Day 56- Another Direction

Could I one day feel normal?
Is there a chance that I can be happy and not have all the weight of anxiety on me?
Can I shut my mind off all the thoughts? Without the wine?

In order for one to be happy, don’t they need happy times? If I cannot think of a single happy moment in my childhood and very few in my teen years and adulthood, then to take the emotion out of everything bad, what is left? Happiness from since my daughter was born? To take the negative emotion out of 26 years, will there be anything left of me?

Afternoon: Trigger
Sometimes trying to keep a positive attitude and hopeful is exhausting. I do not have it in me to always be happy and optimistic. I’ll give it one last shot with hypnotherapy, but I do not want to put so much faith into it either. Although it’s exhausting trying over and over again. It’s exhausted to even wake up some days and then to have to put on a smile.
A&P is stressing me out. I hate that I had to take a science class that I will never need. Frick load of money for the class none the less the books and I have to take it merely for the fact that I need a science that can transfer. Generals are a rip off for the most part. I was lucky that I took my math’s and English’s I needed before, otherwise I would be doing those again also. I have to say I have never used algebra or trigonometry since taking the classes.

Deleting the Trigger
So, I decided to withdraw from my anatomy class, as clearly it was stressing me out. It has been stressing me out for a while actually. I enjoy school a lot and I didn’t want to take that class to begin with. I wanted to start out small and steady since I hadn’t been in school for almost five years. So, I dropped the lecture and lab. I still am taking my Ethics, Developmental Psychology, and Speech like I originally intended. That is okay with me. I do not want my other grades to suffer because I am too stressed with the Anatomy. My original plan was to retake a Biology that I didn’t withdraw from way back when and let fail. I want to retake that in a face to face lecture so I can get a good grade since I know I can get a good grade in that class. I let the orientation lady talk me into being full time even though I knew inside I wasn’t ready for that. I still work full time and am still working on myself obviously. I went a bit nuts a little earlier because I had been dreading the Anatomy test coming up. I feel a lot better now. School is once again fun, and I am on the track I feel I should have been on all along.

When I felt I was going crazy earlier I ended up climbing into bed and trying to get to the dream world or whatever it is. I felt I was close. I could feel my body there, but my mind was still not concentrating right. I am not sure I should be trying yet, but it is fun regardless. It also calmed me and made me realize what I needed to do about school.

I feel a lot better now. I have adjusted my schedule accordingly with my classes and work now. I am very happy with my decision. If I have triggers than I need to take care of them. I knew that if I kept the load on that I had, then it could cause a worst trigger later on. I am hopeful again, very hopeful. I feel like myself. I feel a lot lighter actually. I have been looking at different gyms to join since my work insurance will reimburse it. My chiropractor felt amazing yesterday and now that I feel my body getting back into place, I feel like I can start working out again. I do not feel like a 50-year-old lady, probably more lower thirties now. I am very excited to see how I feel at the end of the week. I am working on my mind and body. Hopefully by the end of next week I will be a whole new me, or at least a lot happier. I still wonder though, what all will be left if there is nothing negative? My daughter and her parents? I can live with that happily. I just don’t know what all happiness there is for the years prior to them. There has been a lot more that I haven’t talked about, not even with my daughters’ parents whom are closest to me. I imagine a lot of guilt is still there. Not from a personal stance, but because of the judging that comes from others. I suppose I should address some of these in the next few days. If I am going to be draining all the negative emotions, I need to start sooner than later.

Published by Unbreakable Kitten

Headed East towards the horizon

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