My ten-year high school reunion was this weekend, I didn’t go of course. I do not miss adolescence. I find it weird when people say they wish they were kids again or to be back in high school because life was easier. I hated my life growing up and could not wait to be on my own. People say to enjoy your adolescence and innocence, or you will regret it, but considering I have never had that its always been irrelevant and silly to me. I never had a childhood worth missing. The whole “good old days” I have always found to be privileged bullshit. My childhood was not near as bad as others and I was at least able to leave. I have always told people I grew up in two different worlds. I was naïve to the fact that abuse happened everywhere and thought it was centered around only the villages. I now know it is all over and surrounds more so around poor communities. What is worse is I see more communities becoming poorer. I know it gets worst in other states with higher poverty rates none the less other countries. I have also noticed people turn a blind eye and the only time they somewhat acknowledge abuse exists is when a news article comes out. They give their astonishment and “prayers” on Facebook but then go on with their normal lives. An owner of a popular carwash where I live was sent to jail for trying to fuck a minor. He bought his way out and served only a day in jail if I remember correctly. Even though he made headlines for being a pedophile, people still go to his gas stations when there are dozens more to choose from that are also cheaper. To me, these people who know what kind of man he is and still continue to support his business are just as sick as he is or just plain fucking stupid.
I hope to hear back from the college today. I am hopeful I will get in, but I am also preparing for the possible mania breakdown that will happen if I do not. I should give a bit more of a back story with my college downward spiral.
So, I mentioned going to college because that’s what was expected of me. After high school I had the whole panic attack and went to live with my parents in Wyoming while my dad was on the rigs. We eventually made our way to the bakken in North Dakota, because that’s where the oil was booming. I took the fall off from school but then went spring semester to college on campus. It only went okay because of my anxiety but I was at least passing my classes. I then met a loser guy who was interested in me, so I of course dated him. The first time he tried to hit me I broke up with him, only he didn’t like that, so he did as any asshole guy would do with a hurt ego and raped me. Like I have mentioned before, I am the perfect statistic. I would like to mention that after that happened, he was arrested for unlawful procession of certain materials and has spent the past decade in prison as well as having to register as a sex offender, so there was indirect justice. Anyway, I dropped out of all the classes that I could and took C’s and D’s in the remainder. My mom made it clear her opinion was that everything was my fault. I decided to do online classes the next semester in fall and had all A’s. I recall telling my parents I made the presidents list but hey, my sister always had straight A’s so why should mine matter? Well by the spring semester my mind was doing the whole mania thing and I was in a very hard depression, so I changed degrees from psychology to economics and onto history. I was very back and forth and indecisive. It also didn’t help that my parents said the only way I could live with them was by going to college. In the end I dropped out and moved away to one of the bigger towns in North Dakota. Every town is called a city in this state, but Fargo may be the only town that comes close to being considered a dinky city. Well, I found work and was doing well when a couple years later I started dating a guy. He was not mean at first and honestly could still be very nice after being abusive later on. I broke up with him after a couple weeks of initially dating because I found him to be the biggest loser, but he told me how much he loved me and started crying. I felt bad and took him back and he also gave me whatever I wanted. The whole relationship was toxic from the beginning. I was working overnights at the post office when I met him, he didn’t like that, so I quit. He wanted to be the main provider. I won’t go too much into detail about him, but I tried going back to college later on in our relationship. We would break up a lot and obviously there was physical abuse, the cops were called a lot, so lo and behold, college didn’t work out. I didn’t withdraw from classes and let them fail causing my GPA to become a 1.9. So here I am, five years later, realizing how stupid I was and all because I could never accept my past and carried around so much desperation to feel loved and a sense of belonging. I am now in the best place I have ever been my whole life, mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically. I have been given many chances in life and have failed tenfold. So now I just have to hope for the best.
I feel good about this week still in terms of the b/p. I am a week away from the month line mark of being sober. I still do not plan to quit drinking for good. I do not feel a need to have it however. I feel pretty good mentally today and focused. I am bloated from b/p this weekend but as always, more water. I had two pieces of bacon with a couple scrambled eggs for breakfast, and of course coffee. I will be as good to myself as possible today. Happy Monday everyone (p.s. I hate Mondays).