I have had nightmares and vivid dreams for as long as I can remember. When I was a year old, we lived in a little house in Anchorage. I recall dreaming about blood in a bathtub underneath the house in a shelter area. I was never allowed down there but when I asked my parents about it after I was grown, they did say that there was a bathtub but do not recall any dried blood. This house was in a pretty bad area so who knows what the past held. I had many dreams in that house that scared me, this was before we moved to the first village where the abuse from numerous guys happened. My long-term memory has always been just as vivid as my dreams. In that same house I tried picking a rose in a small garden in the back and hurt my hand. I remember going to my dad and holding out my hand but not being able to talk to tell him it hurt. He couldn’t see anything wrong and I was getting frustrated, so I took him out back and showed him the rose and he explained to me what thorns were. I caught a moth in the backyard with a birdie and tore his wings off, I still feel bad for that one. All my memories of that time are very white and florescent, even the dreams. I have really shitty short-term memory, however.
I am pretty set on Psychology for a degree if I go back to school. I have to pay back the college a bit more so will not be able to attend the fall semester. That is okay I guess, I am going to be skydiving August 17th if I don’t chicken out and its hopefully going to get busy at work, plus hockey season will be here before I know it.
I am feeling all over the place this morning, I did not sleep well at all. I did not have any of my night time tea, maybe I should have. I went for a run while walking Bailey today, it felt nice, but I am very out of shape. This weekend was a rough one for the b/p. I feel okay eating wise today. I will be as good as I can to myself. I am downing as much water as I can to get rid of all the bloat. I am starting to wonder how many booze hangovers I was feeling vs food hangovers. I am sure I felt both quite equally, but it is easier dealing with one then both. I am thinking the next step for recovery is about here and that is where I keep down all the food I eat.
I do not feel like I am saying much at all these days, I have a very foggy mind and numbing emotions. I am thinking that is my mind trying to repress memories rather than deal with them. I have a lot of small flashbacks that come out of nowhere. I will not fight them, but I will not force them either. I figure the best that can happen is I blog my recovery or the worst that can happen is I blog my downward spiral out of control, in turn hopefully causing people to understand the long-term damage evil assholes create. I am really hoping for the best and blogging seems to help. As always, be good to yourself, it’s a new week.