Failure In the Making

25Jan2021

Hey guys! So I am going on 9 days sober! And to be honest, yesterday was fucking horrible. I did not drink but wow talk about cravings and needing anything to numb the thirst. I of course knew to expect this. I have always filled the empty void with food and liquor. This is where I need to develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Needless to say yesterday was full of binging and purging. There was absolutely no satisfaction, even as the food was going in my tummy. I actually barely even felt it. There was not even a fullness. It felt like I was trying to fill up a bottomless pit. I felt like I was watching myself from the outside eating and purging, eating and purging….disassociating I am sure.

I know I need to feed the bulimia recovery. I feed my faith by reading the Bible, praying, and studying the Bible. I feed the sobriety by listening to podcasts about sobriety and reading about sobriety. Now I must somehow find a way to feed the bulimia recovery. I think feeding the sobriety will help the bulimia but I also know that there has to be more of a physical feeding to combat the bulimia. I know I need to start working out. The school next to me has their gym open to the public so when I can afford that I will join. Its actually only $100 per year, so less than $10 a month. That is the only place to work out in this town.

I am realizing a lot of my addictions are based off pure boredom. Its like I almost don’t know how to enjoy life without some kind of substance. I know I need endorphins, that high feeling. That is why I enjoy jumping off planes, or being scared by horror movies, or being high. Addictive personality…its fun.

There is heartache too mixed in with my drinking and purging. I know as long as I have feelings for my daughters parents I really can’t have anything to do with them. I try not to, I pray a lot for them to go away. I am toxic to them as long as the feelings exist. I can’t do that to them nor my daughter, I can’t risk my daughter losing a stable family again. In a sense I blame myself for her moms troubles. I do believe God makes us suffer for bad enough sins. Her mom betrayed her marriage under God. I take the blame though because if I never would have acted on my feelings then she never would have been tempted. If she never would have been tempted then she never would have done what she did. If it weren’t for the alcohol I probably would have never acted on my impulses, I would have been able to think straight. Alcohol makes me selfish and everything bad. I deserve the heartache. I deserve what her mom is going through as well, I guess God must see it differently.

I slept a ton this weekend. Friday night, 11 hours, Saturday almost 8 hours, and last night 7.5 hours, it was honestly amazing. I feel so exhausted and like I can sleep forever. I know that is the alcohol brain wearing off and my body getting back in rhythm. I also know the bulimia is knocking my electrolytes off and that is not helping. Normally alcohol sugar would combat this….not healthy. I will take it easy on myself though, I always want to rush myself but recovery takes time.

I really wish I could get back into college. I owe $2,700 since when I withdrew my student loan was reversed. I suppose it is whatever. Someday I will be rich lol. Probably not now that we have a racist as hell president who somehow managed to fool half the country that he loves minorities….and don’t let me get into the vice president

27Jan2021

Yeah, I did not sleep well last night but that is okay. I still got enough sleep. I binged and purged when I got home but I was fine at work all day. Today I am eating fine at work too. I think I just have bad habits. Last night I really wanted a drink but it wasn’t until after I purged so I am almost certain I wanted the sugar alcohol.

28Jan2021

I wonder….if I will ever get past these feelings. As long as I have them I cannot reach out to my daughters parents. I have tried to change them to hate and anger but that only makes me feel cruddy and gives me more of a heart ache. I am trying to submerse myself in work. The more stress the better to be honest. I just have to fake it till I make it. Fake being happy till I am. Fake I know what I am doing till I do. Fake being confident till I am. Fake I have my shit in order till I do.

Oofda…too much caffeine, talk about heartache hurting more. Ugh the anxiety. Blerg. I didn’t get much sleep last night because I got up early to donate plasma. I combatted that with a large coffee with three expresso shots….and considering I have really cut back on caffeine I am on the verge of either a heart attack or anxiety attack.

The need to drink in the evenings is rough. I know it is my electrolytes being off balance.

Today

Well….I failed last night and drank. I am honestly just plain upset at myself. I am anxious today, slightly hungover, have a horrible tummy ache, and just feel ashamed. It was a rough purging session too. I know better. Damnit.

Drinking fools me to think it numbs the heartache but it doesn’t. I didn’t even want to drink…I was driving to the liquor store and just felt so dissociated and numb. Its like I was telling my brain I did not want to drink but it just didn’t feel anything. And then I of course binged…but even that…as I was buying food I just wasn’t feeling anything. I was feeling tired too and just wanted to go to bed…but no…my stupid stupid mind.

I know what I need to do…I know the coping mechanisms I need to work on. I know how I should proceed when I am disassociated. I know I need to ask God for help. I have dissected my entire brain and know why I do what I do and the ripple effects. Really I just need to learn discipline. I get lazy.

Well….what is done is done. Breath and try again. I refuse to give up. I need to make a plan to combat the moods I get in.

Sorry friends.

Published by Unbreakable Kitten

Headed East towards the horizon

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