Another restless night. I suppose I should be happy though, 6 hours and 58 minutes of sleep and 70% sleep quality. Still only a 14% REM cycle and it happened pretty much all at once towards the end of my sleep rather than a cycle. I think I will be buying some melatonin. We all know I hate melatonin because I get too dependent on it and cant sleep unless I take higher dosages but if I am barely sleeping anyways, why not? Maybe I will just start out hard and than slowly wean off it. Maybe my mind just needs to get its melatonin back on track. Its that or taking my dogs trazodone. I should also mention I was in bed for a good three hours before I was actually able to fall asleep. Luckily I did not have any nightmare or fucked up visions, I thank my crystals for that. I haven’t been sleeping with them but made sure to sleep with my rose and clear quartz. Still though, I need sleep, well..REM at least.
Ive been the other woman, I’ve mentioned this before. I am not sure the fulfillment I wanted to get when I think back now, honestly it was probably just love. There was a time I craved it I suppose, before I despised it. I think there is a common misconception that the mistress is always a whore out to ruin marriages, that gives a lot of credit to someone who is just lonely and messed up. When they are strangers there is no guilt, only fantasy, except fantasy can’t last forever and there is the whole blocking and acting like nothing ever happened. Its just the end of a game I guess then. When there is guilt though, when its someone you care about, I think thats a new world of pain, especially when guilt and love were never something experienced together. I could probably even narrow that down to guilt and love neither ever being experienced. I know some readers have probably experienced that or known someone, no one likes to be the other one but cheaters have to cheat with someone and theres a fair amount out there. I think a fair amount of us can say we have been cheated on. Another good amount can say they have fantasized about being with someone too to the point it didn’t matter if they were married or not, if its a fantasy then its not real and doesn’t hurt anyone. It can be a very thin line to cross though. Maybe some readers can openly admit they slept with someone’s significant other. Someone is always hurt in the end though, and when its strangers the doors are easily closed. When it’s not, when theres still love, guilt shuts the door on the heart permanently because when you look in the mirror, you are the monster. A monster who keeps herself silent and lets the hate build up, because that is what a monster is, hate and everything bad.