There was once a little girl who created her own world, although it had no name, it was her safe place. She learned to escape to it when bad things were happening. It was beautiful and vivid, she could smell the flowers and the salty oceans, feel the breeze, watch the deep blue sky turn black and see the planets and stars come out. In this world all her dreams had come true, she had many friends, always had someone to hold her, and she would go on adventures. She left her body behind to fend for itself, so her consciousness didn’t have to be aware when bad things happened. Although she tried to take all her mind with her, she left enough that understood what was happening was very bad and hurt a lot, and she was very scared, but even she abandoned herself. What was left behind became the monster.
I believe to an extent that everyone has another form of themselves inside them, whether it be the loss of who they wanted to be, and their dreams didn’t work to the simplest little thoughts of hoping karma can get at those who have done wrong to them. The human mind has many layers of consciousness, depending on what theories are looked up and each layer becomes harder to understand. I cannot say truthfully whether or not the girl inside me is a monster or just a sad reality left behind. As my daughter’s mom explained it, she is everything bad that has happened to me. I may not be as perfect as a statistic as I thought, because in theory I should be her all the time. She is sad, confused, scared, and still an angry little girl. She is who I try to keep my thoughts straight to avoid because she is the complete opposite of me. I have never thought of her as actually being separate from me until my daughter’s mom and I were talking yesterday. Maybe I do need to keep her separate so I can try to help her, after all, avoiding her is not working. She is my greatest weakness and could very well be my greatest danger. I just don’t have any idea how to help her yet.
I am sorry for being fairly short lately, I have been in a fairly emotional mood lately since Monday when I had that first depressive episode. I feel good now and know I will be stable for a while again. I am fairly certain hormones have a big reasoning behind my moods. My cycles are off balance while at the same time still cycles. I will have the same cramping and everything the same time every month, but it’s bad cramping, like having a real heavy flow, but then there is no bleeding. There might be occasional spotting but nothing that explains why I cramp so bad. I become pretty much a hormonal bitch and then can’t keep my thoughts and emotions in check and in turn the monster me comes out. I have had ultrasounds for this, but nothing has been found. I suppose it could just be a chemical imbalance. I am beginning to understand when these moods come, my mind will start wandering a lot more, I will have a harder time focusing, and when I have a low mood spell I know the little girl is about to come out so I work harder to keep her at bay though it never really works. So now she is gone, and I feel good again. It would be nice if I could send my blogs out to psychologists around the world and be like, here is my term paper, please grade accordingly and tell me the best advice to succeed. I can try talk therapy again, for the millionth time (over-exaggeration) but it gets exhausting. And I, for the most part, am really good. I am goal-oriented and fairly happy, but that other girl, even though she is not around much, she’s the exact opposite. When she is around, I know it and try to fight her, but I think I probably suck at it. If I feel blogging is helpful, maybe I need to let her speak too. Although I fear if I do my readers will understand just how crazy I feel I am.
Well, I suppose that will be all today. I am very busy at work today (NOT), but I do have homework I can do. It’s so beautiful outside today, I wouldn’t mind delivering mail in this weather. I am hungry, I am going to go get a pumpkin spice coffee, I think. OOOOooo, MMMMmmmm, Pumpkin! Have a good day everyone, please be good to yourselves, at least better than the monster is to me. BYYEE!