Disassociation, when my mind tells me no….I don’t want it…I want to be better…I break away, feel nothing, and succumb to the habit.
I know I will regret the drink in the morning, yet I do it anyways. Every morning, even if I am not sick, I still wish I wouldn’t have. All day I have been thinking since I have having a four day weekend it would be great to just buy a box of wine…but what a waste of a life. Its exhausting always trying to recover.
How sick am I…I ate some ribs and mac and cheese for lunch, nothing over the top, I actually threw some of the mac and cheese away. I went to go wash my hands and was not thinking of much, I was fairly certain someone was in the bathroom. Anyways…when I was drying my hands off I stepped back and realized I was the only one in there….my first immediate thought was oh this would be a great time to vomit. I did not have any intention of doing such a thing…nor did I. It was just an automatic response of “oh hey, this would be a grand opportunity!” Like….what the hell Kateri.
I had a revelation this morning. Okay it wasn’t really a revelation but a podcast I listen to about sobriety. I know I have mentioned before I can be good all day and eat and drink normally but when I get home I have this unimaginable thirst to drink….even though I don’t want to, same with eating and purging. I have mentioned it feeling like an out of body experience but I guess in an essence that’s what it is. Its not the craving of alcohol and purging I am feeling but rather the craving of the habit itself. When do I normally drink and purge? In the evenings….because that is often the time of day I do such things. I have heard this mentioned before with trauma, like the time of day you were abused is the time of day you often feel the worst, till you get over the trauma of course.
To break a habit I need to replace it. Mind, body, and spirit, these are all connected. I can have all the faith in the world and mentally want to quit, but if I do not take care of myself physically, then I am already doomed to fail. Same can be said if I don’t take care of myself mentally but I do physically. There has to be the balance. All I am missing is the physical part. I have to be better.
I am not insane, I am not a failure, I am only determined to get better and be the best I can be. Who is that woman I wish to be? She is a good Christian, confident, kind, empathetic, strong inside and out, healthy, sober. She is a leader, a role model, a preacher, fearless, and righteous. Eventually she will be a mother, a grandmother, and maybe even a great grandmother. By Gods grace she will succeed.
I am only a failure when I give up….I refuse to do so.