Something I wrote years ago, I am a lot happier now obviously lol. I think it was around the time I was in the hospital, honesty not sure.
These blank walls suffocate me. I stare out a barred window to a world outside that I’m denied by doctors. I yearn for the fresh air and sunlight on me, even if for a moment. It is an unrealistic thought; I am stuck in this ward with release being an unknown date.
Ironically, I am here by my own admittance.
If I leave death would be a certainty. I am a danger to myself and my mind is the most dangerous obstacle in my life.
The nurse has locked the bathroom again as lunch has just finished, unaware that I am far too calculating and sneaky. They think if they leave the door locked for an hour I cannot purge. Silly them.
My arms ache from slicing them with a boxcutter. A bittersweet feeling, because even if it’s pain, I know I can feel something. They will leave ugly scars and I am stupid for doing it, I know this even now, but hey, it was instant relief!
I look at my roommate’s bed, she is talking with the doctor presently. Her problems are worse than mine, but we are both fucked up. Pills bring the only happiness in this world.
I day-dream about a far-off desert where time does not exist. I see a setting sun in the distance. The air is still. The stars do not twinkle. I imagine I’m standing in a sense of eternity. I know there is a darkness behind me, but I am too afraid to look. I know my suicide attempt has damned me to hell, though I’m not sure hell exists. So, I stand with the non-existent time, for it has become my best friend.