Well, Happy New Years peeps! So….now to be like everyone else and talk about New Year, New Me, HA!
So last year my New Years Resolutions were….Pointless to say the least. Soooooo…..
- Get closer to God
- Read the Bible fully
- Get in better shape- this one will be tricky, but I will figure it out. Gyms are starting to open up but theres just none in the town that I live.
- Become financially stable- I know I can do this…provided the collapse of the dollar doesn’t happen. At least I have a career now that is in the pharma industry so if a shutdown does happen, I will very likely still be an essential worker.
- Positivity- While I did great this year, it was not until towards the end of the year that I truly found my happiness and positivity inside, I want this to carry on into next year but an all year type thing.
- Learn to swim
- Jump off a plane again
- Build stronger relationships
- Become an activist- I feel like this will either be patriotic or for a pro-life movement
- Go back to college- (I know I know…somehow have to pay off the $2k bill)
- Move up in my career
- Do everything possible to be the role model I wish my daughter to look up to
POINTLESS EWWW BLABBER
I think I am only fooling myself if I say that my love for my daughters parents has changed, it hasn’t, I would still drop everything for them and would still give up everything if it meant being a part of their lives again. I think the difference though now is I can cope with the reality better. This last year has definitely hardened my soft spots. I would like to think I would never fool myself again but I know better, I would rather live in a lie than reality. I supose that always catches up eventually.
I tried to look forward to last night. I really wanted to like the guy. For dinner I made cilantro lime shrimp tacos, they were delicious. We played cards and had a few drinks and watched some comedy. There was just no connection on my end though. I really did try. But I kept looking for faults and trying to measure him up against my daughters parents and that was not fair to him. I didn’t find that one guy from the bank too great at first though either and then I spent way too long liking him. To be fair….I think I just have a habit of chasing people till they like me then I get bored…but we connected on a lot too. We wouldn’t now though, not unless his beliefs and values have completely changed. Maybe they have, mine did, but for some reason I feel like he is a guy whom is so settled he will never change, he is in his forties anyways I think.
The first time I met my daughters parents I wanted them to touch me….why can I not find that effect with anyone else. I want to find someone that has that instant jolt like they did. And why can I not stop thinking about them? That in itself is a sin. I think….I will always be pathetic to an extent. I hope they are okay and staying strong. I imagine not having me around to remind them of regrets has likely given them more energy to get past the cancer. Even if I never see them again, as long as they get past the cancer and are okay thats all that matters.
Enough of the heart. I wish I could go to D.C. on the 6th, it won’t happen, too expensive.
I PROMISE TO MYSELF I WILL LIVE THIS YEAR
NOTHING WORTH DOING EVER CAME EASY
Oh Kateri, you can be so much better than this. Sit up straight, smile, head up, pretend you have all the confidence in the world, big eyes, and show those pretty white teeth. Submerse yourself in work, laugh, go out with friends, chat with the ole timers at the bar, don’t let your guard down, never show the sorrow, never cry over sadness but instead the happiness, and always look pretty. Be daring, go for the adrenaline, after all, it numbs the heart, go for the highs, jump off the cliff, scare yourself, let yourself be free. Heartache is just one minor piece of what makes you up, so small its almost insignificant. Your smart, courageous, brave, wise, faithful, a victim who became a survivor who turned into a warrior, a beautiful woman who’s soaked up her trauma to become unbreakable, to become a Christian, and fearless. You see, even if it were the end of the world, you would face it head on, you would never stop fighting, never give in, you have stared the devil in the eyes repeatedly, and because of that, you will always push forward. Your soul is strong, God has you and he will never let go.
New year, new me, right? No…New Year…but NOW me. I have found myself.
“TREAT THE WORD IMPOSSIBLE AS NOTHING MORE THAN MOTIVATION”