The older I get the more afraid I become. When I was as younger, I was very carefree. I always said what else could happen to me that hasn’t happened before except being dead and if that happened, it would have been very welcomed. I do not want any abuse to happen again however, it hurts. I get anxious a lot because I see potential danger all over. There have been times I’ve told myself I’m just being illogical and paranoid but then I will get catcalled when going to the store and have disgusting men lick their lips at me. It really sucks to be a native female.
I hate everything about myself today and feel inferior to everyone around me. Everything feels like a lie lately. I have allowed the world in and feel judged by those closest to me. I suppose it could be a side effect of being so anxious lately. I have been doing my best to keep my thoughts steady and my emotions stable. It’s exhausting really. I want to have everything work out. I feel so unprepared for bad things that can happen. Days like this I want to hide underneath my blankets with my dog and cats. No wonder I feel so stupid to everyone.
I am still waiting for the decision from college. Today will be all about getting through the day without telling off my work partner. She is very hard to deal with some days and has been known to lead others to quit. I can handle her fairly easy most of the time but there are days I do express my irritability. I am really hoping today isn’t one. Also, I think she may be bipolar, even if she isn’t, at least thinking that helps me put up with her.
I have been having nightmares lately and familiar dreams. There are dreams that I know I have been in before. If it’s not the same location, it’s the same world anyway. I have vivid dreams where I have all my senses. I can smell, feel temperature and pain, think and make decisions, some of them are very beautiful while others can be equally terrifying. I have read there could be a connection between dreams and dementia. I suppose this could also be a side effect of the brain damage caused by enough trauma. That is just a theory though.
Not every day can be a good or hopeful day. I’m sorry I cannot express more optimism today. Maybe if I hear back more from the college and can breathe the day will get better. I am just doing a shitty job at keeping my anxiety in check. I hope everyone has a good day.
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