I am not a fan of birthdays. Each one reminds me of every year of time wasted. Time creates barriers and washes away dreams. It keeps me a prisoner of my own body, waiting for the clock to finally end.
I had originally written a lengthy blog about when my first purging session happened as a teenager and the chaos that surrounded the event. With how long it was I decided against posting any of it for the time being as there are still details, I am trying to recover.
Yesterday was an okay day. There was of course a little purging, but I feel it decreasing. I am not trying to keep food down so to say, I just do. A majority of the day I felt like I only existed and nothing more. I was tired from all the nightmares the night before but with some coffee I was where I needed to be alert wise. I kept myself busy but that was the best I could do for myself. I took Bailey to the park to meet other dogs last night and he had a blast. We went to bed around 10 but I could not fall asleep. I had too many emotions flooding in and thoughts that I could not drink to forget. I was not able to sleep through the night without waking up numerous times in cold sweats. I am not sure if I had nightmares or not.
This morning I woke up with barely enough ambition to come to work. I can barely think other than what I need to focus on for work. I do not really feel anything. I am not sure if my menstrual cycle being full blown has anything to do with it or if it’s just part of getting sober. After all this is day four of being sober. My last HEAVY drinking day was last Thursday with over two bottles of wine and a 32 oz Wicked Apple and then Friday-Sunday was roughly a bottle of wine a night. I think I drank myself through the shakes and nausea. So, I am pretty sure I am at the point that if I were to feel anything it would be absolute depression, otherwise I honestly do not feel anything but numbness. It is ironic for someone who is as self-sufficient and independent as myself, I am still very bored and lonely with life.
Until I can get over this week of beginning sobriety, I am not sure I can honestly say if my eating habits are healthy or not. I have always felt more energized on a lower carb diet. Being Native American I cannot say that my body has yet adapted to Americanized food. After all, the obesity rates among the native ethnic group is extremely high and a majority of them live off sugary, processed, high sodium foods. While growing up in the villages a lot of my diet was fresh fish and moose. The people still live off the land in the bush of Alaska. Once I was introduced to foods such as chips and candy my weight sky rocketed. I am thinking I need to go back to the meat and vegetables. I have always done low carb because I can still drink wine on it. That obviously is NOT a healthy reason. I ordered some meat and vegetables yesterday from the grocery store so that will be my diet for the time being. That is the best I can do while being stuck in this haze.
I wish my blog today was a bit more interesting or even gave encouragement. I am lost behind a haze for the time being, maybe the best advice is that this part is normal.
Also, I heard Demi Lovato’s “Sober” this morning, talk about hitting home.