Hello peeps. I suppose I should give a breakdown of how my life has been.
My daughters mom, my best friend, had her surgery with quite a few complications, after three weeks theres still issues. She did end up having cancer and will have to have chemo and radiation in a couple weeks. It was an extensive surgery, I believe it was about 14 hours. The doctor did a great job though. Her body just hasn’t been the most cooperative. To be bold, if she would have waiting another week for her first surgery to get her gallbladder out she would honestly be dead. When she starts her cancer treatment she will need chemo everyday for six weeks and radiation once a week for six months. I am trying to be positive for her and push her to be positive. Its kinda hard to do when I probably am not doing that well emotionally and mentally but I think texting and snaps make me look and seem very happy, which than there is nothing for her to worry about with me.
Some people have real problems, thus why I feel stupid for even feeling anything these days.
My temp job for Microsoft ended. It was decent I suppose but I am happy to have my desk back and my home as just my home, not a work space. It got too cluttered with all the work tech that I needed. Now I will be driving school busses and working for the school in between. For the warmer temps I will be helping out with landscaping. There is a good chance I will be getting overtime, so mix that with the liquor store that I got a month back, I should start doing fairly well financially. I am hoping during the school year to maybe even be a behavioral aid. We will see how that goes. I had a reiki session and another star chart reading done by Kaiva . She still insists I am supposed to help people and I am meant to nurture. So, maybe I need to help kids when I can still influence them to be better, like help them before they become broken and maybe they wont. If I became a psychologist I know I would never leave work at work and would always be disappointed, because lets face it, humans naturally give in to weaknesses, and if I became a social worker, that would just be mentally draining and honestly probably fairly traumatizing. Maybe helping kids is what I am looking for.
I know I need to quit the wine for now, I feel it starting to be a coping mechanism again. It is just hard when all the healthy coping mechanisms I was used to cant really all be used right now. It has been so disgustingly hot and muggy so I haven’t been walking. I know I need to get my energy flowing again. Purging occasionally sprouts its dumb little head but then it quickly goes away. I could see a cycle brewing though. It is also why I am trying to stay as busy as possible.
I feel like I am making excuses again. My gym is open, I can go there. I just really miss my meaningful friends and family.
Also, why do men have to be dumb? I will go into that later.
Bailey and the cats are doing well. Bailey has not really been to daycare since lockdown since I was home all day. I think now that I will be working a lot away from home I will start bringing him one to two times a week.
I meet with a financial advisor next Wednesday. Its time to get serious about all my shit. I was working with my daughters dad before COVID hit, now thats not exactly something he should prioritize right now.
I wonder when I will be able to cry again. I know its something I need to do. I just can’t. Maybe it is because there is no need to. I mean, I am just sad, I am not the one dying. I am still able to live my life as normal as possible everyday. Maybe I am just putting too much thought into my emotions.
I think that is enough for now. I close the liquor store tonight. Actually, I think in the next 8 days I will get one night off maybe. This is on top of working for the school full time. I want to go skydiving for my 30th birthday and everything I work this coming week will be on that paycheck, so might as well work my ass off for a week.
I hope you all have a great day. Try to stay positive, I honestly find pretending to be happy does help a lot.