I woke up very off this morning and a tad bit emotional but physically feeling pretty well. I cannot wait till daylight savings time so its lighter earlier. I do get uneasy being out alone in the dark. I do not like the dark in general actually…. but enjoy night time in some contradictory way. Normally I would get up earlier so I could take Bailey out for a walk, but since I work at 7 there’s less time to do that these days now that my window of sunlight is smaller. I could try to do it during work but once we are in our new building, I will not live next to work anymore so cannot just disappear for that amount of time.
I Have Got to Start Working on This Shit
I ate fairly well yesterday; I had a lot of salad and veggies plus some meats. This may sound a bit gross, but I already had a bowel movement today. For some reason my body has always been somewhat superhuman when it has come to recovering and being healthy. The last time I tried recovering from my eating disorder was back in January. I dealt with a lot of bad bloat for a week but than my body was digesting food normally afterwards. I was doing really well for like two months, I kept food down and was enjoying everything I was eating. I even had a pizza/beer video game day. My body processed it all fine.
What caused me to start purging again was I got so hungover that I threw up. Once I had that feeling of vomiting, my body was hooked again. I drank hard the night before that day, but I also took in a lot more alcohol than normal because I wasn’t throwing it up. I normally have always binged while drinking and then purged after. I have mentioned before about almost drinking myself to death after I left the post office. I had no sense of self and could not find a point to my existence. There were many mornings I would wake up shaking and not able to talk right, nonetheless keep my thoughts on track, I kept forgetting what I was saying mid-sentence. I would take Zofran to get me through the work day. I could feel my body literally shutting down sometimes. My tummy would hurt so bad that I could barely move, and I would have weird stiffness all over my body. I am not proud of those months, but I would never be where I am at now if I didn’t know what true hopelessness for myself felt like.
I know I am different these days, I am a lot stronger and have goals again. I have an ideal image of who I would like to be. Like I have said before, I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and now I need to work on this eating disorder. I am very busy these days, I know I drank a lot also out of boredom in the past. I just finished off a bottle of wine last night that I bought four days ago. Even on a light drinking day I would go through a bottle of wine easily. I just have no time, and honestly that is okay with me. I don’t feel like I need it, and some nights I don’t even want it, so I don’t. I almost feel normal, but I won’t let myself be fooled by that thought. I am not normal, but I am fairly self-intuitive.
My Mind is My Greatest Strength and my Greatest Weakness
I wish there were pictures of who I am today compared to five years ago. Five years ago, I was a major party whore who gave up on life. I feel bad for her now. It’s actually quite amazing when I think of how far I have come. If that girl were to see where she would end up, she honestly would not have believed it. I have learned to love from my daughter and her family as well as gained hope and inner strength. I have learned what real pride feels like from the post office and developed endurance and outer strength. There is nothing in my way right now to becoming who I want to be but myself.
Well, it is my Friday everyone, four-day weekend, WHOOO! I have a lot of reading to do for school but with a four-day weekend it will be no problem. My focus this weekend will be school, eating healthy, and relaxing. I do have laundry to do…Blah. I should do some fall cleaning now that I can open my windows. I think we are all going to the lake Saturday. Who knows what else this weekend will bring. Well, have a good day peeps.