Unbreakable Kitten

YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
these thoughts ring through my mind as if you are still here
i still hear you as i purge up this food
GUILT- SO MUCH FUCKING GUILT
people starving
here i am wasting away food
i need to keep food down
I will change
tomorrow will be a new day
i promise i promise
tomorrow I will be done…..
Just drink some wine, relax, get over it.
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
no im not…..im so much more than that
NO YOUR NOT
yes i am….
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
drink to shut the voices off….
BRAND NEW MORNING, sun light trickling in through my shades, birds chirping, fresh air coming in the crack of my window, TODAY IS A NEW DAY!
coffee brewing
bacon & eggs sizzling
starting low carb today
keeping food down
today i will do it
i will get better
bite one, bite two, bite three, sip the coffee
absolutely delicious
eating breakfast off my patio
fresh air smells great
4,5,6,7,8,9,10….
belly feeling full…
drink more coffee…
belly feels full…
fuck…
no I don’t want to..just go away

YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG

vomit!!!!

BINGE
PURGE
BINGE
PURGE

weeks worth of groceries gone

SOBBING MISERABLY

i hate the sun i wish it would storm
YOUR NOTHING
but I am…
NOTHING

eating eating eating & eating some more
belly feels like it could explode
look in the mirror
i look pregnant
walk to the toilet
bend over
left arm across my chest
left hand like a monkeys paw
right hand clenching my left calf
elbows pushing in my tummy
pressure
out comes the food
such a familiar sound
familiar taste
familiar burn
its soft with an occasional scratch of hard food
stand up strait
still feel food
take a sip of water
not enough to push the food down
just enough for some lubricant
look in the mirror
getting skinnier
headache
light hurts my eyes
throat inflamed

okay one more time
you can do this
bend over
out comes the last chunk of food
acid
it burns
teeth feel gritty
stand up and flush
mouth wash
shwichel shwishel schwishel
SPIT!!
shwichel shwishel schwishel
SPIT!!

stand up straight
look in the mirror
bloodshot eyes
weird indent in cheeks

pull at skin
gobs of skin in my hand
wrap my hand around my wrist
fingernails pass each other
feel my ribs
suck in and see every bone
put hands around thighs
fingertips touch
wrap hands around my calves
fingers pass each other

look in the mirror
UGLY!
YOUR SO UGLY!!!!

YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
but im skinny
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
but im too skinny
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
im disgusting
im so disgusting
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
i know….i know….
i know i am…
disgusting

pinch skin
so fat
ugly
disgusting
i hate myself

sobbing
if these walls could speak they would cry too
pull my hair
curl into a ball
uncontrollable sobbing
cry till im too weak to cry more

calm

okay
SIGH
im okay

sun shines through the windows
fresh air comes in through the windows
i pet my dog and cats
they dont judge me
they love me
i cuddle them

“from here on I will be better”
pup licks my face
“i love you too”

pass out

wake up
afternoon sunlight shines in my eyes
its a beautiful day

tummy growling
empty