Unbreakable Kitten

Turns out a good binging and purging session can have similar side effects of a hangover.

Something strange happened yesterday that really made me think of why I binge and purge. I ate a breakfast I was satisfied with and felt great. I went to donate plasma and even bought a new pair of shoes to celebrate me not spending that money on going out to party for my birthday. My daughter’s mom even treated me to a pedicure. So far, this day looks awesome from the outside. Inside my head however was a little different. I felt a swarm of anxiety while buying my shoes and felt very negatively about myself. After my pedicure, however, I felt amazing! I wasn’t even hungry, but I wanted to binge and purge, so I did.

While typing this I think I may have figured out what was going on behind the scenes of my thinking. The anxiety I felt while shopping may have stemmed from before when I would always shop while in a manic episode. I have taken control of these shopping sprees by just never going. By never going shopping, however, I do not really have the clothing I feel good in. So, this way of handling probably is not the best.

I should point out that in the past, while I did not go out shopping for myself, I still bought plenty of liquor. I beat my mind on this one. I told myself that in the past I would just be using this money to buy booze anyways. This is just healthier splurge because I will go walking in my new shoes and feel good about myself.

I have also come up with a theory about the B/P. My life has always been chaos and fighting for survival. While younger I had no control over any of it, as I became older, I can see where I caused problems for myself. Many of the decisions I made stemmed from past trauma I never came to terms with. Now that my life is stable and I have accepted much of what has happened, HAVE NOT FORGETTEN, but have accepted, the B/P has become one of the last few strings I am holding onto. Negativity is still comforting to me in a weird sense because I have never lived without something bad. Whether it be abuse, work, or family, life has never just settled down for me until now. I am thinking this eating disorder may have to go out the door sooner than anticipated.

I have not heard anything from my friend who was coming to visit today so I will go spend some time with my daughter and her family if I don’t hear anything by noon. I feel okay today. My mind needs a good hot shower to clear the hazy hungover feeling. Bailey and I went for a power walk this morning.

I am trying to push any bad feelings aside and blogging seems to help. A week ago, I decided to take the challenge of blogging, and although it was meant to be a month of sobriety to cure my bulimia, I feel it is stemming into something different. I will end with something I say a lot but not enough to myself, BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.