.

My emotions today are slightly upbeat. I told myself I was going to wake up in a good mood. I didn’t quite do that but I did get myself there even though I was running late. I need to stop going to bed late. I know I need an adequate amount of sleep otherwise it messes with my ability to combat the BPD mood swings. I just let my mind get to running and give in. I need to stop doing that.

I am going to try to get in a clinical trial. It is a pretty simple medication, its for ADHD and overeating. It will be pretty easy to flush it from my system. It is about $1,400 for two full day stays. I refuse to stay in debt, I refuse to let life break me. I have too much going for me. I WILL get out of this low class, I REFUSE to stay poor forever!

I really need to schedule a dental appointment….I just really hate it….they hurt my teeth. I mean, my teeth and gums already hurt and I really need to get that stupid cavity filled before its a dang root canal….but….still…it hurts so bad when they touch my teeth. This is why I need to get better, I cannot lose my teeth. I know the more I age the more my bulimia is destroying me faster. I will absolutely recover.

I hope I did not blabber too long. Have a good day peeps, stay positive, remember….pessimism is not reality. Reality is a combination of good and bad, optimism and pessimism are merely personal outlooks, only you can control how you view life.

Published by Unbreakable Kitten

Headed East towards the horizon

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