So, I am sure many are dying to know how I’ve fucked things up, but maybe that was a little dramatic. I haven’t fucked everything up yet but honestly have probably come fairly close. So, lets just be real here.
I have been wanting to quit drinking for awhile now, very strongly at least a month, but two to three months building up. I am honestly not sure what happened. I mean, I do know, I let drinking be a coping mechanism. A coping mechanism for stress, loneliness, and anger. Financial stress, family health stress, loneliness of not seeing loved ones, and anger because of that and because of how fucked up the world has become. But I guess inside I figured if I wasn’t hurting anyone then who cared. I shouldn’t have to hurt someone in order to stop but I guess regret can break you or change you. I wont let it break me, but I do feel bad.
To explain more, the guy I met at the end of 2018, ya know, the one where it’s literally all over the place. I can’t say what happened is a bad thing in the long run because realistically we would just continuously disappoint each other. Well, I have been binge drinking quite a bit lately and therefore I am irritable and totally not myself. Well, him and I have very conflicting views on masks. I do not want to wear one, my anxiety goes up with it plus I want to be exposed, I have lived with no immune system before because of a lack of exposure and I don’t want that again. I can go deeper into this some other time. Well, anyways, on my birthday he brought it up and I got upset, more than I should have but thats what alcohol does to a person. That was Monday, and so Wednesday I just reamed on him, because once again, liquor. He didn’t deserve it at all and I said some terrible things I think, I honestly can’t remember. But of course I deleted him and his messages and told him to never talk to me again and he took it pretty seriously, which, he should have because he didn’t deserve that. I remember him begging me to be safe so that honestly makes me feel even shittier. Ive tried to apologize on Snapchat but unless they accept your friend request they cannot see anything, and I am not sure how often he checks for requests. I don’t deserve for him to talk to me again, but I do hope he eventually knows how sorry I am. I can’t say it was all irritation from the mask, I know there was a build up of the heart ache he has caused me as well and the continuous rejection. Anyways, its something I handled in a very negative and childish way. I am confident I will never hear from him again, but maybe its for the better, who knows, I probably caused him more trouble than anything.
I put my resignation in the for liquor store as I’ve mentioned, I have a buddy who works at a fast food place who is going to try to get me a job there. It pays a dollar more than the liquor store and closes earlier. He is fairly confident I can get the hours that I need. I am not fond of the idea of smelling like grease but its only part time. Also only the drive thru is open so no real direct customer service. But I won’t be surrounded by liquor so thats really all that matters.
Well, when the numerologist gave me a reading she said year 30 would be death, but not in a bad sense. Kaiva has given me a tarot reading and a start chart reading talking about how 30 starts a change in my life. Well…..most definitely it has, I wish it was better. But thats my own doing so I just have to hope to be better.
I am jumping off a plane at 8am on Sunday morning. I am going to put a lot of meaning into this jump. Its going to be the first positive adrenaline rush I have ever given myself. It has to be a new chapter.
Well peeps, I just wanted to get what I did off my head. I mean, its not really off my mind at all but time will heal regret if I allow it to. I am going to go to bed. Have a good night.