Okay, well, I cant realistically leave the liquor store. I am guaranteed my hours there and I can’t realistically wait three weeks for a first paycheck from a new place. So, I am going to try it out. Honestly my mindset right now is that I feel so like a piece of shit and hate who I am when drinking that I am hoping that will keep me from wanting a drink. Right now the idea repulses me but I did tell my manager that if a time comes where I do crave a drink and think it will be a problem working there I will have to be done. So we will see. I hate who I am drinking, I just have to hold onto that thought I guess.
I had a friend text that one guy telling him I did apologize on Snapchat, he has yet to look but thats really all I can do. I don’t expect a reply but if he knows how sorry I am thats really all that matters to me. Live and learn I guess, I have to come out better than before and I promise to myself I will.
So my skydive tomorrow, I am putting meaning into it as I have mentioned. As I jump I will leave the old me behind and as I touch the ground it will be a new beginning. I have to be better. I have to be better for my friends and family, and most of all I have to be better for my daughter, because I want her to know most of all that all struggles can be overcome. Sometimes you will fuck up more than once but as long as you learn and become a better person thats all that matters in the end. I don’t want to die with regret.
I have always needed someone to lean on. I have never been strong enough to believe in myself or even love myself. Maybe thats why I started drinking during Covid, because I was alone and had to face my own leftover demons, but I didn’t. Instead I tried to drink them away but that never works, does it? I have always used my daughter and her parents as my strength but thats not fair to them and too much pressure really. I have a lot of inner strength I need to build and not only that I have to learn to love myself. I promise myself I will get there. Life is too short not to. I don’t expect a change overnight, its a process. Babysteps, I have to learn how to live on this side. I jumped and made it and the new world was scary. I have never had the coping mechanisms to live on the other side, and I thought they would just come once I made it, but they don’t. Life is a learning process. I will be better, and I know I will fuck up sometimes, but with every fuck up I promise to myself I will be better than who I was the day before.
The change starts now.
I am only on a break but am working a 13 hour shift, so this is all I have time to write. Thank you my readers for reading. Be better than who you were yesterday, forgive yourself, love yourself, baby steps, trust your spirit to guide you, and be strong. Do this all for yourself.