How does one describe growing up poor or in poverty and trying to get out? Trying to be better than their parents and surroundings but still only knowing that way of living? That way of coping? In my fucked up life I have already done better than my parents but still I am nothing. I obviously had a very shitty upbringing but I also learned no healthy coping habits at all either. I watched my parents spend money to make themselves feel better but that was after they were sobered up, my brothers were the ones that grew up with my dad as a bad alcoholic. I watched my parents go to church and put all their faith in a god who had done nothing for them.
Its always been funny to me that people thank god for anything good that happens when its just life, you can’t have the bad without the good and vice versa.
Stop drinking, stop smoking, stop purging, stop cutting, stop binging, stop stop stop stop, when you grow up colored and in trash its stop stop stop, because nothing you have learned can help you make it, you have to wipe it off, you have to be better because if your not, the garbage shows. If you don’t change fast enough than you fail and I couldn’t. I tried but I didn’t change fast enough.
There are different worlds between classes, and we may all speak English but there is no real understanding. No understanding of having no liquor to drink, no razors to cut with, not able to afford a bulimia cycle, but needing something, anything to help you get past the sick feeling, so you buy furniture. It’s nice furniture, middle class furniture, furniture you aren’t embarrassed about if friends and family come over, furniture that creates a peaceful uncluttered atmosphere in your home, but than starts a chain reaction because school doesn’t work out and now you have no extra income from grants. One would say ”well develop better habits”, which sure…they were developed, just too late. The love of reading, love of writing, love of drawing, working out, video games, meditation, the addictions released them too late, because you don’t just stop drinking and purging and all of a sudden your cured and love everything again. It’s a constant battle with yourself for the longest time because you are your own worst enemy, one side of you wants to move forward and another side only knows survival.
The cigarettes numb the hunger, the cutting numbs the pain, the liquor numbs reality, the binging makes you feel alive, and the purging makes you feel in control.
A fucking vicious cycle too many know, and maybe if your extra crazy, you can see a small glimmer of hope, just enough to keep off the hard shit. You think if you could only be worth something it would all get better. Garbage is never worth anything though. You can recycle and make it into something else but eventually it will end up in a landfill again. I wish I had some good advice for people who are working their way out.
Write your darkest feelings in a book and keep it to yourself (yes, I do not tell you readers everything of my mind, no good can come from that for either of us), but everyone needs their secrets. It does not have to be dark either, it can be the corniest shit, personal humor, love, sex, pain, secrets are good and writing is therapeutic.
Obviously I am not doing well at all, I am trying. Honestly Kaivas (psychic) words are really the only thing keeping me alive right now, mainly because she said I wasn’t going to die anytime soon. I saw her the other day, I kinda wanted to tell her that her advice sucked but maybe she could sense something that I can’t, who knows.
I have noticed my eating habits are making up for my shitty emotions, so lots of binging (no purging, can’t afford that cycle), eating like crap, drinking sugary drinks, you know, all that wonderful shit that society has taught us will make us feel better. Needless to say I am pretty bloated today, also swollen eyes from crying, so I just look like shit.
I’ve looked worst though, when I gave my daughter up I ate Chinese after and than cried hard for days, so….pretty much looked like a fat toad for awhile LOL.
Anyways, to the point, I will attempt a 7 day water fast. Well, sorta, still need my tea and I will donate plasma on Thursday and Saturday, so I think I will try to have my zero carb Isopure protein shake those mornings, wont spike blood sugar. There are many good benefits to a fast, mentally I think I need to feel in control of something. But I am eating when I know theres no way I am hungry even though my tummy is growling, I am getting too addicted to junk food and processed food. And the binging might not be leading to purging but its still leading to something else I would rather not talk about. Cannot really afford to eat much anyways so why not make it my choice to be hungry lol. Anyways, I plan to write about what I am feeling every time I am hungry, obviously there is a huge connection between my eating habits and emotional state. Maybe the depression will ease up a little too since sugar can negatively impact the mood. Realistically I don’t expect the depression to ease up till something good happens in terms of work, if it does.
That’s really all I have folks, there is major attempt to show some optimism, sorry guys, wish I could do better but I really can’t right now. It’s a sunny day here, I hate the sun. Bailey will need to go for a walk and I have some palo santo wood tea that has been brewing for a good half hour, its probably cool now, but I need all the positive energy and internal cleansing I can get right now. Have a good day peeps. Be better to yourselves than I am to myself.