Well, something randomly weird happened today. I had a coworker who came up to me, a coworker who is amazingly nice and funny, whom was like “I didn’t know you were an author!” And in my mind I was thinking oh jeez, here comes the wrath. Like for someone who is as open as I am and have become internally naked to the world, its still weird to me when someone I know reads my story. He was hella nice about it though, no judgements, actually quite the opposite, and then that became uncomfortable because its like ahhhh, too much praise and unfamiliarity, gotta run. I didn’t really run lol and I did force myself to take in the compliments. He said he loved the way I wrote and how I was with words. Maybe someday that will amount to something.
I think, I really don’t know who I am. I was in deep thought this morning. Mainly because I like to sing in my bus on my way to pick up the kiddos and I randomly started on Mulan’s Reflection song. Like, what makes me unique and me? Sure I am someone’s daughter, niece, cousin, friend, but those don’t define me. When I have tried to quit the cycle of alcohol and bulimia I am always left with almost an emptiness, not depression, but theres just nothing. I used to use my daughter to fill in this space, but that is not fair to put on her.
I can say I enjoy reading, writing, drawing, but do they make me, me? Who am I? What is my identity? How do I become whole? Can I afford to become whole? If I saw an ideal me, it would be a beautiful healthy woman who enjoys cooking fine meals from scratch and appreciates every single piece of food she eats, its someone who doesn’t need that glass of wine, someone who will sit in her office for hours writing up a grand old story or painting a creepy picture, someone who puts forth the effort to further deepen her religious roots. I want to be someone who will run a marathon and will never make excuses on why I am not strong.
Its funny, I never wanted to be a weak little child, I sought to always be strong and free, but the ripples of the reasoning that backed them is what brought me down in adulthood. I do not want to be someone who in ten years has fallen victim repeatedly to life and addiction.
Maybe….I do not have an identity yet and thats why I question who I am, maybe thats why I cannot feel complete without the addictions…but I am not complete with the addictions, am I? No…instead the addictions mask the incomplete, fill up the void, so they can always be avoided. Maybe, I am ready to head down that path of self discovery.
I have come a long way since I first started blogging, but there are still things that are the same. I’ve wanted so badly to leave the old me behind, but maybe I should embrace her and build her up. After all, we are our past, and if we forget the past we will only repeat it.
So with that I am headed to bed. I slept cruddy last night, but thats okay, it just means onto bed early tonight. Have a good night everyone. Be good to yourselves. Its stressful and crazy times right now, believe me I know, but if you look for the beauty it will always be there.