I thought I would try something newish. I do wish I never removed my blogs relating to the book as those really are the beginning stages of my recovery and journey, I don’t even like the word recovery, more like growth. Recovery reminds me of a beaten dog. Anyways, so I will post a blog everyday from my book as they were posted before. Its all still available on Amazon and free if you have Kindle, which Kindle is amazing by the way. So yes, here we go 🙂
Right left right left, inhale exhale inhale exhale, lungs on fire, keep on running.
I run across the fields from which my ancestors once harvested food. A beautiful blue sky with a soon to set sun. Behind me a storm is brewing. I keep on running. The setting sun lies ahead just above the horizon. Rays of blood spray from the fiery globe. It’s getting hotter. The sky darkens, and the stars become bright as the sun sinks and becomes golden. I hear a crack of lightning behind me as the sky is torn open. The green fields below me dry and turn to sand.
Right left right left, inhale exhale, keep running before the past overtakes me.
I see the end. The sand starts to fall over the edge. The sun lies ahead in the middle of space. A coldness creeps up my spine, I hear the screams of the storm now, a haunting melody of sadness and agony.
I need to keep running, I am so close, approaching the end, only one chance to jump, only one chance to survive. The screaming rings through my head, almost there, keep running.
Right left right left, three, two, one.
I give all that I have and jump over the edge of the earth into the sun.
Sunlight seeps into my eyes as I wake up, I hate it this morning. My head is pounding. I turn away from the window and start looking at my phone. I quickly glance through too many unintentional texts from my drunken night before, most of them angry and hurtful. Anxiety sweeps over me as I try to think of the best ways to downplay all that I said to my daughter’s mom. She is fairly used to this now sadly. Well, it is a new day. I scroll through Facebook, my sister is at it again with her blog.
“I should make a blog about becoming sober,” I laugh to myself.
Theoretically, alcoholism and eating disorders come hand in hand and all stem from my trauma.
It takes a lot of energy to get out of bed this morning. I feel heavy and my mind feels foggy. There’s a pressure that floods to my forehead as I stand up, so I sit back down for a second before starting a pot of coffee. My dog is as lively as ever. I feel nauseous and my hand shakes as I fill the coffee pot with water.
Shakes. They are becoming a bit more prevalent these days.
I put on some bacon for breakfast and open my balcony door. It’s a beautiful morning. I take in a breath of fresh air. Mornings are usually peaceful here, it’s the evenings and nights that become bad. There are a lot of parties here. I didn’t realize when I moved in that these apartments were assisted housing. I’m not sure it would have mattered since I needed something affordable. My coffee is done so I grab a cup and walk out on the balcony and light up a cigarette. I haven’t smoked in quite a few months, I pretty much quit a couple years ago when pregnant with my daughter. Sometimes though I just need the tar tasting burn to realize how much I hate it. I take a deep puff.
“Disgusting,” I say silently to myself as I step on the cigarette with my slipper.
Thoughts flash through my mind so I take a sip of coffee. I don’t want to think of them. In the daylight I can control them, at night is when they suffocate me. Wine, beer, gin, they are all medications at this point and coffee is the cure to the side effects. I want to be better to myself, it’s just unrealistic at this point. I am barely hanging on. At least my head hurts too much to think. I lay back in my lounge chair as a cool breeze sweeps across my face and I listen to the crackling of the bacon frying inside.
I walk back inside and flip over the bacon. I sit at my dining table holding my cup up to my forehead, it feels good against my pounding head. I look over at the empty pizza boxes and chip bags covering the counter. My teeth hurt. My bacon is done so I fry up some eggs in the grease, over easy, and sit at my table in front of my laptop. I am starting my low carb diet today. It is honestly the only way of eating that I feel good on. Well, if I go sober for a month, this will be the perfect time to start keto again.
I take a sip of coffee and a bite of bacon, delicious. I open up my computer and find a blog site. I sit for a while blank but then let my hands do the typing. Well, here goes nothing.
A guide to sobriety. I have looked this advice up too many times the past year. A majority of the time being after puking my guts out the morning after two bottles of wine and a few beers. I’ve asked myself when I got to this point and it is no question as to why or how. I am the perfect statistic of childhood trauma rippling into poor relationships and choices into adulthood. I do not necessarily believe I need “rehab” or an intervention, however I do believe there is some recovery and self-insight I need to find.
Am I ready to give up alcohol for good?
At this point, no, I just need to learn how to have better coping mechanisms.
Am I ready to stop binging/purging?
Yes, however my self-control becomes weaker with alcohol.
My goal with this blog is not to be shamed or to be told I need to find god and that crap. I am actually very comfortable with my beliefs, which are close to none. And truth be told, I am pretty damn smart. I have always done what I needed in order to survive. I am not sure what direction this blog will be headed. I want to show my journey as well as delve into further finding myself while freely expressing my opinions.
Well, cheers to the next step on being another millennial who blogs. Maybe I should go try some avocado on toast next.
I do still plan to blog as well, after all life is very different for me now. I just thought it would be fun to read where my recovery all started, and yes, reading my book I want to slap myself a lot and tell myself to get a grip. 😀