I almost forgot how bad a full-blown anxiety attack can feel and last night was not the worst one I’ve ever felt either. I am still happy my daughter’s mom came over to hold me through the worst of it. I do not remember all of it except the pain and coldness. My first attack happened a little before my 17th birthday, when my brother and his wife were going through their divorce. My soon to be ex-sister-in-law kicked me out. I ended up crashing at my brother’s new apartment for a few weeks. I remember watching the X-Files, as I had done so many times before, it was one of my favorite series at the time. Out of nowhere I was overcome with dread and paranoia. Thoughts of my family dying and the world ending raced through my head. I sat in the bathroom and cried for hours. I couldn’t breathe. That lasted almost three days beginning to end. I’ve had them occasionally since then, normally when stressed. I haven’t dealt with any for a long while now. I think I drink them away. Maybe not away but to a point I don’t feel the full effects. Ironically this morning I woke up feeling pretty good emotionally and mentally. Physically wise I still feel the effects of the b/p. Thankfully its Friday.
I do not have much to say in this post. I am trying to take it easy on myself today. I am feeling normal again. I apologize for being in a really depressed state of mind, I need to do some self-exploring to pinpoint the trigger. Normally when I would feel anxiety creeping up, I would blame it on a heavy night of drinking, but I have been sober 12 days now. Ironically, my way of coping with anxiety is drinking more, makes sense, right?
It has been a very stressful week, that’s for sure (trigger?) but I feel like I can breathe again. I have the energy to call around places for martial arts, I think self-defense and exercise will do me well. I also think I will be getting my hair done, I do not really remember the last time I had my hair professionally colored. It will be good for me to pamper myself a little. So, I will end this on a hopeful and sweet note, I have energy back again and have the strength to kick the bad thoughts out. I will be good to myself today and this weekend, I want you to be too. You just need to breathe.