Unbreakable Kitten

I went through my first hypnotherapy session and maybe this is part of the reason I feel exhausted, I am not sure. I went in with doubts, after all, the idea is cool and there is science to back it up, but it is also fairly hard to understand why or how it works, and I am a skeptic on things like that. I went in with the best positive attitude possible even though I was having doubts, but my daughters mom assured me it was something I needed to try.
When I first went in, I was actually fairly calm. My head was silent all morning, like a weird content silent. It’s a rarity this ever happens. When I went in the therapists office the first thing I noticed was I felt warm and comfortable. I was trying to pick out my surroundings but there was a lot while at the same time not much at all. She was also talking a bit so I didn’t get a good chance to look around but I don’t think I really minded either because I felt safe. She introduced herself and the basics of hypnotherapy. Ive already been brushing up on it so sorta knew what she was explaining but I liked that she wanted to make me feel as comfortable as possible. She also said she really liked my blog and it was very helpful. I do admit I let my ego feel good when she said she liked it and talked about how great my writing was. She got to the point of what she wanted to help me with fairly quickly.
So, I have always been fairly aware of what goes on in my mind but I have honestly never really laid it out and put the pieces together. In fact, I haven’t even gone back really to read any of my blogs. I get weirded out when I read about myself. Anyways, she had a whiteboard hanging on the wall to the left of me with my mind all mapped out. It was really interesting to look at because she looked at each of my blogs and put the pieces together of where anxiety, loneliness, devastation, and all the words I have used in my blogs were mentioned. I honestly had a hard time remembering some of my blogs till she started reading them and I was like “oh yeah!” It got me to thinking maybe my readers have been seeing the other side of me that I so desperately have been trying to hide. As she was explaining her map of my mind (very good indeed) I started getting this pressure in the front of my head, like right between my eyes. It was weird looking at myself from that point of view. So when she got done explaining her plan she wanted to start right away. I felt a little nervous and a bit weirded out to be honest, after all, I was still having those doubts. Any psychologist could map out my mind and how everything connects, however, what she wanted to do was still a bit out there to me and I was still a little skeptical. I trusted her though. She had me recline on a chair and put my feet. She was talking as she went to turn off the lights and to turn on a dim light. As she was doing so she was telling me to relax and it was so weird, because as she was walking around I instantly felt my body go into that sensation that I get before I try to get into that place between wake and sleep. I was a bit hesitant to close my eyes but she said to take all the time I needed. I felt safe so I let them close. She kept talking about how to relax and to feel the energy flow through me. She had me feel the energy flow through the top of me on down. I could feel my left leg tingle the most and the tips of my fingers. She eventually took my left hand and put it onto my stomach, that was weird. When I try now, I can lift my hand by the wrist, and even though I am trying to relax my hand, I still feel some resistance. When she did it at that moment to both, it was as if they were floppy. She put them onto my tummy and told me to feel them, which I did. What she did next was crazy but cool. She told me she was going to move her hands over me but not touch me. She wanted me to feel her energy, and crazy thing is, is that I did! She said we all have energies and I really felt hers. She kept talking calmly to me and eventually counted down, with every number she wanted me to focus on certain energy points in my body. And I guess after that, I was in a trance, however, still aware. It was as if I was in that place between wake and sleep that I like to go. It does get a little blurry here. The first one was easy, she asked about my brother and his wife when I was kicked out. She wanted me to think about how I felt and to drain the energy. I honestly cannot remember much of that one other than she had me pinpoint where it hurt in my body and to drain it out. This one went fairly quickly. The second one, however, was a bit on the harder side to reach. She asked me to think of what age I truly felt abandoned. She said a number would pop into my head but it wouldn’t. First I saw purple swirls, and than this weird blackness, than white shapes like neurons. I wasn’t able to get there. Eventually she said something else and right away the image of me cowering behind a couch came to surface. When I think about it now, this should have been the obvious time because this is the time that always pops in my head when I think about to back than. This is the time that I always say “well it happened before because I knew what to do.” I have also thought I knew what to do because it happened many times, but maybe it only happened once and I was smart enough to know what was going to happen? I have to think on this. Either way, she had me pinpoint where the pain was coming from. I know this took awhile because I think I had trouble finding it. I know when I was finding it the man started walking out of the bathroom. It was a weird feeling when I was able to pinpoint the anxiety and abandonment, because she had me focus to where I was feeling it, which I remember one place was in my heart and she guided me while I drained it away. I think it took a bit. I could feel the energy going out my leg. It was like in spurts, I had to keep on pushing it out but if I recall correctly, there was something blocking letting it fully out. I saw the man walking the girl to the bedroom and she asked me what I felt that was so bad that I wasn’t able to let it go. Eventually I thought of the toy gun, I have mentioned this before I think, I am not sure. I think the toy gun was in this event also, even though I have always thought of them to be separate. When she asked again for me to focus this energy and what I felt so guilty about, I realized it was because I wanted to kill him. I wanted that gun to be real so bad so I could kill him. She explained to me that I had a good heart and I felt guilty about this because I would never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, these words make me tear up a little now, because she is right. I pinpointed where these negative emotions were and drained them away. She then had me find the little girl again whom was behind the couch and to hold her. She wanted me to keep telling her how much I loved her and how she was going to survive. She survived it all and she will be okay. I than took her into my arms and held her. Than I was told to let her inside and when I did, I felt my whole chest become warm, I felt the love of her inside my heart. It was similar to the same love and warmth I receive from my daughter. And then she was gone. When I think about it now, the couch is empty, the bathroom is empty, the bed is empty. I see it, but it is all like an abandoned image. Maybe there is more there waiting, I do not know, but for the first time, I held that little girl I left behind and told her I loved her. This makes me cry now actually, because I have never thought to help her by simply loving and protecting her, nonetheless reassuring her she will survive. After this, we went into something else I think, but I cannot really remember. I felt like I was almost sleeping but the next thing I knew the hypnotherapist was counting to wake me up. I had to ask her if I was sleeping but she said I responded to everything she asked and I was told to do. After I woke up, we obviously talked about what happened. She mentioned when I was trying to get to the girl behind the couch there was a dark shadow that was in my midsection. When I felt that warmth in my heart she watched the dark shadow flow away. She said this shadow, whatever it was, was bad and was going to make me really sick very soon. What stood out to me about this was I felt I was about to get strep or a bad cold this morning. I complained about this to my daughter’s mom. Everyone else has been sick and I get strep a lot. What was strange, however, I do not feel sick at all now. My throat is fine. Maybe it was a dry throat that hurt, who knows. It was just a bit coincidental was all. I felt trapped in that weird haze for a couple hours after my session. I am still trying to process a lot of it.
I did not b/p today. I have felt different all day. I still feel like I am getting over something, I cannot really pinpoint it though. I suppose if I want to fully allow myself to heal, I need to open the last part of me up. I feel much of my life is a taboo subject that is all too common. Well, that is all for today peeps. I am exhausted and will be heading to bed.