I feel like every move I make needs to be calculated, as if the smallest mistake can bring down any sort of progress I have made. I have only been able to obtain so much of a good thing before I ruin it. The saying two steps forward one step back has always been more two steps forward three steps back and maybe a few weird hiccups where I actually am able to walk a bit further, but then end up falling off a cliff because I am not watching where I am going.
I can feel when I have a manic episode creeping in and do my best to bring myself to reality without getting depressed. A good example is when I went to see Mama Mia 2 the other day, I felt this weird sense of greatness and indestructibility. I had this feeling that I could just pack up and travel and be famous and rich. I get such a high when I feel this way. Then I thought of my dog and felt resentment and stupidity for getting a dog and cats when I could have had all the freedom in the world. I thought about how my voice is not that great anymore because of b/p and I cannot dance well because of the arthritis. I started feeling ugly and old and started pointing out all the disgusting qualities I see about myself. I could feel my mood drastically falling into a hard depression, all this happened within probably 20 minutes. I ended up calming myself by thinking of what all I could do well and reassured myself that I will be going to college so I can feel worth something. Moments like these leave me exhausted.
I have always been a pessimist realist. I think that’s because whenever I have been optimistic or goal oriented, it has normally been a side effect of mania.
I have been misunderstood for as far back as I can remember…so a year old? (normal for kids when they cannot talk yet) I am not as stupid as everyone has always assumed me to be. I have made a lot of mistakes, but as I have mentioned before, many of my mistakes have been from not accepting my childhood and feeling that false need to fit in somewhere. Unfortunately, some people will only see the worst. I talked to my dad to tell him about trying college again, his first response was to say I better continue to pay them back since I owe them money from the past. I have never gotten any sort of mental or emotional support from my parents, unless of course in involved therapy or pills. It sucked when I was excited about something as a kid and could not contain all my emotions (because honestly if I did, I would probably be screaming and telling my parents everything that was happening) and my mom’s response was always asking if I took my meds. I know because of this I ended up feeling all emotions were bad to express and that even feeling happy was wrong. I normally did take my meds even though they kept me in a hard fog or made me feel so sick I would vomit.
As a kid I wanted to be an astronaut for the longest time, my dad’s response was I wasn’t good at math. Ironically, I love math now. I than wanted to be a gymnast, as does every girl who watches the Olympics. I was told they trained from a very young age and I was too old (I was eight, not saying this wasn’t true but let a kid dream). I wanted to be a singer and artist at one point because I used to be really good at the art scene, but I just had to be reminded of starving artists. This would not have been so bad if I didn’t continuously hear how smart and beautiful my sister was and how she could do anything she wanted. My artistic talent is long gone now. I honestly do not know what I am good at except probably opening my legs, because hey, we all know I have been taught well in that area.
So here I am, 28 years old and still as fucked up as ever inside my head and still very misunderstood and lonely. This is not a broken mind I wish on anyone. I have read studies that show trauma can cause brain damage. If it has for me, I also question how much damage was caused by giving me pill after pill growing up. I have had tests done in my adulthood where there are no signs of ADHD or ADD. I also doubt many of the pills were as regulated back than as they are now. I will not take medication again because of this. I barely take OTC pain relievers. I have been on a few antidepressants in my adulthood They temporarily helped but holy shit if the mania hit, it hit hard. I am not saying that people cannot benefit from medication, after all my dad has. He is a Vietnam veteran who has always suffered tremendously with PTSD and the agent orange side effects are rapidly becoming worse which have been mentally just as hard on him. I never saw him smile growing up. In the past five years he has gotten a lot of therapy and that, combined with the pills they prescribed him, mean that I see him laugh a lot these days. There is a lot of research happening with trauma from war and a lot of progress being made. Studies of childhood trauma, I feel, still have a long way to go. We are all products of the past. I understand why I am the way I am.
I still feel sore from running but I went on a nice walk this morning with Bailey. I do not feel too bloated even though I did b/p yesterday, it was fairly minor, though. I slept throughout the night, but I still feel tired. I have been forgetting to take my vitamins, so I need to keep on that. I brush my teeth twice a day and floss every night. They feel pretty good these days. I have my root canal scheduled for September 6th, even though that tooth does not bother me too badly if I do not eat on that side. The dentist did say once it starts hurting it will hurt bad so that is why I need to have that one done first…I will take his word.
I am okay, just waiting for everything to hopefully work out with school. I want to be excited, but I do not want to get my hopes up either. I am trying to be nice to myself internally. I just need to keep myself focused on the moment.
Tonight is Baileys meet-up with his buddies. I have yet to go to one of the get togethers for adults on Thursdays, I may end up going tomorrow. If I go depends on how the day goes and how I feel after talking with the guidance counselor tomorrow at lunch. I called NDSU and then NDSCS to tell them about my college situation so will go in and talk directly with someone, I prefer face to face anyways. I am hopeful it will all work out. Today is going to be a really sucky day work wise. I honestly am not sure how I have made it this far without a drink.
Have a good day, the week is halfway over and as always, be good to yourself.