I wonder how illogical I really am. I have good reason to be fear the things that I do. Psychologically, I am pretty normal with my history but just because my fears are normal does not make them logical.
An interesting realization happened yesterday. I was talking with my daughter’s mom about the man who molested me repeatedly as a child and decided to look him up. I have done this a few times in the past, not really out of any particular reason other than curiosity. The only thing I have ever been really able to find was that he was convicted of molestation about a year after I moved from that village. What came from the conviction, I don’t know, because I recall hearing about him doing fine in the village when one of his sons shot himself a few years back. I wanted my daughter’s mom to have a mental image of him since I do often talk to her about my childhood, so I found his mugshot from his arrest way back when, one where he is creepily smiling. I should explain that I have always had a childish mental picture of him. I am always looking up at him and him being so much bigger than me. It has never really occurred to me to put this image in real time. Well anyways, she pointed out she thought he would be bigger, and I didn’t understand, and she said “well, he’s only 5’4″.” Of all the times I’ve looked him up and have had flashbacks I have not once thought about his size and I am 5’3″, which means I would not be looking up at him anymore. I would pretty much be eye to eye with him and if I’m wearing shoes, I would be even taller. After 26 years he is now very small in my head. Every image I thought of last night had me measuring up to him and I had no anxiety. It’s been 26-27 years since everything had started and he would be 59 years old now. I have always seen him as this big scary guy but now he’s just a pitiful small old man. Last night the immortal became mortal.
I hate animal abuse. I have seen much animal abuse during my lifetime. When I was around three or four, I remember some older kids burning their cigarettes on a yellow lab. He had previous burn marks all over him, I doubt he lived much longer. I told them I was going to tell my dad and they were going to get into trouble, and they laughed. So, I told my dad and he went and talked to the kids. I do not know what was said but I know when I asked him what happened he said that’s just the way things were. My small mind could not comprehend what happened, but I know now that’s when another innocent view I had of the world was broken. Most of my trauma comes from that first small village we lived in. My parents fought a lot there and were very close to getting a divorce. They separated for a while and I remember being sat down and asked who I wanted to live with. (If you have kids and are getting a divorce, DO NOT fucking ask your 3-4-year-old kid this! BE THE ADULT!) Well, I didn’t know what was going on really and asked where my brothers were staying and said I would stay with who had fewer kids so it would be fair. (Logical kid, right?) I am pretty sure I stayed with my dad, but I cannot remember because I recall my mom got upset about something and I ended up back with her. Specifics are a little blurry since there were a lot of other things going on as well. Anyway, to the point, I remember a little nest with three little blue eggs inside built onto a fence underneath the housing. I mentioned previously everything was built high above ground. Well, a couple of older girls showed me this nest and talked about how the eggs would become babies. They left and I knocked down the nest and stomped on the eggs. I did not know why I did that when I did, now I understand it was a sign of the emotional distress I was feeling. Kids do not communicate well by talking but by actions instead. I still feel bad for that even today.
I feel okay today. I am doing my best at keeping food down but feel disgusting still. The only reason I am able to do this is because I am eating meats and veggies. I REALLY hope to hear from the college today. When I was blogging yesterday morning, I didn’t actually realize how close school was till I looked at my calendar, causing me to feel a shot of anxiety, in turn causing my emotions to become off balance. I dealt with an almost panic attack for a good hour. I have given examples of how my mind works when anxious so that was mixed in with depression as well from feeling no hope for my future since my high school transcript hasn’t been received yet. My daughter’s mom talked me through it the best she could. My anxiety doesn’t last as long now since I don’t continuously hide it. I am not as tense as I used to be when I kept all my emotions inside. They are a bit dramatic when being expressed but I get over them faster so that is a plus. If my blog yesterday seemed cut short that is why. Today should be a fun day at work (not) but I will do my best and try not to get too annoyed. I am ready for the weekend. Well Happy Monday everyone, and as always, be good to yourself.