I have always felt in the way and that nothing I do is right. The few times I have felt I’ve done something decent have always involved some sort of sacrifice of myself. As a kid if I was unable to figure something out it would frustrate my parents, in turn, I would break down crying. They did not understand why I did, and I know it caused them problems. I am not sure I fully understood at the time. I never did tell them that I was being abused. I was told to stay quiet otherwise my parents would be angry at me. No child wants to disappoint their parents. Because of this, I cannot stand when I hear a mother tell their child “just wait till daddy gets home,” or vice versa. It places an automatic fear against a parent. I have occasionally wondered if I had never been threatened with such a saying if I would have spoken up about what was happening to me. Alas, however, I just sat down and cried. Repercussions were worst, I could never sit still and was always anxious, so I was placed on meds for ADHD. Pill after pill after pill, nothing could work and what “worked” put me in such a cloudy haze and kept me from accessing my safe place. Back then doctors answers to everything involved a pill. Psychology was still in the beginning stages, relatively speaking, not as it is now where medication is a last resort. My parents never expected much of me; my little sister has always been considered the smart one. All I can do is shrug now because I know better because I can only change my parents mind so much. I often feel they are just waiting for me to fall again but I won’t.
It is sad to think that I was my daughters age when I was introduced to the evil of this world
There was a numbness I felt this morning; I often feel it creeping up when I think about my past. I had dreams last night but nothing too extreme. I feel the end coming to my B/P. I am just taking the days as they come and doing my best to breathe. I can always sense when changes are about to happen with me. This also is what helps me to sense mood shifts in others. The downside of that is I always blame any negative moods of others on myself. I would like to think I am getting better at this but half of the time I am not sure.
Now that I have had some green tea I feel fairly energized today. I still have not gained my full physical energy back, but I am getting there. Once I stop the binging and purging, I will feel even better. In the past a lot of vegetables helped get my digestive system regular faster so that will be a majority of what I eat this week. I may possibly add in some Greek yogurt as well.
I am honestly not sure what my full energy level is like. I have been B/P since I was 16 and started partying a lot after turning 21. The only time I was sober was when I was pregnant with my daughter but when pregnant no way was I at a normal energy level, especially since I was walking 10-20 miles a day delivering mail.
I will leave with a note that I feel stronger today. I am trying the best I can. I promise I will be good to myself today. Tonight, I plan on donating and then going for a nice walk with Bailey. I will have a nice big gourmet salad for dinner while reading a book. As always, be good to yourself also.