Pleasure

I am starting to believe this is all a test. I have been worried and scared for awhile, even when I did have a job, because I needed a second job to get caught up and ahead. I was becoming discouraged than, and after I lost my job, I felt completely helpless.

At the crystal shop they have a deck of cards in a basket, you shuffle them up and than choose one and than match it to a book and read what its about. Last month I chose patience, and when I think about it thats what I needed, everything happens for a reason right? So I went to the gym and started doing things I enjoyed, thus how I have built up my beliefs to what they are. Pretty much I just worked on myself while waiting. Today I got pleasure, and it made me think that I haven’t been enjoying life at all. I have been stressed, depressed, worried, anxious, overwhelmed, worthless, any normal emotion associated with losing all source of income I suppose, but for what? I am doing everything I can, I have tons of applications out there and have had a couple interviews, theres really nothing else I can do but wait.

So I think I am going to try and enjoy this time off. Common sense me says if my rent is 9 days past due, my loan payments will be due next week, my phone bill at the end of the week, and utility and whatnot in a couple weeks, that I am just ignoring the issue….I’m not though, I am fully aware there is a good chance I am fucked, but if you have one last meal before your put in the electric chair, aren’t you going to want to enjoy it? So I will go to the gym, play with Bailey, go to the crystal shop and relax with a book there, NOT starve myself, watch hockey, meditate, read, draw, see my daughter and friends, anything that makes me feel good, because, if I am fucked, I want to enjoy my last of my days comfortable, if I do find something, I want to enjoy my last days as free.

So anyways, that is where I am at. I just wanted to update you guys, still in a shitty position, but everything happens for a reason, right? Have a good day, the sun is out, relax and meditate and enjoy what Mother Nature has to offer.

Published by unbreakablekitten

Headed East towards the horizon

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