I have been asked to write more about how I feel in the moment rather than always the past. Presently I feel like a bipolar mother fucking queen of a land of bitches whom I have destroyed because they pissed me off by being bitches….
The Extremes of My Mind
I saw a picture of ferrets for sale, thought “aww they are so cute!” Then I thought about someone buying them and letting them go free thus causing them to become roadkill. That make me think about a statistic I read about owners not being in the room when they put their dogs down and the pups last memories are frantically looking around for their owners and dying alone, thus in turn made me think about my daughters parents dying and my daughter being afraid which caused me anxiety.
Work has been very stressful lately. The real world is a game I can never figure out. The post office was a game I knew how to play. In this job I feel like I can be fired at any time since I live in a right to work state. I feel like I am screaming inside most days and just need a break from this area. I am very surprised I was able to stay sober last week nonetheless yesterday. I am not sure why I am even trying to. I have always had physical jobs, now I have a job that is all mental. Most days I am ready to leave with all the bullshit that is going on but its honestly the best I can find around here that will work well with going back to school. If I didn’t have that going for me than I probably would be looking elsewhere or a different department, but we are growing so rapidly there is shit in every area right now. I at least know with where I am at, I can always get off on time for evening classes if need be.
My body aches from my run yesterday, it is a good pain though. I am eating meats and veggies. I purged once yesterday, so pretty good, right? I am trying to down a lot of salads and fresh veggies to get my digestive system going. I have not been sleeping well at all.
I am exhausted and see very little point to even try at anything right now. This job is really taking a lot out of me right now. I feel so off balance lately.
There is really no point at all to this blog. I was asked to write about what I feel so I did. When I say I am all over the place that’s exactly what goes on inside, there is no cause or point. There is no satisfaction, only breathing. I am existing with exhaustion and extremes and very little sense.