“Sometimes I can soak up information like a sponge, other times I can barely comprehend my own name.”
The hardest part of having a mental illness is when I know and feel all my imbalances. My negative emotions are the tell-tale sign of childhood trauma. I love and have the sexual desires of someone my age, however when it comes to dealing with negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, and fear, they are a lot harder to control. I can break down hard when grieving and depressed, but I also have a strong will to survive. I can feel when I have a depression sinking in and know it will pass so I wait it out. I cower in a fetal position when scared, such as a child would. I have also been able to switch my mood to fearless in times of being scared also. I can feel when a numbness is close if my feelings get too strong, and if they do, I can choose to let the numbing sink in. Is being so self-aware an abnormality in itself?
A drunk man startled me when I was taking Bailey for a walk during lunch yesterday. He was barely able to walk straight, and his face was fairly bruised up. He reached out for me, I am not sure he tried to grab me or was about to topple over, he had very slurred speech, either way, I did not like it. After I told him to go away a lady taking her baby for a walk came by and he started bothering her, she tried to go around him and then a lady who was jogging by yelled at him to go away otherwise she would be calling the cops. He stumbled to the apartment complex next to mine, I have shitty neighbors. I think she did end up calling the cops because as I was leaving to go back to work, I saw two cops going in the direction of the apartments. This really bothered me yesterday but then I have to wonder did it really bother me because I was in any danger or because I have underlying fear of being hurt again, so any sense of danger I have my guard up? I hate where I live.
This morning I was woken up with my downstairs neighbors fighting at 6am. I saw the girl this evening and boy her face looked rough. Normally it is the neighbors across from me who fight. The day before yesterday there was a weird guy standing outside the door waiting for them to get home. My lease is up in May and I can move. That is quite a while, I am going to have to try to figure the safest ways to take Bailey out early in the morning before work and at night for his last potty time. I am thinking I will be coming over to my daughter’s home and her mom will walk with me. They live in a safe neighborhood. I do not often feel safe in my place, there are a lot more weirdos moving in. Oh well, what can happen that hasn’t been done before, right? I just have to wait till May.
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