I hate so much of myself these days guys. I see every bit of fat I have gained, I see nothing but an ugly useless native when I look in the mirror. I lost my job and am now jobless and might have to use welfare. I hate every single thing about myself. I keep trying to smile and be optimistic, hoping that something good will come along, but I have fucked up, and theres no room for fucking up when your on the bottom of the food chain. Theres no room for fucking up when you live paycheck to paycheck, and if you fuck up and try to enjoy just a little bit of life it will come back to fuck you if you go over budget by a few dollars. I hate this system, I hate this world, I hate this life, there is no such thing as a fucking American dream. I hate the sun. I have fucked myself. I am in a very dark place, and I have been getting worst and worst by day, I just keep thinking if I can smile than maybe it will go away and I can make it, but I do not think I will. I am going to be homeless again, I am going to be on welfare. I am going to be garbage. Maybe I always have been and I just wanted more for myself. What I have learned most about being in this fucking city is I need to start thinking lower of myself, I am not worth more. I tried but I am not. I am not smart, I am not worth anything, I am nothing but a stupid fat ugly lardass pig as a man once ago made me repeat so many times. I wanted more for myself, I thought if I reached the other side than I would make it, I thought stopping all the bad coping mechanisms would help me make it, I thought I deserved to make it. Guess not, can’t wipe the garbage off the face. I am another trashy native who will soon live off welfare. Why even try anymore.
“I hurt myself today to see if I still feel…” but what if you don’t?
I’m fucking garbage