I wish to explain to my readers why I went so crazy a couple years ago and why I could not tell the full story. I have always used blogging, now vlogging, as therapy, its been the best therapy since the hypnotherapy. It was always able to be felt though that I was not telling everything when it came to my daughters parents and I, but now, that we have parted our ways, I do want to talk. I do want to open up, because ultimately, they caused a great deal of suffering the past couple years, granted, I caused them probably an equal amount. I do take my share of the blame, however I am not the only one to blame.
I loved my daughters parents, in ways that were not appropriate. Or at least, I thought I did. I am not sure now, because I am not sure I want to believe pure love can die. I do still love them, just not in that same way. And honestly, these days when I think about them my heart aches. Can love cause pain? If it is a true honest love? I suppose that is where the problem is though, it wasn’t honest. It was deceitful and wrong and when something is not moral it causes ripples of destruction.
I am ashamed of whom I used to be, I was weak, broken, and needed someone to love me, just anyone. My daughters mom is a giver, whether it be to friends or her career, it is something I have admired about her. Her husband is definitely someone who has always needed her, in a sense, thats how they fulfilled each other. They were pretty balanced actually with that and their interests.
We all have a darkness and a place in our hearts we do not speak of but think about when no one is watching.
To my daughters mom that was always wanting to be wanted rather than needed. You see, her husband always needed her, he never made her feel wanted. This became progressively apparent when they adopted my daughter. Her husband can get in these moods where he doesn’t even make her feel needed though, its like he shuts off and blocks her out. It happened again while my daughter was an infant. While this was happening though, the three of us became very close, and to the point where her and I were close, and him and I were close individually. We each had a individual connection with each other on interests and in ways emotion.
We created a toxic yet not toxic triangle. Eventually the walls that her husband had been putting up became too much for my daughters mom. I made her feel wanted rather than needed. I wanted to spend time with her. She had never felt that before and was drawn to it. I on the other hand was in a horrible mental state where I wanted someone to show me love and affection. At this point I am assuming its obvious what happened between us, and it happened quite a few times.
I wanted both of them though, not just her mom. Her mom and I would often fantasize about the three of us. I really wish I would have been in the right mental state at the time to see how unrealistic this would ever be. I think in the back of my mind I always did know though, but she gave me the affection I craved. I did not give her what she deserved in return, but maybe I did….I do not know now.
Eventually she started to pull away. She realized her husbands distancing was because of our daughter. She said he could only love one person at a time. She saw how close him and I were getting and became worried because eventually our daughter would grow up. She had tried explaining this to me but at the time I could not understand. She knew if he could only love one person at a time then ultimately the three of us could never work out because he would choose one or the other, and she knew it would be me. I didn’t believe her at the time, I could not understand how love could change like that. Maybe I still don’t.
I did try to pull away at one point, inside I knew I couldn’t handle the heartache. I knew it was making me worst. She pulled me back, and with that, whenever she tried to pull away I kept thinking she would eventually come back. So I never stopped trying to bring her back to me. Eventually she called me the manipulative one…..I think we both were, not intentionally….just…emotions can make the mind do things it doesn’t want to.
As she started pulling away I started resenting him. I hated seeing them show affection to each other, I hated her for it most of all that she could do that right in front of me and I hated him for really no reason at all. I hated their marriage and eventually even marriage itself. Eventually seeing my daughter became a huge mixture of emotions. The internal toxicity of us started coming out and it never really stopped.
I just wanted to be loved.
And now, the repercussions of never being honest with each other have come to the end of our friendship, and probably the end of my connection with my daughter.
I found God….and with that I realize the true horrible nature of who I was. I was so terrible, toxic, desperate, disgusting, pathetic, and could only take. In my case it was because I never faced my demons. I never faced the child abuse. I never faced the rape. I never faced the abuse. I kept it all inside till it built up and made me an evil person.
Finding God took all those walls down that I built up to cover my emotions and opened my eyes and my heart. With that, guilt and heartache flooded in. I do feel terrible, and not just because of the end result, but because I should have told her no. I should have been a good friend and told her they needed to talk it out. I should have had more respect for their marriage, not just because they were my daughters parents but because they were also my best friends.
I can make all the excuses in the world on my end….maybe she can too. In the end we fed off each other’s yearnings and needs and created a toxic cycle.
He never deserved any of this though, he was faithful, he kept his boundaries. I eventually wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. I couldn’t face him though, and maybe that makes me a coward.
Honestly, all of it makes me a coward.
So now here I sit, alone, never knowing when I will see them or my daughter again…if I ever will.
I hope to never be that desperate again. I do not believe I ever will be. My faith will never allow me to sink that low. I do not believe God has love in my future. It is something I yearn, but I also have done terrible things, and I would rather suffer in this life than eternity.
I have apologized to both of them. It does not matter now, what’s done is done.
I beg those of you whom have not dealt with trauma, please, PLEASE do so. Face your demons before you lose everything. Find your faith. Do it before you live with regret. Its hell to, but it beats the ripple effects.