When I first started blogging, my daughters mom said she liked when I blogged every morning because she could tell if I was going to have a good or bad day. I found it very therapeutic, and it obviously was with how far I have come. I think I need to start this again. So lets begin….again.
Hello, my name is Kateri and I am a recovering alcoholic, daily recovering bulimic, who suffers from a Borderline Personality Disorder, that I have worked hard to control….but it still gets the best of me. I have been sober 53 days and am documenting my recovery on Tiktok at Unbreakablenative. I am seeing a nutritionist to learn proper nutrition. I am going to Profile by Sanford which Sanford is our main hospital. It is a lot of shakes and controlled eating. I am slightly overweight, very common with bulimics. I have set up an appointment with a therapist also to see if I can get a different behavioral approach. Although I have a background in Psychology, I feel like I am missing something. I can go days without a binging and purging session but then when I do….its for days, as normal as ever.
I cannot remember when I last had a regular blogging session. But to catch people up, at this point in time, my binging and purging is more dissociative I believe. I do not have a fear of gaining weight while in an episode but just not being able to stop eating, which is a response to an underlying issue. It did not occur to me till tonight that I might have a binging disorder, separate from bulimia itself. When I was in an episode tonight I just felt so disassociated. There was no fear of gaining weight but just absolute nothing. I felt sad about missing my daughter like I do all holidays, but I have had this binging and purging session going on for the past couple days. It started when I got an Easter Basket that came with a pie and Hawaiian sweet rolls that I just felt the need to have that feeling of feeling full and then the need to feel purging. But then it turned into just the need to eat and eat and eat. So after this new perspective, I am kind of wondering if I am dealing with more than just bulimia itself, but a purging disorder and binging disorder. Its different mindsets and different needs. I will have to ponder this more.
I do not feel anxious much these days…but maybe I am on the inside and my consciousness has learned to block it out. I am able to compartmentalize quite well these days, maybe I am brushing emotions away rather than feeling them. I could not pinpoint what they are though.
I still have not talked to my daughter or her parents…I do not expect this to happen for a while, years maybe. To be honest, if they were to reach out right now I do not think I would respond with more then necessary. I love my daughter to death and she is my heart, she saved my life, but I put too much on her to bring me fulfillment and happiness. I now have the door open to find that within me, and I am close. But…I cannot risk the door shutting because I refuse to be that toxic person I was.
My head hurts like usual this morning, I am thinking I might have to see a doctor soon for the headaches. Its been a good 3-4 weeks now of straight headaches. It could just be stress as well.
I feel fairly blah this morning….helpless in a sense…or maybe its hopeless. No real direction, irritable.
Have a good day peeps!