Day 40- Gotta Keep On Fighting

I love hard and intensely. When I feel my heart is threatened, I build up walls to avoid the pain that has always come from feeling anything at all. I am afraid of being left behind but prepare for it by pushing away, so I never have to worry about it happening.

Oh Life, How You PISS ME OFF sometimes…

My car decided to take a shit on me and have its engine overheat. I am not really sure what is going on with it except maybe the radiator. It only has roughly 43k miles, so not overly old. I have noticed it having a hard time shifting gears lately, it’s as if I need to step on the gas harder to make it shift higher. Also, when I press on the gas harder, I get a weird moisture through the A/C at me. I have also noticed a chemically smell. So, I am really hoping it’s no more than a $500 fix. I will probably not be able to get the engine looked at till I receive my disbursement on the 5th for college. Until than I suppose I will just stay in my own neighborhood for the time being and ask for rides. Luckily my bank, work, apartment, and grocery store are all within the same block, even my dentist. My daughter and her parents live a few neighborhoods over so it wouldn’t be much for them to pick me up to visit.
I have had a migraine the past couple days. I left work around a little early yesterday because my back hurt and my head ached so bad. I finished all the work I was supposed to do, and we had nothing to package so it was all good. My paycheck will suck a bit, but it will be made up with the disbursement. After I returned home, I literally slept all day. I had very vivid dreams as well. My migraine shifted from being just on the right side of my head to a pressure deep in the back of my head last night, today it is in the front of my head. I do not experience migraines much, I am hoping it has just come from the stress and excitement the past few weeks. I know being back in school is the right choice for me, it’s just been a rough week.
Bailey is doing a lot better, but we missed his buddy get together this week because of his paw. He can walk fine on it but if he bumps it the wrong way, he yelps so I am sure it’s still tender. I didn’t want him to get to rough housing too hard and end up causing damage. He has been very cuddly and needy. Mr. Cooper is being the same old trouble maker he is, he decided to break down a tower on the cat tree. He was running and smacked into one of the towers and down it fell. It was pretty comedic actually, like a cartoon. Well, the glue on that is drying now. Fat Louie is the same old cuddly soft kitty who loves to eat and snuggle. He also has the worst smelling huge shits. Pip is on the end of his life; I think he will only survive a couple more days. He has lived about two years I suppose and for a betta that is fairly average.

I am trying my best not to succumb to the depression. It would be nice if my head didn’t hurt so bad so I could concentrate on studying. I wish I was rich; I feel a lot of the problems in my life could be fixed by money. The problems in my life that can’t be fixed by money would be easier to handle because big picture wise I would have fewer problems to deal with. Well, I will never be rich, so I guess I’d just better keep moving and wait for whatever else life throws at me.

I keep those I love close and the amount of people small. I do not like people getting involved in my life. I am happy with having my daughter and her parents as whom I need in life. I do not let myself feel often for anyone because anytime I have its ended with a mental breakdown. One of my favorite memories is when my daughter was still fairly new, and I went to visit her and her parents since I still lived a couple hours away at the time. She was sleeping on her bopper and the four of us were in front of the fireplace with her in the center of me and her parents, we were like a triangle around her and each had our hand on her. Memories and emotions are worth more than money can ever buy.

I am doing my best at handling what life tries to stress me out with while keeping up with school work…luckily, it’s only the first week so there is room to improve if I screw up on something due to life having shitty circumstances. I am just trying to breathe while keeping the depression at bay…. it’s hard with this migraine. At least its Friday. Have a good day my peeps.

Picture1

Back when I thought I was really fat, I should mention this was winter and I was triple layered to go deliver mail in -30 windchills….and those pants were still baggy. Hip bones, knees, and rib cage were always bruised. Anyways, this part wasn’t really in the book, intended to be but couldn’t add pictures.


Published by unbreakablekitten

Headed East towards the horizon

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