Unbreakable Kitten

Every day is a struggle. I know my mind will never fully be right. There will always be spurts of depression and mania. Learning to recognize them helps, but it doesn’t make them any less painful. I have come a long way since the last post. I have learned that what the little girl-the little monster-needed was to be loved and held and given reassurance that everything would be ok. I accepted her as a part of me and she no longer rears her angry head and bares her teeth at the world. I am still damaged and will always be. I am what sexual abuse, bullying, and instability do to a person. There are many like me, just most succumb to the world and never get back up. I cannot say why I am different. I have spent many moments crying and asking myself why I think the way I do. I keep fighting though, even when I want to give up. My mind fights to survive. I have been bulimia free since January 1st, 2019. I ended up just not giving a shit anymore, mostly. My body has changed but I am active at the gym and even have a personal trainer. Ending the bulimia has helped end the abuse of alcohol. I find it more enjoyable these days and relaxing. I eat well; still lower carb, but I can also splurge without feeling guilty. I live in a safe and amazing apartment.
Money is still extremely tight but that’s okay, I can control it more easily. I have been accepted into NDSU with a tuition waiver scholarship. I will hopefully have my AAS by the end of the summer, provided a depression doesn’t knock me down too hard. I know there will always be an end to it though. It is still unclear what I was trying to accomplish, if anything, with writing this other than to document and to provide insight as to how much abuse fucks someone up. Getting my story out there to the world has been what helped me fully accept and heal from the past, now I just get to deal with the side effects from the damage, that is okay though, the past is not so heavy anymore. I’m not longer running from it, afraid of what will happen if it overtakes me. It almost feels as if it no longer exists.