Unbreakable Kitten

The first time I purged was as typical as any other persons first self-vomiting. I did it because I needed to feel in control of the chaos surrounding my life. It was an exhilarating feeling. It was actually pretty hard to do and hurt a bit, but I felt a short lived high. It happened only a few times that summer of my brothers divorce, probably fewer than five, but I quickly found it to be a strange comfort.
My senior year was rough. All the friends I finally made at the end of the previous school year had nothing to do with me since they thought I had ditched them all summer, teenage girls don’t really think outside of their bubble and they wouldn’t listen to what all was happening. Once again, I started another school year shunned. I spent a lot of the time in the library until I made a couple new friends. One whom was really sweet, and another was regarded as the school slut…guess whom I became better “friends” with? She didn’t really have anything to do with me at school, that is when I would hang with the nice girl. However, the slutty girl always became my best friend when I had money and I would buy her things like the stupid naïve girl I was. She took advantage of the need I felt to fit in somewhere. I spent a lot of that year getting C’s or lower when I had previously been almost a straight A student. I slept through a lot of classes because I would be out all night. I don’t think my parents fully knew how to handle me since they hadn’t been involved in my life the past three years and my relationship had been fairly strained when I moved away initially. The part of that year that fully triggered my eating disorder was later in the second semester when the wonderful army recruiters came. I, like so many others, fell for the romance of war, so I went to join. I was not overly heavy by my senior year, roughly 155ish and I had joined body building classes for my gym electives, so I was fairly muscular. Unfortunately, I had boobs and hips and have always had a rectangular body shape, so I was declared too fat to join. Thus, my recruiters put me on a salad and broth diet and the good old Preparation H wrap. I would get weighed every other day in hopes that by the next MEPS session I could make it. I was still underage so had some time. Then came the wonderful diet pills because my body shape still wasn’t fitting the numbers, even though my ribs could easily be seen. As if getting weighed repeatedly and told I was too fat wasn’t enough for a young teen girl to deal with, one of the recruiters took a fancy to me and invited me over one night. It was actually my slutty friend who drove me. Of course, he slept with me as every asshole seems to have no problem doing. He was also the first one I slept with by choice. I left there happy and in love and the next day he told me he was engaged, and he couldn’t talk to me anymore. This happened around April and the rest of the school year I barely ate and exercised a lot. I kept taking the diet pills. I barely passed my senior year and missed over half the last month of school. How I never got into drugs at this point I don’t know; they were readily available with the people I was hanging out with. I think I still had hope I would join the army and fly away. When I finally reached the right measurements, I experienced my second full blown anxiety attack. I ended up running to Wyoming where my parents were since my dad had to work on the rigs (recession hit my parents hard, they were the lucky ones who had a house under Wells Fargo) and I never did join.

I feel decent today. I ate a low carb breakfast and went for a long walk with Bailey. I slept all night without any Sweet Dream’s tea. I have a busy day today which is good. I am going to the zoo with my daughters’ parents. I had my hair cut yesterday and I love it. Walmart Smart Style salons always have the best hair stylists, I think. I am being good to myself today. I do not have much time left to write but I wanted to give another piece of my past to my followers. It is not much but it’s a shard of my broken mirror. Happy Saturday, as always be good to yourself.