It is hard to celebrate a day when you have wanted to be dead many times throughout the year (and have come very close to being so).
When I was a little kid, I remember thinking I would not live to be 27, now I am 28. It still often seems unbearable.
Getting Sober SUCKS!
I will not lie, getting sober is extremely lonely and very boring. My mind is full of hate as memories come flooding back. I feel hate for anyone who has hurt me as well as hate for myself for succumbing to a world where I will never be enough. No one can understand this without experiencing it. The ones that haven’t are also the ones I am closest to and they do not know how to be there when I need them the most. That is not their fault though. As Demi Lovato said, “To the ones who never left me, we’ve been down this road before.”
While the feeling of not having control leads people to stray away from drinking, ironically it is the reason I do, it is familiar.
Mentally I still feel withdrawn. I came to work because I had to. I hate everything about myself today. I cannot think straight. Physically I feel okay. I feel like I have a bit more energy than normal even though that is against what my mind is thinking. My neck does not feel so stiff anymore. My knees and back feel decent, I have spurring and arthritis from carrying too heavy of mail. Funnily enough, part of the reason I started drinking so much was to numb the physical pain. Since I am purging a lot less (I would say almost 90%) my teeth do not feel so tender. I have an appointment Tuesday to have them checked and cleaned. I am not looking forward to being told how bad they are. The first time I purged was at 16, the bulimia became full blown at 18 roughly, somehow, I still have all my teeth. I do get a lot of canker sores though and am fighting one right now. I have been peeing A LOT. I know I am drinking more water, but I think I was a bit more bloated than I realized. I have pants that fit better now even though I have not really lost weight. My hair feels a lot better; it is not so oily and dry. I think it was starting to fall out more last week. It was feeling pretty brittle if I combed too hard. Today it feels amazing and is not so oily by the time I am off work, neither is my skin for that matter. I have a lot fewer bumps on my face and my pores seem to be getting smaller. I do take vitamins, fish oil, and a probiotic in hopes to get my body back to being healthy faster.
I am not so much focusing on the binging/purging at the moment as it seems to be decreasing the longer I am sober. I knew they went hand in hand but did not realize to what extent. I feel I need to focus more on the sobriety end for the next couple weeks since that is my biggest trigger for the eating. I know once I start feeling 100% I will want that drink and will convince myself that I am all better and can handle it like last time. I need to get myself past that lie first.
What I Am Doing for Myself
I will be going to the zoo with an old friend today and out to eat. It is Friday so I think I will take Bailey for a few walks this weekend and enjoy some fresh air. I can tell he has been worried about me the past few weeks, especially since the last week all I have been doing is sleeping. The group that I took him to go play with Wednesday meets up every Thursday to play board games and whatnot at a local brewery here. I did inform the lady who runs these meet-ups that I am on a low carb diet so need to stay away from alcohol (I didn’t want to get into details since we just met) but she said half the people do not drink when going out none the less her so there is no pressure, also many are the 30-40 age range. So, I think I will attend some of those. I want to read more also. I feel like drawing again may happen, but I do not want to pressure myself too hard. I am also thinking of maybe looking into some self-defense classes. If I add up all that I spend on liquor plus the binging food that comes along with it, all of a sudden, I have a lot more money.
If anyone is reading this for guidance, the withdrawal is hard yes, but what I gave into last time was my mind telling me I am happy enough to handle a drink. The mentally feeling 100% is the next step and saying no to a drink while being happy is just as hard as saying no when depressed.