Hello peeps, its been awhile, thats okay though, to be honest life has been very stressful with a lot of highs and lows, but such is the beauty of living.
So I am not sure how many of you follow my TikToks, but if you have not heard I did end up finding God. It was a few weeks back and really came out of nowhere. I had gotten drunk again but not bad, I actually felt okay the next day. I mean I felt gross and whatnot but I could be useful. Anyways, The morning after drinking something just really hit me, like I was feeling lousy because life has been very hard and the binging and alcohol are obviously my go to coping skills, but this certain morning I felt like a failure. I am not sure what made this morning any different, especially since I wasn’t really sick or anything but I broke down crying and calling out to God to help me and begging him to forgive a horrible sinner such as myself and I am not sure what happened but when I think about it now, its like my spirit grabbed onto his hand (metaphor)and I was so overwhelmed with love, yet shame and a feeling of being unworthy. I haven’t let go and everyday I feel myself slowly climbing up and now I believe I have him by two hands.
I went back to my roots in the Catholic faith and have gone to confession and received communion. Father said I am a born again Christian. My communion I received after confession he said was as special as if it had been my first. There is something different now when receiving communion, I kinda want to nicely ask Father if they put drugs in the bread because I feel like I’m high on a really good weed or something for awhile after receiving it. I haven’t decided on that yet though.
For the first time for as long as I can remember I prayed the rosary today. That was a bit overwhelming too, I am not quite sure why. Its a very beautiful a pure way of meditating. Maybe I still do not feel worthy. Actually I know I don’t and I know I am not.
I chose the Catholic faith because I want to start at the beginning of the Church, before it spread out. I think I would like to read up on some theology when I have time.
I have lost a couple friends over the past few months, I think that is okay though. One was very much for defunding the police and having police killed on the job. With constantly worrying about a brother who is an officer it was becoming a little problematic, but to be honest, I do not feel bad about letting her go. The other friend, I’ve wondered if we were even “friends” so to say since we never really did anything together. I mean we live in the same town and haven’t seen each other in like two years so meh. But I think what really put the final salty taste in my mouth was when I did find God again she really chewed me out for going back to the Catholic Church, she is Lutheran. It was a good long rant about how judge mental and whatnot they were and any time I tried to explain why I did she shot me down. I feel like she accepted me more as an atheist then a Catholic, ironically, it feels hypocritical. But she is very much a leftist without questioning the media. I personally find the media to be very dangerous and full of propaganda. Anyways, I do not feel like I lost much there either. We would go weeks without talking anyways.
The bulimia and alcoholism, its there, but every cycle seems to be getting shorter. Now its a cycle of only a few days before I feel like I am strong enough to get over it. I am hoping it will soon just be gone. I believe it will be.
Its cold, we have snow, I love it. I love the white skies.
I am hoping to hear back if I am approved for an apartment tomorrow. Its a small town outside of the city. Its actually a faster drive to work because its a straight shot up north on the highway and east on the interstate where as where I am at its constant construction and traffic to slow me down. The town welcomes you with a graveyard, I am in love with it. The apartment is a cute little two bedroom and half the cost of my one bedroom. I really need this, otherwise I am not sure what I will do. I took a pay cut and have never fully caught up from COVID ruining my finances. I love my job though, but it will be nice to cut my rent in half. I really do not know how I will survive if the landlord doesn’t approve me. I am barely holding on now. Please pray for me.
The cats and Bailey are good. We’ve been pretty lazy since the cold hit. Ha….if I were to be honest we’ve been lazy for months. Stress and depression can really take the life outta you lol.
Well peeps, I just wanted to give an update on my life. Time to get to bed so I can wake up refreshed and ready for the kiddos tomorrow!