Way Long Ago
I feel like there is a turmoil inside me, like as stupid as it sounds, a dark and a light so to say. I have come so far yet something is still holding me back.
Cut to see if you still feel, but what if you don’t? Push people away because you they don’t deserve to put up with your shit. There is a part of me screaming inside to break free and feel the light while another part is cowering in a warm comforting darkness.
I had a pretty terrible IUD crash after withdrawal. You guys were able to see some of it but it became worst from when I stopped blogging. I have to say that was the worst depression I have ever felt, it wasn’t just sadness but I could feel absolutely nothing and if I felt anything it was moments of anger or sadness for no reason. I literally wanted to die, not because of pain but because I could not feel. I intentionally cut myself to make sure I could still feel something but that made it worst because I couldn’t even feel the cuts, like I did, and I felt like they were painful but I also couldn’t feel the pain. I forced myself to sleep a lot. I kept telling myself it was the hormones and I knew there was a possibility I would have it rough since I had such a terrible time with the IUD to begin with. The migraines were barely tolerable, I would be crying at times, Tylenol and water did not help. I drank a ton of water too, I just could not get enough fluids in me yet I was continuously using the bathroom. The migraines caused terrible nightmares, a couple times I had to stay up for awhile because I was afraid to go back to sleep. The bleeding eventually stopped but it was ridiculous going through a tampon every half hour to hour and having to stand in the shower because of all the blood and tissue chunks. I had very little energy and was always bodily weak. My mind could not process straight, which my terribly written blogs can show. I just could not keep a good train of thought. I spent a good chunk of the days staring up at the ceiling for hours without realizing how much time had passed. I just was so far gone. During the worst of it my hair had started to fall out again. That all lasted about two weeks total, like after a week and a half I was doing a lot better but still random bits of fog and tiny weird headaches with like a pressure behind my eyes. I do still get little bits of fog but for the most part I feel really good now. I would say I am 99% great.
So somehow during that time I never had a drink, not saying I didn’t crave one, I most definitely did but I knew I couldn’t. I can say I’m over four months sober now fully. It was a long time coming, a majority of last year I felt guilty about drinking. I would actually hide it from my daughters parents and my friends. I just felt shame but also kept telling myself I enjoyed it. I have told my daughters mom to not hold anything back if she remembers how shitty I was when drinking. I used to tell her what I did or said when drunk didn’t matter because I didn’t mean it, ugh what a bitch I was. I want to know though because I am not proud of it but also want to apologize. In time maybe I will have apologized for everything but I think we are headed on a good track with that.
So my bulimia did come back full force during the first few days of my IUD withdrawal. It was happening off and on during my entire time I had my IUD in, so like four months? I would just get very dramatic and emotional and would b/p. The bloat did not help at all. I would say its been almost three weeks since I have binged or purged. It has been rough but Miralax is a life saver. I am getting regular again, every morning regular. I am not dieting or anything, I just eat between 12-8 pm because I’ve read intermediate fasting is great for the tummy, and I have to say I feel a lot better. I am scheduled for a colonoscopy and endoscopy on the 27th but I do not know if I will do it. Maybe later down on the road but my thought process is if I am improving and the tummy pains are going away than why have such an expensive procedure. The gastro doctor had told me there’s a nerve that connects the mind and tummy (and I think heart? Don’t quote me on that) and actually recommended yoga and meditation because the mental, physical, and emotional states of the body are all connected, which I knew, I just thought it was really cool that he wasn’t trying to shove meds down my throat. Anyways, food is delicious, I try to get a fruit in a day and some grains otherwise preferably white meat and lots of veggies. If I eat anything processed its whole grains or fiber but I am trying to keep that to a minimum.
Working Out to be Healthy? Is That A thing?
I have also been going to the gym! I have yet to make a consistent schedule but will eventually. I am hoping to join some classes, I was going to go to Yoga this morning but a blizzard convinced me to go back to sleep lol. When I used to go to the gym I would tell myself I needed to get at least an hour of cardio in if not more or it would all be for nothing, well yesterday I woke up later than planned and instead of being discouraged told myself even a half hour is good for me so went. I did a brutal machine that mixed stair climbing and cardio. I felt great but am a little tender today lol. I am enjoying working out, I am just being healthy and happy. There are no real goals right now, like I said I want to eventually join classes but I also would like to lift too. Before I start lifting again I want to make sure my digestive system is fully digesting right so I am not malnourished. It’s a work in progress but all that matters is I feel good.
Spirituality ( wait what?)
So I am actually working on my spirituality. Who would have thought right?! Not in a sense of god but finding a foundation of my own beliefs. So I have talked before about the crystal shop that my friend introduced me to, like I have noticed they help but it was never something I gave a second thought, just like oh yeah I’ll wear this on me. Well a week ago I went into the shop because even though I was doing better I just felt so randomly lost. I had been telling my daughters mom for awhile that I feel like I lost or forgot something really important but could not figure out what it was. So I went there because I have always found comfort in the shop and because I have asshole cats who like to steal my crystals and needed to find some new ones. Well there was a psychic (?) there this time who gave me her card and so on a whim I asked how much she charged and what it was about and if I needed to know any dead people because that is something I have seen, like talking to dead loved ones, which I had no desire to do that. But no, I guess she did cards which would help guide me and answer my questions. It was actually really interesting, I felt her feel my energy too, it was the same thing I felt with the hypnotherapist. Anyways, my cards said that I was at a very big time in my life because I was leaving an old me behind and that I have been changing. She said I am a very empathetic person and I have been hurt so much that I have learned to cover it up but my future involves helping people and that’s why I feel so confused is because I need the empathy for that. She actually made me feel like crying when she said that I was empathetic, not the helping people lol. I asked her what if I didn’t want to help people because I don’t like people and she pretty much just said too bad because it’s in my cards lol. I am supposed to start trying new things and start reading up on my philosophy, get the foundation of my beliefs because there will be a day when people will come to me for help and I will need to know how to help them. She saw pointy ears when she “drew”(?) my energy, like a fox or owl. I know a lot of people are skeptical of all that but idk, I honestly felt like she was looking straight into me.
Anyways, I left feeling great and have felt great ever since. So I have been reading the books I bought awhile back, the Wiccan, crystals, and herbal extracts ones. I can actually concentrate on reading now, its amazing. So much of me is starting to make sense but I wont go into that now, I am just finally finding so much of me being pieced together. I just feel so free.
Well, that is probably enough for today, I seem to have written a book full and hockey is about to start so I have to get ready for that. Pure whiteout woohoo! Oh yeah, I also asked the psychic “so I’m not going to die?” and “would the cards even say if I was,” to which she replied I am not going to die, I have too much left to do and they would tell me. Soooo, yay….lets go have fun in a blizzard. Nah, I hate driving when other people are on the roads. I can drive in whiteout and ice no problem, its the other drivers I am weary of. But anywho, more to come. I actually wrote a good chunk yesterday but than my browser restarted and it did not save. So have a good evening everyone, stay safe and warm, be good to yourselves, find your foundation and let life be a journey. Peace.