Hello my followers. I am happy I can finally be honest with you all. I feel like now I can finally heal because I can get my thoughts and feelings out about everything.
When I was talking about the ripple effects of all of this, they definitely became greater after my daughters mom got her cancer. The three of us never sat down to talk about everything and once the cancer came, any chance of talking was lost and ultimately only the negative existed. I could feel my daughters moms resentment towards me and anytime I tried to be supportive I would say the wrong things. Anything I said she saw as either an attack or insensitive. Since there was no way I could ever say anything that would be positive in her eyes, I took myself out of the picture. I started distancing myself and only offering occasional words of support. When I removed myself I knew that it would lead to them completely blocking me out of their lives, but I knew if it meant she didn’t have to deal with the anger inside towards me than that would give her more strength to beat the cancer.
So now social media accounts they’ve deleted me on, friends that I had made of theirs have deleted me, I no longer have house keys, and the small opening where there was a chance of friendship is gone, because her husband stabbed me where it hurt. I deserve it though.
Let me explain that one. So we all know I had a daughter through rape when I was around 18 and had put her up for adoption. We all know that its only been in the past couple years that I have come to accept the situation. My readers whom followed me since the beginning watched me face those demons. I would say it has only been in the last year to year and a half that I have wanted to kinda get to know her…but also not. Its still a weird thing for me. I have had resentment and hate towards that little girl for so long because of how she was conceived, and while I do not anymore, its….uncomfortable and confusing. I am so happy she’s happy, and she’s a very beautiful smart little girl. Her parents did not help when they were upset at me for a few years because I did not choose them for adoption again. But also in the past year and a half they have wanted to have more information on my daughter thats here, like they’ve gotten over their initial feelings. I think I am almost over the distaste they left in my mouth over the anger but anyways. So its just a lot of emotions there.
Well…so a couple weeks ago my daughters parents (here) wanted the mailing address of the other parents to send a Christmas card and said they would like to exchange numbers too. This is very uncomfortable because I just recently accepted the other daughter conceived through rape and I still am not sure how much of a relationship I want with her, none the less how much of a relationship I want her to have with my daughter who’s here, whom is my heart and everything. I eventually agreed to the mailing address but had made it very clear to my daughters dad how I did not want numbers exchanged. Well, when the other daughters parents got their card they had messaged me letting me know they received it and they sent a text to my daughters parents here. When I questioned my daughters dad here about it he said he did give them their number and quickly deflected to asking if I wanted to talk to my daughter for Christmas. I told him I felt like he tricked me. He had said we could talk about it after he was done helping a family member but pretty much he said he was sorry and he didn’t mean to make me feel tricked. He said to blame him. I responded with I am not sure how I wasn’t supposed to feel tricked. I was very clear how I felt about exchanging numbers so how could he be sorry? Also want to add he would have never told me, he would have just kept communicating with them behind my back. Luckily my other daughters mom does not hide anything from me. He never did respond.
When I explained to situation to the other daughters mom how uncomfortable I was she felt really bad. I had planned to just take myself out of both the families pictures because I didn’t want to be the bitch who said no communicating or visiting. She apologized to me and said she didn’t know I was uncomfortable with the numbers and assumed it was okay since it was given to them. She wants to do things when I am ready, when its best for everyone. She had just told that daughter last year about my daughter here so was not wanting to rush anything either. But yeah, she felt pretty bad because she thought she did something wrong too.
I feel like my daughters dad (here) was very out of bounds with this and almost permanently ruined the repairing relationship I have been attempting to heal with the other daughter and her parents. I am not sure if he meant any harm by it or if they just are not in their right minds because of the cancer. I ended up telling him that I did feel very hurt and betrayed and that I regretted trusting them with the other daughters address. I said I felt like we needed nothing to do with each other and I know that means I can’t have contact with my daughter. I am hoping she’s young enough she will quickly forget about me.
I wish I could be mad at her mom because I wish she had never touched me. I wish she had been a good friend too and saw horrible state of mind I was in back then. To be honest, she is the one who gave everything, she never would let me. This confuses me even more because I am not sure who should be more sorry. I can’t hate her though, or be angry, because she has cancer.
I am angry at him for betraying my trust like that and overstepping his boundaries with my other daughters family, but I also feel like I can’t be angry because I deserve it.
They’ve stabbed me where it hurts most and thats with me never seeing my daughter again.
And…..what sucks the most….is I don’t fully understand how I deserve all this. I know I did a horrible thing and I know I didn’t change fast enough, but it wasn’t all my fault. Why couldn’t they had just been happy and why could she just had never fed into my desires. I have been paying the price regardless. I guess I will even more.
I am not the person they used to know. Maybe its for the best then. I will suffer all thats possible in this life if it means I can pay the price for my past sins. I do deserve all of this pain in the end.