Pondering is not Healthy

Whenever I get a Facebook notification I keep hoping its my daughters parents adding me again. I should know better. I need to stop being so pathetic. Sadness doesn’t look good on anyone. I must do a good job at looking happy however since my coworkers seem to think I am happy go lucky. If only they knew. I am not suicidal or anything but I think I definitely understand how come everyone says “they seemed so happy,” after someone kills themselves. To have bad days with heartache is pretty normal for me, just now I don’t have to hide it.

I wish I could forget about their eyes though. I think her mom loved to use them on me. They were captivating when she would stare up at me. His eyes were often kind but when he would wake up from a nap, there was something else there. I could never figure out what though, it would be only for a second as he would open his eyelids, the softness of his face. Her touch was gentle but her hugs were strong. I wish I knew how to give love back in return. I had such a desperation to be loved at the time I only knew how to take warmth. My heart was like a black hole that was never satisfied off light. This yearning though to have them again… it is honestly probably why I will likely not find love.

I hate the anger and sadness I put on their faces. Why couldn’t I just let go? I saw their eyes after they cried, I can only imagine what their thoughts were, what they still are for that matter. Everything bad I suppose.

Maybe, there is a chance I will find happiness with someone else at least. One time when I asked my daughters mom if she was happy she asked what that really meant, because even if she was 60% happy that’s still mostly happy, therefore she must be happy. So really, I just have to find someone who makes me over 50% happy and I can say I am mostly happy and therefore, happy. Maybe that is what a good marriage really is, being over 50% happy….I am sure there is self-love that has to make up a good chunk over each individuals happiness in a happy marriage, after all, you shouldn’t have to lose your own sense of self in a marriage. But maybe you do….I don’t know. I don’t want to lose me. I have found too much of me.

Maybe…I should have never said anything about the phone number exchange. Do I have any room to be upset? Maybe we could have started to repair our relationship. Dishonesty only leads to further lies…by people whom never would have betrayed you. I guess those lies started with me, because while I was honest to my daughters mom how I felt about her in the beginning, the dishonesty for me was against her husband…I was not honest with him. I kept my feelings secret.

I have often wondered what would have happened if I had been honest with him about the way I felt about him, about both of them. I suppose we just would have ended a long time ago. He wouldn’t have put up with that, he would put his marriage first. Maybe ending everything long ago would have been easier on all our hearts.

I will do my best to fall in love with someone else. I think there is only so deep someone will be able to go, however. While many of my walls have come down…there is still that darkness inside that will exist when no one is watching. I want it to exist though. Maybe its not so much dark as its everything not acceptable, but in the back of my mind is what I yearn. Can love ever be bad? Acting on it sure, but the raw emotion itself? I would like to think not.

What if’s….dwell on them too long and you will go down a dark rabbit hole full of regret. It is not healthy to wonder…what ifs are for when no one is watching.

I had a good one on one with my new manager this morning since he is back now from his vacation. There are definitely a lot of opportunities for me to pursue. I am happy I found this place. I have to learn all that I can though because since a big pharma bought them out, expansion is sure to come. Plus once I am fully trained in there is already a good chunk of overtime available on a weekly basis.

I am really looking forward to that stimulus…even if it is only $600….that will help get me at least current on all my bills….not the collections or past due balances for things…but…still…current on primary bills will be nice. To have less financial stress would be great.

I think all in all I can say that I am a fairly happy person. Sure I have stressors, after all who doesn’t in 2020. Going through this year was horrible and many times I wanted to cry, breakdown, and punch a wall, in retrospect though, I see how much I have matured emotionally and accomplished mentally. Even if next year is worst…that is okay because I am prepared. I would hope it is better though. I am tired of surviving and dealing with trauma, it would be nice to just enjoy life where the ripples of trauma are not center focus.

I have been wondering…for many this year was horrible and people did not deal well at all. It was never just covid or politics though, everyone had something extra that seemed to go on. From a psychology point of view, I would have expected those minds already weak from P.T.S.D. to have completely crumbled…but instead…this year did the exact opposite for many of us. 2020 crumbled the supposedly healthy minds. Now I question what exactly is healthy.

I feel hungry but I am not sure if I am or not. Now that I do not use my CDL I am back to using weed for medicinal purposes. Its only been a few days however I feel a huge difference in my joints, mood, and even concentration. Even though I do not get randos I will go an get the medical card though regardless.

That’s all for today peeps, have a good one.

Published by Unbreakable Kitten

Headed East towards the horizon

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