A little girl, barely 3 years old now, sits and cowers behind a sofa. The man is using the bathroom. She knows what he will do for he has done it many times. He comes out and calls for her. She pretends to play hide and seek, maybe, just maybe, she can make him not want to. She laughs when he finds her, so he won’t be mad, after all, she is only playing a game. Regardless, he has found her, and the rest is as animals do. Something stands out this time while he is on her, a silver toy gun with an orange tip. She wishes for it to be real so she can kill him, she just wants him to stop, but he doesn’t and won’t, not for a long time, so away to her happy place she drifts. As always, he finishes and looks out the window waiting for his wife to get back from an errand. And as always, he tells her how angry her parents would be at her so into the corner she crawls.
I feel tired but that seems pretty standard to wake up feeling lately. I am thinking the B/P is the cause since I go to bed early and get plenty of sleep. I am sure after my tea I will feel better. I have my dentist appointment today. I am still not too excited for it, but it is the next self-care step I can take for myself. I have been brushing my teeth with a sensitive toothpaste and have been using ACT mouthwash. My teeth seem to be feeling a lot better.
I was not as good to myself as I was hoping. There is no satisfaction with the purging none the less binging. In fact, I can barely stand the taste of sugar at times nor the salty junk I binge on. It is all habit. I like fresh food. The eating disorder has been my worst and best friend for almost a decade. It hasn’t been until the past year things have changed. I have to break the ties with it.
I have no desire to drink nor to b/p. I am able to feel a flashback coming and can access it on my own terms. The way I see myself today could be better. After these flashbacks I sometimes see myself as untouchable and unlovable. Not because a warmth and caring touch wouldn’t be welcomed, but because I see myself as so ruined and disgusting. These thoughts are toxic, and I have to tell them they are wrong.
What I’m Doing for Myself
I will look around at different martial arts and self-defense schools today. It should be a steady day at work. I promise myself I will not b/p, there is no need to. I will eat fresh nutritious food and go for a nice walk with Bailey tonight.
I am sorry if I cause triggers to any readers with trauma. I see a lot of flash backs happening in the future. It is not just for my sake but hopefully to remind other parents there is evil out there. As always, be good to yourself today. Treat yourself to something positive for your mind and body.
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