Unbreakable Kitten

Juxtaposition, Contradictory, Dichotomy

Insomnia Is Still Here

Insomnia is a bitch, but is it still insomnia when you can sleep for 12 hours but wake up 6 times and never hit more than 10 percent rem a night? I’m sure it is actually, I just don’t have my psychology books to confirm it.

I activated my free trial for my sleep app on my watch and I haven’t had a decent nights sleep since Feb 2, and that was still only 78% and 14% REM. There were a few days the beginning of January I was getting mega doses of REM cycles, honestly probably too much because it was up in the 30s. I was achieving it within minutes of falling asleep. My sleep has never been absolutely great in pattern but it has never been this terrible either. When I look at Januarys sleep patters I see mega doses of REM in no real pattern of the course of the first few weeks. Towards the end and middle of February I see myself having a harder time achieving a healthy dose but some nights are still there to give me good nights sleep, just also waking up once or twice. The past two weeks  I see myself waking up numerous times a night and staying awake for and hour or so in between and the average REM being probably 7%. While I was sick I managed to get the percentage up to 12% but I also almost slept two days straight.

Nothing has overly changed in my life that could cause such a drastic change. Sure I changed my diet habits but in theory that should have helped my sleeping because its minimally processed foods. I even cut down my caffeine intake my switching to tea. The past few days I have been drinking coffee I guess which I should buy some more tea and get back to that. Just when you aren’t sleeping well the more caffeine the better. Last night around 8 I could barely keep my eyes open so I took some NyQuil and went to bed. I see the worst images when I close my eyes, its nothing I am afraid of though. Its just pure gore and nightmarish. What really stands out is the flutters though. Even when I am trying to keep myself from thinking of anything so I don’t see the images I just see flutters. The best way I can describe it is kind of stupid but remember on Harry Potter when they had the keys fluttering in the air and they had to find the right key or something? No idea what book, I haven’t watched those movies since I was a teen probably. That fluttering though, but its not keys, its just like black lines. I will hear a ringing but than I can turn it off so I know its just my mind being overactive. I can’t think of anything good before I go to sleep to calm myself because than I see the worst possible things happening. I know fully well these are side effects of not sleeping well. When I was a kid if I let myself get overtired I would have terrible nightmares, I am sure we all have. I feel real and everything so there’s no sort of psychosis happening. I could see anxiety and paranoia starting though. Although usually you would think that would start when I am already seeing bad shit while falling sleep but its not scary to me. I thought my headache was from being sick but I remember the last couple weeks taking more pain reliever for headaches. I attributed it to dehydration since I was working out and than being sick. Its like a migraine though and in the back of my head, primarily on my right. My mind is not foggy, I feel real, I don’t feel anxious or jittery, I am still functioning and doing things, so I don’t know, maybe its just another minor insomnia things.

I do still feel like it is stress related, after all I still haven’t found a second job. It’s going to be fun dealing with my loan officer and landlord about my bills being mega late, but oh well, I had to pay off other big bills and get caught up on other bills. I have cleansed my apartment and I feel fully safe in it and very calm actually. There is nothing bad here. I suppose it could be long terms effects of the IUD removal too, I mean after that is when I had those huge REM cycles and maybe my mind just never got back into sync because of life stressors. That is the most logical answer really.

So even though I am dealing with insomnia I am still functioning fine other than being very sick for a few days. I still have the tiny symptoms of a common cold, and those aren’t even bad, mainly just a runny nose occasionally. I have my voice back for the most part I think, at least when I talk to Bailey I do.

I went to Fergus Falls yesterday and took a few decent pictures. I think to fully appreciate the beauty of the asylum you would actually need to go there. Pictures only do so much.

For example, when you are going there you drive up on a road full of trees that eventually begins to turn and than you see the white wings and the tall steeple of the main building coming up, its so movie like. It only three stories high for the wings but when you are standing outside it looking up its huge. The designs are so detailed on it too. I hope to get better pictures in spring so I can get closer up. when you are walking in the back and see the curvature of the building you can really appreciate the grand scale of the building. Maybe I would be able to get a hold of someone to get a tour also. Im pretty sure many of the tunnels have been filled in by now. I did not feel uneasy or anything being there, quite the opposite really. I think its a common area for people to take walks. I saw a lady park and take her dog for a walk in what I was assume was the cemetery in the distance but I am not sure. Much of the  buildings built on the left of the wing became government buildings it looked like and I saw an electric company too. I feel like there should be an information sign somewhere but there was so much snow I couldn’t access many of the paths. Next time I go I will take pictures of some of the old Victorian homes there. They have a few windmills on the hills too there which are gorgeous when the trees are full bloom. I think making the wings into assisted living would be really good for the area since its an aging community (like everywhere else) and it could bring many jobs in. On the left wing there was  a huge window that took up all three floors that I am assuming was a common area at one point. I imagine it to have been a beautiful room since it faced the sun.


My eating is still vegetarian and I think my tummy is finally getting used to it. Word of caution when switching over to a vegetarian or I’m sure vegan lifestyle too, the body does not always take it well. This includes runs, bloating, gas, irregularity, and all the pain that comes with it. It was a good few weeks of that but my tummy feels great now. I did eat a vegetarian pizza last night from dominos and ate cheese….which I am waiting for my tummy to hate me for. I am not trying to cut out dairy for political beliefs, just because lactose kills my tummy sometimes. But when you have barely eaten anything for like 3-4 days and your throat stops hurting to where you can eat, pizza sounds amazing and it was. I went to bed right after that. Other than that, I am still very happy with cutting meat from my diet. I do need to buy some more tea today so I am not having so much caffeine. I will have to find some recipes to meal prep for this coming week. In terms of bulimia and whatever that I am sure some readers probably wonder about, still nothing. There was that overeating session last week or the week before but its over and done with.


I plan to work out tomorrow, I will try not to overdo it since I know my body is still recovering. Maybe if I work out hard though and than work I will be exhausted and ready to sleep when I get home. I can only dream….literally…I want to dream…and not fucked up dreams…


Nonexistent, although maybe I have suffered from insomnia more than I thought and just drank it away.

My coffee is gone so I should probably get ready for the day. Have a good day everyone. I will upload my next day for my book later, Bailey is needing to go out. Be good to yourselves 🙂

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About Me

An English diarist and naval administrator. I served as administrator of the Royal Navy and Member of Parliament. I had no maritime experience, but I rose to be the Chief Secretary to the Admiralty under both King Charles II and King James II through patronage, diligence, and my talent for administration.

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