I felt a bit of hopelessness when I heard Demi Lovato overdosed on heroin. It is sad to think that someone who has access to the top of the line treatment facilities and had been sober six years can still relapse. I can only imagine the emptiness and failure she felt with her first hangover after that length of time. I am sure she told herself it was just one time and she will be fine in the future. It is a lie we all tell ourselves. The last time I was doing well and relapsed, I told myself one purge will not hurt, it’s just to relieve some of the discomfort, it is helping me. I have always been the greatest trickster to myself. Since then it has been the same old roller coaster the past year.
I lost my sense of identity earlier this year. I am pretty sure I was trying to drink myself to the grave. There were days I could feel death near.
I have been to many therapists over the years. There was only one who managed to help me a little and she diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. We were on a good track, she had no problem telling me that I am the only one who could help myself or I would eventually die. I have always found therapists to sugar coat reality but she didn’t. One therapist was more of a friendly chat, I liked her, but a lot of times we would talk about movies or whatnot, nothing therapeutic. She was still nice though.
I have actually been told that the trauma that happened wasn’t real and that its very rare for the extent of abuse to happen. Funnily, if one were to look up the statistics of abuse in Alaskan villages it says otherwise. What makes those statistics worse is many of the children don’t speak up. I knew many classmates who had the same things going on but how can they speak against family members? Especially when the villages are thousands of miles away from any sort of first world civilization. And thus, why I know many kids who grew up to kill themselves. If they didn’t kill themselves, they definitely succumbed to substance abuse. There are very few who are doing well.
Somehow my teeth are actually pretty healthy. I told the dentist about the B/P, she said the wear on my teeth is not that bad. There is decay on the insides of my teeth so she gave me some prescription toothpaste that has five (?) times the amount of fluoride as a regular toothpaste and it will help replenish minerals on my teeth. I do have quite a few cavities; one will require a root canal which I will have done in September. That alone will max out my insurance for this year so than I will have the crown and other cavities fixed in January. There was little trace that I was an avid smoker for five years, I quit that a couple years ago. My gum lines tested really well. I am very lucky. I would often rinse after purging, I don’t know if that helped save my teeth. She said that she has seen real bad damage after just a year. It could be genetics as well; some people have stronger acidity in their saliva, so it cleans their mouths better.
I feel the same tiredness I normally feel when I wake up but as usual, I am sure once I have my tea, I will feel better. My mind is fairly clear today. It will be a busy day at work so that will help to keep my mind straight.
I have not been as good to myself as I deserve. I tell myself daily that will change, and it will, I just have to give myself time. I can’t expect to be healed in ten days, nor should I put that pressure on myself. And honestly, with the amount of self-destruction I have done, I am pretty content with how far I have come in just ten days. I have not developed any new destructive habits to replace the ones I am working on and that actually means a lot. I am keeping at least three nutritious meals down a day, so I know I am at least getting nutrients, as well as what comes from my vitamins. I would say the B/P is still around 10-15% of what it was. I just need to take one step at a time.
What I Am Doing for Myself
Today is Baileys date night with his friends so I am excited to take him to that. I have found a couple self-defense gyms near me so I will call on those today to see what best suites me. My main focus today will be keeping all my food down and to drink plenty of water. I would still like to read a bit tonight also. Yesterday I went on a cleaning spree with my apartment so it will be relaxing to slip into my robe with a candle while reading a Stephan King book.
I would like to add that if someone visits my blog for advice I would rather them see it as a guideline and not a set-in stone way of healing. I could fall at any time. Everyone needs their own confidence and strength.
And through the darkness it will creep up
Invading our happiness as we sleep
Only to wake up to the destruction
And the wish we could still be in our dreams
Goodbye to the familiar
Hello, the world we have created